PACIFIC PALISADES, Calif. — Website AddictingGames.com was raided by the DEA this week for distributing “mind-altering flash games” to children, multiple sources confirmed.
“This has been our white whale for almost two decades now,” said Brent Chandler, DEA officer and certified narc nerd. “I lost my son to Fancy Pants Adventure back in 2006, and ever since it’s been my goal to bring these monsters to justice. You can’t show kids such fancy pants and expect them not to get addicted. The laws surrounding indie flash games were just not concrete enough at the time, so there was nothing I could do when I walked into my son’s room to see his eyes glazed over, entranced by an infinite loop he made on Line Rider.”
Recovered AddictingGames addict, Jorge Esparza, is happy to see this day finally come,
“I’m California sober, which means I don’t play any flash games aside from weed farm simulators.” said Esparza. “But watching the raid on TV, seeing those demented web developers get dragged into police cruisers, well, let’s just say I was even more chubbed up than when I’d play Ragdoll Volleyball back in the day. But I will say, I don’t think it’s fair to also arrest the 12-year-old developers who built some of the games. They were victims of the site too, ya know? Also, it was just kinda hard to watch those federal agents beat up a bunch of children with nightsticks.”
Founder of AddictingGames.com, Bill Karamouzis, does not seem phased by the impending charges,
“This is bullshit. I fully expect the charges to be dropped. Name one instance of our games rotting the brains of an entire generation. FUCK.” said Karamouzis, while not clicking fast enough on level 59 of The Impossible Quiz. “Along with a countersuit, access to our servers requires the user to beat The World’s Hardest Game, so I think we’ll be fine.”
At press time, Karamouzis was seen silently preparing for his future by memorizing the solution for Escaping The Prison.
