JACKSONVILLE – As some of All Elite Wrestling’s greatest continue to clash near the end of the Continental Classic tournament, sources can confirm that the winner won’t just receive three belts, but two hundred and ninety-eight.
“The more belts that are put on the line, the more important the finals match automatically is,” revealed Tony Khan, founder of AEW. “I’ve been wanting to do something like this ever since I saw a picture of Ultimo Dragon holding ten belts on an old message board. Hell, I spent the last three days sketching designs for title belts in anticipation. Bryan can deal with figuring out what’s gonna be on Collision,” continued the booker. When asked if the winner would receive the Real World Championship, the AEW owner ran off, never to be seen again.
In order to make the stunt happen, rival wrestling promotions have been reporting talks with AEW in order to supply their belts.
“I really don’t get Tony Khan sometimes,” recounts Brett Lauderdale, owner of independent wrestling promotion GCW. “I was in the middle of booking another Cardona novelty match and he rang me up and asked if AEW could use our ‘TNT Championship’ – we don’t even run shows on television! Why even go through all the trouble when the winner’s just going to drop all those belts to MJF the next month?“ continued Lauderdale. “I let him use whatever fake belt he wanted, he’s gonna sign all my guys away anyways.”
Eddie Kingston, a participant in the tournament, finds the increased reward to be a massive opportunity.
“Everyone thought I was just a bum who’d never win a belt in my life, now I’m gonna be all draped out in gold,” explained Kingston, who currently has a paltry two belts. “They’re gonna have to call me Mad King Midas after this one, partner. Wrestling is my life, my blood, my spirit, I even took a bunch of CHIKARA dates that didn’t pay me just to wrestle. It’s gonna be the biggest honor of my life to proudly wear a belt that Toshiaki Kawada won in the Budokan in the 90’s. At least I assume so, I can’t be bothered to read every single one of these lineages.”
As of press time, fans of the wrestling company have vowed on social media that they will personally meet the winner of the contest and give him all of the replica belts they’ve bought off of eBay as a bonus.
