If you’re anything like me, then there are fewer things scarier in your life than the thought of stumbling over your words at a job interview. There just aren’t enough hours in the day to come up with your own answers for all the questions that corporate overlords will throw at you. There are, however, enough hours in the day to memorize director Steve Oedekerk’s infinitely quotable film Kung Pow! Enter the Fist word-for-word and utilize the script to your own advantage. Below is a curated list of 30 lines from Kung Pow! that are applicable to almost every kind of job and pre-employment situation out there, and are guaranteed to help you nail that interview.
1. “Your days are over, mister.”
Training new recruits can be expensive work, so let the hiring manager know early on that you’ve already mastered everything listed in the job description. Saunter up to the guy you’ll be replacing and speak these words to his face and you can probably just take his desk.
2. “If you girls are done kissing, I’ve got some ass-kicking for you!”
We’ve all been there: you get an interview at the local game store and the newlywed owners decide to give each other’s tonsils a good taste while you boot up the store’s copy of Melee. You know that if you win, then you get the gig. Use this line to express your enthusiasm for the opportunity, and you’ll be signing the paperwork the same day. Don’t forget to use your main.
3. “Take a close look—’cuz I rule, baby!”
People love charisma, and management folk are also people, kinda. This line is your ace in the hole.
4. “Go get some snacks. Perhaps a car-bo-na-ted so-da!”
Don’t be afraid to slide some money across the negotiation table and quote this line if you want to secure yourself in the hearts of the higher-ups. A little bribery never hurt anybody, and that cash will surely trickle back down eventually, just like Ronald Reagan said it would.
5. “Water…everywhere! Ugh…all…over me! I’m…getting…wet!”
The lifeguard team tosses you into the deep end to test your swimming abilities? Give them the play-by-play by saying this line between strokes, and it’ll be smooth sailing guaranteed.
6. “Hmmm. My finger points.”
Police Academy is easy, but how’s the precinct interview? They take you down to the nearest Krispy Kreme and have you pick out a couple dozen hot ones for the boys in blue, but how do you know what to pick? Simple: position yourself in front of any three donuts in the display case, and say this line. It’s that easy. Next stop: qualified immunity!
7. “I am a nice man…with happy feelings—ALL the time!”
Do these bozos really need to know about the true state of your mental health? NOPE! Tactfully use this quote to let them believe what they want to believe, and you’ll be on track to dealing with your inner turmoil from the comfort of your new cubicle.
8. “I’ve trained my whole life for this day.”
A little on the dramatic side, but you know what? Some people really vibe with that. Use this line for all sorts of jobs; it’ll get you to where you need to be.
9. “Let your anger be as a monkey in a piñata: hiding with the candy, hoping the kids don’t break through with the stick.”
I wish my therapist had used this line on me during his trial interview. Maybe I wouldn’t have gotten banned from the library for throwing a book at the computer monitor when I lost everything on a bad hand of online poker. Please learn from my therapist’s mistake.
10. “I have been called ‘bad’ before. Many have said I do things that are not…correct to do…I don’t believe in such talk as this.”
Owning up to your mistakes implies that you were ever wrong to begin with, and management only wants perfect people. Sure, the reference from your last place told these guys that you were fired for launching a third grader into a dumpster while yelling, “Kobe!” but they didn’t judge, and neither should you.
11. “Hmm…okay.”
What do you mean you don’t want to give this company eight hours of free labor for a trial shift to see if you’re “a good fit?” Be agreeable, and say this line!
12. “What in God’s name is that thing?”
The guys at Area 51 place before you the cadaver of a humanoid creature from the planet [REDACTED], approximately 230 years old, if you were a gambling man. They ask: “If the media questioned you on this specimen, what would you tell them?” They obviously want you to give the famed Air Force facility plausible deniability so as to be able to covertly continue their operations. This quote is the one they want.
13. “Take me, man meat!”
The butcher will be sure you meant “man OF meat”, but he’ll admire your A1 enthusiasm and hire you on the spot if you quote to him this dry-aged classic.
14. “Jeez, at least cover your mouth. We’re ALL going to catch it!”
