All the conspiracy theories surrounding the government controlling the weather with machines are true. I should know, I’m the guy who invented and sold the weather controlling machine to the Democrats for millions of dollars. But unfortunately, for both the Democrats and myself, my weather controlling machine went bananas. If those bananas tasted like meatballs.
It started a few years ago with a knock on my door. A couple of government agents came into my Swallow Falls home, sat me down, and pulled out a secured phone. On the other line was President Joe Biden. He told me he was a fan of some of my inventions like the spray-on shoes and Hair Un-balder. He was buttering me up. What he was really interested in was my weather controlling machine. He said that he wanted to, and I quote, “take out the competition”. Little did he and I know, the only competition my weather controlling machine was going to take out were Italian restaurants.
The first target my machine was going to hit was Florida. It’s a red state that has caused many headaches for the Democratic party. On the President’s orders, I fired up the weather machine and put the setting on “HURRICANE”. But that’s not what it sent. Instead, it rained meatballs. Hundreds of thousands of meatballs fell to the Florida ground. Which only caused a saucey mess but no damages were done. It was the complete opposite of what Democrats wanted. In fact, it only made things worse for them, because one of those meatballs became governor.
That mistake made the Democrats furious with me. And now, I’m in a pickle. They’re after me. They want me and my weather controlling machine destroyed before I spill the beans – literally. They’re afraid that if we aren’t stopped, I could send a catastrophic bean tsunami to a blue state like California. If you don’t hear from me again, it means they chopped me. But you can still fight back. You have to! If you don’t, you can just stick a fork in this country, because it’s done.
You’ve been warned
