I do not feel prepared for life and I blame video games. Video games have turned me into a paranoid freak. They have put a lot of baseless fears into me that have stunted my growth, and at the ripe age of 34 I can no longer be silent, so here are 10 baseless fears that video games have given me.
Lava
Never once have I set foot outside, and all of a sudden I am surrounded by molten rock. I thought there would at least be street signs about not to park in certain areas, because a deluge of lava is about to roll through, but instead, it’s just street cleaning and I’ve collected so many tickets I’d rather my car had just melted at this point.
Poison Swamps
Hidetaka Miyazaki is a fraud and a liar. I have gone to every park in my neighborhood and I have yet to see one poison swamp or for that matter enemies that have adapted to poison swamps. There are no muck-like creatures emblematic of our destruction of the environment or just a weird ass frog!
Showers
I smell awful. I subsist off of wiping myself with the garbage in my room. It sounds like showers could help me out, but honestly, even just the thought of running water scares me so much that I only drink energy drinks.
Girls
I’m told the fairer sex will only use you for your body, betray you, and be bad at giving you ammo, but I have yet to even meet one! Apparently, girls are half the planet, but they don’t seem to be anywhere in my basement unless my mom counts, but moms aren’t girls they’re nags. Am I right? Heh heh. God! I’m so alone!
Minorities
Similar to girls in that I’ve never seen them but I also fear they are making video games and movies bad with DEI. I bet they want to make Batman a black socialist instead of a white billionaire. Nobody is turning Bruce Wayne into Martin Luther King on my watch!
Bad Ping
The horrors of life always seem to render with no lag! Like when my basement flooded and it ruined my PS5 or when Dad left and I never saw him again.
Exclamation Points
Metal Gear taught me that a giant exclamation point pops up above somebody’s head because they were surprised to see you, but that would require me to socially interact with people which is a no-go for me thank you very much.
Pointless DLC
My life has never expanded past the small corners of its existence. At this point, I would give anything for an expansion pack on my life that is mostly a pointless rehash of its best parts, but instead, it seems like all I’m doing is losing my hair.
Mimics
Every real-life treasure chest I have ever found has just had actual treasure in it, not a living creature that wants to eat me.
Invisible Walls
Oh, a wall that won’t let me enter a part of the map that hasn’t been developed. Ha! I’ve found I can go anywhere in the world, but that access has filled me with a deep dread and possible agoraphobia. My life is hell!
