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10-Minute Standing Ovation Just Long Enough for Tom Hanks to Go Through Audience Members’ Bags

VENICE, Italy — An extended 10-minute standing ovation at the 79th annual Venice International Film Festival was apparently all the time Hollywood A-lister Tom Hanks needed to totally ransack the place of audience members’ possessions.

“Old Hansky sure cleaned up!” stated a Swarovski-wearing Hanks running towards his waiting limo. “Normally I’m only able to snatch a few wallets and fedoras at these types of events, but here at Venice this year it’s been a bonanza! I scored a few iPhones and tablets during Brendan Fraser’s 6-minute ovation for ‘The Whale’ a couple days ago and then Hugh Jackman’s ‘The Son’ just received an even longer 10-minute standing O. Now Tommy is balls deep in phones, swag bags, and purses, one of which had $100,000 cash in it! Trust me these actors don’t need that money — it was probably headed up someone’s nose anyway.” 

“You know why they call me T-Hanks, right?” he added. “Because I’m constantly saying ‘thanks’ to all the suckers.”

The star of ‘The Son,’ Hugh Jackman, explained the feeling of being robbed during what should have been a career highlight.

“It happened so fast,” said Jackman after the show. “One second we were up, waving to our adoring fans, then the next moment we realized all our shit was gone, including a twenty I had in my back pocket. I looked around to see if I saw anyone suspicious, but the only person I saw leaving the theatre looked a lot like Tom Hanks, which was weird since he wasn’t even supposed to be here. Tom’s the best though, I hope he wasn’t robbed either.”

An anonymous Hollywood insider, fearful of reprisals from the ‘Forrest Gump’ star, explained how the actor has exploited his good-guy image to go undetected for years.

“The last person anyone would suspect of carrying out these bling rings is Tom Hanks, one of the most respected actors of our generation,” explained the unknown source. “From what I understand, he’s been chasing this dragon for years — from The Oscars, to The Emmys, and even The Razzies. Apparently when you’ve achieved all there as an actor, you need the next high. And in Tom’s case, that high is plundering Gucci handbags and Prada jackets from his unsuspecting peers at festivals and award shows. Having said that, have you seen him in ‘Sully?’ He was fantastic in that. I should really watch that again.”

At press time, Jackman’s co-star Laura Dern was still in tears for having her purse and the 100K donation she had inside for a local orphanage stolen, while Hanks was seen headed back into the festival when he heard of the 14-minute standing ovation for the Ana de Armas movie ‘Blonde.’