Maintaining public safety guidelines is everyone’s job, and businesses will respect you taking initiative to promote everyone’s general wellbeing if you drop this line.
15. “Behold the symbols. One: over here…the other: over there.”
Tiny icons next to contact information are the latest trend in resume formatting, and while they’re pretty much universally understood, some managers out there are not yet privy to such a practice. When these managers ask you about how best to reach you, you can point at the email and cell phone icons on your resume and say this line. Everyone loves learning new things!
16. “Nyeeehhh RED clothes!”
For when you’re interviewing for Target and they’re asking you what your ideal uniform would be. Bullseye.
17. “I really like the band NSYNC. My favorite member is Harpo.”
You can tell just by looking at her that your interviewer’s a fan of America’s favorite boy band, too, and it ain’t no lie! Say this line to her and find that much-needed common ground. And seriously, who doesn’t love Harpo N. Sink?
18. “I’ll never be able to do it—ever! Don’t look at me!”
Use this line to regale the hiring team with the story of how your last supervisor reacted when you asked him: “How will you ever survive once I leave this place?” This isn’t technically burning bridges, I don’t think.
19. “N-now batting: Mike Piazza!”
It worked! The time machine you built between reruns of ESPN highlights sent you back to 2004 and now you’re being given a hands-on interview at Shea Stadium to become a broadcaster for the New York Mets. Number 31 is walking towards the plate, and if you remember this line, you’ll know exactly what to say.
20. “Wee-oh woo-oh oh-ee-oh wee-oh pee-oh ee-oh pee-oh wee!”
Pretty self explanatory.
21. “That’ll be four bucks, baby! You want fries with that?!”
Management’s got you running the register for this part of the interview. Some guy only wants a cup of water in this awful 105 degree heat, but you know this line, and you know how to upsell. Hired.
22. “Say goodnight, floppy.”
In this group interview, the boss hands everyone a mallet and a stack of outdated data storage technology. The right man for the job can hit him with the best witty quip for the occasion. Quote this line and that man will be you.
23. “I’ll have some of whatever he’s smokin’.”
The manager of the barbeque joint wants you to try out the goods as the final step of the interview and is asking you what you’ll have. Everything that the pitmaster is working on looks so delicious, but you can’t seem to narrow your choices down. What do you tell the manager? Use this line and your questions will be answered.
24. “I am bleeding—making me the victor.”
Whoa, this interview is more like a Turing test! You and this obvious android have to prove your respective humanities, and only the human is going to get paid—good thing there’s an easy way to solve that problem! I mean, a robot wouldn’t punch himself and the face and start leaking this red stuff, would he? Didn’t think so. Quote this line to mark your triumph.
25. “It’s Betty, you son of a pig. The name is Betty.”
Who cares what this job is for—the interviewer can’t remember the first name of the Golden Girls’ BEST girl! “Something ‘White’, maybe?” Yeah whatever, moron. Let this ignoramus know how stupid he is by quoting this line to him.
26. “It’s impossible; you’ll never make it. Never make it. Ever make it. Never make it. Never make it. You’ll never make it—ever. Don’t you see? You can’t make it.”
Your trial shift as a health insurance representative will become infinitely easier once you start denying patients with pre-existing conditions the coverage they claim to need when they’re just going to die anyway, maybe. This line knows more than those doctors ever would.
27. “I implore you to reconsider.”
No one is above a little begging. If the boss initially picks another candidate, hit them with this line and the job will be yours.
28. “Master, I was hoping one day I could be the chosen one.”
Similar to the one above, but with like 75% more whiny little bitch energy.
29. “You killed my family. And I don’t like that kind of thing.”
You two have a history, but he doesn’t know it yet. Now that you’ve made it to the last step of the interview process at the Olive Garden he’s franchised, say this line to him before making him choke to death on a basket of bread sticks.
30. “So cute. Buh-bye!”
Whether you feel the interview went well or not, look the boss deeply in the eye and recite to him this line. His smile, his wrinkles, the way he shook your hand…he kind of reminds you of your grandfather. Just as adorable, but hopefully a little less racist. Let him know that, and you’re in the clear. And a little peck on the cheek will go a long way, too.
