NEO-TOKYO, Japan — Local anime hero Katsu Ichiro suffered a brutal defeat in a showdown with his nemesis Count Nakamura after he foolishly brought a knifegun to a gunknife fight.
Ichiro defended his mistake, citing some confusion among the weapons used for his profession. “Everything is either a Gunblade or a SoulBow or something, how am I supposed to keep all of that straight,” Ichiro said. “I would put labels on all my weapons, but my label maker is possessed by the soul of my dead brother.”
Ichiro’s infamous nemesis, Count Nakamura, claimed to be disappointed about his recent bouts against the protagonist.
“He should know his knifegun stood no chance against my gunknife,” Nakamura said. “I mean, a knife that shoots bullets versus a gun that shoots knives? That’s just plain unprofessional. Honestly, it makes me embarrassed to be known as his nemesis because that usually implies we are of similar stature and power. So does that mean I’m the same as this asshole? I hope people don’t see it that way.”
Count Nakamura went on to explain the implications of Ichiro’s forgetfulness.
“Just because he’s the Chosen One doesn’t mean he doesn’t need a filing system,” Nakamura said. “I shall easily destroy him and all of Neo-Tokyo, especially if he can’t learn how to color code.”
Old Man Jiro, the town weaponsmith, elaborated on the inspiration behind his weapons.
“What am I supposed to make a regular sword or a normal staff? Bo-ring!” Jiro said. “I’m currently working on my newest design, which is sort of a mix between a dagger and a flamethrower. If you can’t figure out how to wield that, it’s entirely on you, bucko. Old Man Jiro doesn’t make mistakes.”
At press time, Ichiro said he was just thankful that he wasn’t in an anime with “spells and powers and all that shit.”
