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Al Pacino Adopts 52-Year-Old Man

LOS ANGELES — After being inspired by 79-year-old Robert De Niro’s recent announcement that he was expecting a child, 82-year-old silver screen legend Al Pacino has reportedly adopted a middle aged man, sources have confirmed. 

“I didn’t realize I was technically still up for adoption,” said Glenn Brockman, the oldest of Pacino’s four children at 52 years old. “Growing up in an orphanage was hard, and it was pretty brutal when no one adopted me, but I did okay afterwards despite my setbacks. I have a wife and kid and manage a Valvoline oil change place out here in Columbus. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that Al Pacino is gonna be my dad from now on. I’m so excited, and can’t wait to make up for lost time.” 

“Hoo-ah!” he added. 

Pacino reportedly pursued the adoption aggressively after being inspired by De Niro’s recent surprise announcement.

“To still be growing your family at that age, I thought it was remarkable,” said Pacino. “But I didn’t want to go through diapers and bed wetting and college again, so I thought we’d just skip ahead a little bit. This kid is great! He’s very well adjusted, and he can hook me up with an oil change anywhere in the Midwest.” 

“Hoo-ah!” he added. 

Two met for the first time recently, after Pacino sent a chartered jet to bring Brockman to his Los Angeles home. 

“Things were definitely emotional, definitely strange,” said Cynthia Walker, Pacino’s personal assistant, about the first time meeting between father and son. “Al was bouncing between telling Glenn how proud of him he was to the two of them bullshitting about old baseball teams from the ’80s. There was an awkward part where Al sat Glenn down and explained that all of his grandparents were dead. Glenn took it in stride, though. Al’s right, he really is a great kid.” 

As of press time, a visiting Robert De Niro was overheard asking Pacino what the hell was wrong with his baby.