We’ve all been there. Just when you think you’re ready to go to town with Mr. Right, you spot it from the corner of your eye: the gleam of a silver blade, and we’re not talking about some dinky butter knife. Yes, you’ve found yourself in the arms of a full-on sword guy, and now you’re scrambling for the exit while babbling some half-baked excuse. That’s why we’ve compiled the ten hottest tips for spotting a swordsman before going home with him.
#1 — He Owns a Black Overcoat
Watch out if his social media features a black trench coat, duster coat, or any other outerwear that’s clearly too long for the 21st century (but just long enough for the 23rd). If he’s wearing sunglasses at the same time, it’s already over: you’re about to find yourself at the business end of a katana. He may think he’s Neo, but he’s definitely not The One for you.
#2 — He Refers to His Junk Using a Sword Emoji Instead of an Eggplant
It’s not that he doesn’t know emoji etiquette. He knows exactly what he’s doing. If you sent a peach and he replied with crossed swords and sweat droplets, it may be time to send him a wave goodbye. Worst case scenario: you’ll find the polished broadsword on his mantle more than outshines the rusty dagger in his jeans.
#3 — He Plays Fantasy RPGs
Maybe you enjoy snuggling on the couch and watching your man play Call of Duty, but be warned: your future World of Warcraft boyfriend does not play on the couch. He doesn’t even own one. He plays in an overpriced red and black gaming chair that’s actively giving him scoliosis. Not only that, but he proudly displays a replica of some famous fantasy weapon, like Frostmourne, the Master Sword, or Cloud’s Buster Sword. He’ll assure you it’s perfectly safe, but don’t be fooled: these items’ stats are through the roof.
#4 — He Invites You to His D&D Campaign
If you’ve got a thing for the shy, nerdy type, even you ought to know that for every cute dork, there’s a Machiavellian wargamer on the prowl for fresh meat. Be vigilant: this guy’s sword is probably engraved with a quote he came up with himself. If you thought the trench coat was embarrassing, wait till you see this dude wearing a cloak. Spending time with him may even be a slippery slope to LARPing, and once a man carrying a fully illegal Zweihander throws a hackysack at you and calls it a fireball, your life is basically done.
#5 — He Plays Minecraft
While not technically a real sword, guys who own a toy Minecraft sword are on thin fucking ice. What is that, styrofoam? I’ve got my eye on you.
#6 — He’s Too Dumb to Cast Spells
If this bumbling oaf struggles to even cast a simple cantrip, it’s time to open a portal back home. He may have charisma, but you’re far too good for a man whose dump stat is intelligence. He’s got no enchantments, no potions, and no orb, so of course his barbarian ass thinks a sharp metal stick will do the trick. With zero magical properties, that glorified letter opener is limited to the physical realm and won’t be able to touch you after you ghost him.
#7 — He Carries a Pocket Knife
It’s not rocket science. Knife guys are just a skip and a jump away from sword guys. You can easily root out these guys by presenting literally any situation that could possibly call for a pocket knife. Trust us, he’ll make himself known. If you go home with this guy, he’s going to show you his collection and you’re going to realize there are more knives than clean dishes in this house. You may think this former Boy Scout would make a great hiking partner, but be careful not to earn your Genealogy badge with a dude who can’t even tie the knot.
#8 — He Was a Samurai during the Edo Period
From 1603 to 1868 CE, the Japanese Edo period is when katana-forging blossomed into a highly respected art form. Samurai of the Tokugawa shogunate were required to carry the traditional daishō, the pairing of the katana with a shorter blade, usually a wakizashi but sometimes a tantō. If your crush was a military noble during this time, there’s a high chance he kept his swords and an even higher chance that he’s way too old for you. What a loser!
#9 — He Tells You about His Sword
What are you, a mind reader? Just because he told you he owns a sword, that automatically means he owns a sword? We can’t blame you if this subtle hint flew straight over your head, but luckily, the Sherlock Holmes of Grindr is here to make sure you’ll know better next time.
And voila, you’re a human metal detector—you’ll see that sword coming a mile away. Stay safe out there, besties. And remember: if the sword owner happens to be a woman instead of a man, disregard this article entirely. That’s hot as fuck.
