BUCKEYE, Ariz. — Right-wing pundit Ben Shapiro was found in an Arizona landfill after company Funko accidentally included him in their disposal of $30 million worth of collectibles, mistaking him for a toy designed to look like the titular character from the TV show Young Sheldon, according to those familiar with the situation.
“I was protesting the leftist bullies at Funko for their changing the skin tone of the Disney 100th Anniversary Edition of the Minnie Mouse Pop to make her more acceptable to the Woke Mob, when I got pushed into the pile of trash,” recounted Shapiro. “I was standing on a stack of boxes on a truck bed, so I could be properly seen, and as I was lamenting the lack of cleavage on Minnie, some liberal bully drove off with me standing there! They’ll play the victim, claiming I looked like a toy, but honestly, an alpha like me looks nothing like a Funko figure.”
Shapiro was discovered shortly before being buried alive amid the dead-eyed figures with oversized heads.
“I was about to dump 4 tons of dirt on the latest batch, when I heard one of these dolls saying something about ‘indoctrination,’” explained bulldozer operator Michael Bao. “Something didn’t sit right, I didn’t think these were the types of toys that made noise, but I had never seen The Big Bang Theory, so I figured it had to do with that. I lifted him out and he just sort of scurried off.”
Funko’s stock prices dove 25% after the initial announcement, but skyrocketed when the news broke that they might have rid the world of Ben Shapiro. With the revelation that Shapiro is unscathed, Funko is at an all-time low, looking for other ways to make cuts.
Despite the extraordinary circumstances that lead to this error, it is not the first time an individual was included in the dumping of excess inventory. According to close sources, in 1983, unsold copies of the Atari game, “E.T. the Extra Terrestrial” were buried in the New Mexico desert, along with First Lady Nancy Reagan, who was mistaken for the alien creature after slipping into a hole during a “Just Say No” rally.