QUMRAN, West Bank — Archeologists digging in the Qumran caves made a shocking discovery when they unearthed the intact adamantium skeleton of religious leader Jesus of Nazareth.
Reportedly weighing over 100 pounds, the skeleton is made of a nearly indestructible metal alloy that allowed it to stay in near mint condition for the roughly 2,000 years since Christ’s death. Excavators used crowbars to dismantle a beautifully carpentered box containing the skeleton, noting that the container had been inscribed in Aramaic, “I’ll be back for this later.”
“The metal skeleton that Christ used to achieve his amazing miracles had long been rumored,” remarked Chief Archaeologist, Dr. Yosef Peretz, “but never did we expect to find the genuine article before us. Note the hydro-lift footpads that allowed him to walk on water, and the carbonadium tentacles housed within each arm for transforming liquids into wine. I assume the skeleton’s retractable claws were used for slicing loaves and fishes, not for anything sinister.”
Christians on social media responded with fearsome debate about the discovery, some claiming that the “Prince of Peace” would never have assimilated his body with an instrument of war. But theologian and Jesuit priest, Fr. Paul Harrington, believes that though these findings may be shocking, they are wholeheartedly supported by the scripture.
“If Christ could fuse metal to his bones in a time before painkillers, is this not evidence of his Godly healing factor? How else could he have healed the sick, raised the dead, or self-resurrected?” Fr. Harrington mused. “And to the doubting Thomases among us, do you not recall the moment when Jesus discovered the merchants and money changers in the Temple and chased them in fury? Does this tale not warn us of his berserker rage?”
Despite the historic nature of the discovery, Dr. Peretz refuses to rest on his laurels. He remains confident that the Qumran caves still have mysteries to unearth.
“The Dead Sea Scrolls indicate that there may be remnants of the techno-organic wings used by the Archangel while he served as a Horseman of Death for Apocalypse,” Dr. Peretz explained. “My goal is to dig up enough of these relics to form a team of super archeologists, and just like the Lord Jesus Christ often said: ‘I’m the best there is at what I do.’”
