CANTON, Ohio — A Dance Dance Revolution machine in the arcade is the only part of a local mall generating a profit according to a recently released finance report, sources have confirmed.
“Yeah, that sounds about right,” said JJ McDonald, who works in the mall at a cell phone accessory kiosk that hasn’t had a customer since the Christmas season ended. “Yesterday I helped a plumber that was here find a bathroom. That was exciting. I walked all the way down there with him, just to have something to do. It’s weird in here though, man. As far as I can tell, this place is mostly a free fitness center for the local elderly to come walk laps in every morning. And none of them need phone chargers, I can tell you that much.”
The owner of the arcade was happy to hear he was in possession of the sole profitable element of the entire shopping mall.
“Wow, I knew that dancing game was popular,” said Len Coleman, owner of the Star Hits Arcade that’s operated since 1986. “But I had no idea it was the only single component of this entire mall that was making any kind of money. Not the Sbarro? Not the Radio Shack? None of the six department stores? Gosh, things sure have changed around here.”
The owner of the Point Palace Mall says that this information has forced him to reconsider the future direction of the longstanding shopping center.
“I’m not sure we can go on like this,” said Richard Varner, shortly after the financial report was released. “The mall operates at a net loss most days lately, but the weekly Friday night DDR revenue and the subsequent food court traffic it generates are keeping the lights on. For now. It might not be too much longer that we just knock it all down and put a little shed around the DDR machine sell off the rest of the land, you know? Maybe put up a snack machine and an outhouse or something. That’d probably be a better setup than this huge dead ass mall.”
As of press time, the Dance Dance Revolution machine was temporarily out of order, causing all 38 mall employees to be sent home early.
