AUSTIN, Texas — Cinema chain Alamo Drafthouse announced a change to their restrictive in-theater policies today, revealing that patrons will no longer be removed from the theater for talking or texting if the movie they’re watching is a massive piece of shit.
“We here at Alamo Drafthouse are firm believers in the power of the moviegoing experience. There’s nothing like the moment when the projector turns on and we can lose ourselves in the big screen,” said Founder and Executive Chairman Tim League in a press release. “However, have you looked at some of the shit they’re shoving down our throats these days? I mean, Jesus Christ, like every other movie sucks. I know it. You know it. Let’s stop pretending.”
The new changes were met positively by moviegoers, who appreciated the newfound freedom to chat amongst themselves during a steaming pile of dogshit without fear of being ejected from the theater.
“I love coming to the Alamo because I know that I’m not going to be annoyed by someone on their phone or asking their partner questions about the movie every five minutes during the movie,” said film fan David Bishop as they unknowingly purchased $85 of food and beverages before a recent screening of Women Talking. “But look, Do you know how hard it was for me to bite my tongue during The Whale? Goddamn, that movie was absolute garbage.”
League hopes that the new changes will broaden Alamo Drafthouse’s appeal from hardcore movie fans to those who haven’t been back to the theater since the pandemic, or those who are just sick of looking at the same four fucking walls all day.
“If you wanna come to one of our 39 locations across the country and talk during a showing of 80 for Brady or Plane, be my guest. We will not bother you. Hell, if you wanna come to a weekday matinee of Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania, we’ll let you live-tweet it. But just remember, if you talk during our brunch screening of The Goonies, you’re outta there.”
At press time, AMC Theaters had just responded to Alamo Drafthouse’s new policy by announcing you can smoke a bowl in the theater before all showings of Avatar: The Way of Water and they won’t do anything about it.
