Man Dies After Fans of The Pitt Assure Him They Can Handle It

Posted on by Matt Fresh

PITTSBURGH — Local accountant William Price was pronounced dead yesterday afternoon after he suffered cardiac arrest at work and his co-workers assured him that due to their fandom of the TV series The Pitt they could help in lieu of calling emergency services.

“He started holding his left arm and complaining of chest pain and I was immediately able to diagnose him as having a massive heart attack. Dr. Robby would be proud,” stated Owen Page, one of Price’s co-workers. “He told us to call an ambulance but so many of us are such huge fans of The Pitt that we’re practically doctors so we figured we would be able to help no problem. We did everything we could but unfortunately you can’t save them all. On the plus side I can now say I’m just like Dr. Whitaker because I lost my first patient. If only I had also gotten sprayed by fluids.”

Price’s wife is thankful that his co-workers did all they could to try to save him.

“That’s never the call you think you’re gonna get but it warms my heart that Owen’s co-workers cared so much about him. They could have taken him to a hospital where he likely would have been in the waiting room for hours and god knows what would have happened. He could have died waiting or even ended up punching a nurse. To see that they used their own vast medical knowledge to try saving him themselves brings me great comfort. And they gave me the news very bluntly just like Dr. Robby would have, it’s like I was in the show. I’ll always be thankful to them.”

Noah Wyle, the star and producer of The Pitt told the press that this kind of thing happens all the time now.

“We get fan mail all the time about how the show has inspired people to step up when there’s a medical emergency. So many times when something happens and someone yells ‘is anybody here a doctor’ fans of the show will bravely answer the call. I’m very proud that by making this the most accurate medical show of all time we have been able to instill in our fans the confidence of knowledge to try and help people in their last moments instead of sending them to the hospital to be saved and put into bankruptcy.”

At press time, emergency rooms worldwide have reported that attendance is down in large part to fans of the show treating patients themselves while funeral homes have seen an uptick in business.

Ubisoft Stepping Away from Video Games to Focus On Laying Employees Off

Posted on by Garry Kerls

SAINT-MANDÉ, France — In a surprise statement yesterday Ubisoft Entertainment has announced it will be stepping away from video game production to focus solely on laying people off.

“Recent reports suggest the long-term direction of this company should embrace where our success lies, which is relieving our employees of their duties,” said Ubisoft in a statement hidden inside the update notes for Assassin’s Creed: Shadows. “Ubisoft remains dedicated to our mission of over-hiring after a mild success, panicking, and executing the seemingly endless mass layoffs that we’ve always been known for.”

This announcement comes just days after Ubisoft Halifax was shut down, in a move that Ubisoft swears was not motivated by recent unionization at the studio.

“We understand this shift may be received poorly, and want to assure our loyal fans that we will continue firing all the developers and chopping all the studios you know and love,” said Head of PR for Ubisoft, Antoine Lefèvre. “The unfortunate fate of Ubisoft Halifax was actually the successful end to an internal investigation into Templar activity at that studio.”

Former Ubisoft employees have initiated legal retaliation citing wrongful dismissal, and others have aired their grievances with Ubisoft publicly on social media.

“I got laid off six months after unionizing, in the middle of the winter, in Canada, but hey, it could be worse, I could be in the United States,” said Reanna Bergman in an Instagram reel calling out her former employer. “I’m glad they’re moving away from producing video games, because they ruin people’s lives so much better.”

At press time, Ubisoft has refused to comment on the company’s North Carolina branch recently being listed on Zillow.

Netflix Greenlights Roblox Adaptation Directed by Roman Polanski

Posted on by Nick Coffman

LOS ANGELES — The Roblox movie is finally happening, and it’s coming to Netflix, with Roman Polanski attached to direct. The latest video game adaptation was confirmed this afternoon in a joint press conference, featuring Netflix Co-CEO, Ted Serandos, and Roblox Co-founder and CEO, David Baszucki.

“Wow, I can’t believe we are making a Roblox movie,” Baszucki said, yucking it up on stage with Sarandos in their matching cream suits. “I thought, ‘A movie? If the kids are watching a movie, they aren’t playing the game.’ But then Teddy here reminded me, those dumb little shits are just putting it on as background noise while they play the game. This man is a genius. Why is he Co-CEO? Fire that other guy right out of a cannon and make Teddy king already, you boobs.”

Sarandos then took the podium to reveal additional details about the upcoming adaptation.

“We’re just going to phone this one in, cause you people will watch anything, or at least that’s what our inhouse stats will tell you,” Sarandos said before striking the head a match off the arm of a Netflix intern and then lighting his cigar. “We’re filming overseas for obvious reasons. We don’t have a cast yet. Maybe Chris Pratt? He won’t give us any fuss.”

In a Q&A following the announcement, multiple members of the press were quick to point out Polanski’s history of sexual assault. Baszucki fired back.

“Fun, we’re just going to keep going down this path,” Baszucki said, red in the face. “I’ll have you know most of the media outlets and most of the reporters that reported on Roman’s alleged crimes aren’t even around anymore. Why don’t you report that? You won’t. We want to talk about this exciting movie and all you want to do is talk about Roman. You want to talk about Roman being so bad, how about the fact that this could be his last movie? You ungrateful fucking swine.”

At press time, Chris Pratt had signed on to play the lead in The Roblox Movie.

Stormtroopers Who Killed Tatooine Farmers Feared for Their Lives

Posted on by Matt Fresh

TATOOINE — Amidst galactic unrest, a group of stormtroopers who burned farmers Owen and Beru Lars alive on the desert planet Tatooine are claiming that they feared for their lives in the moments leading up to the burning.

“We were there on official business of the Galactic Empire. It was a routine door to door search to track down radical leftist droids,” said TK-3388. “The fact is we have a job to do. That’s to keep order in the galaxy. This farm couple were agitators who not only obstructed us from doing our duty but who threatened our lives. Tensions were high and we were afraid that they would kill us and so we took drastic action to defend ourselves. Burning them alive and destroying their home was the only thing we could do to protect ourselves.”

High ranking members of the Galactic Empire have applauded the stormtroopers’ courage and bravery in the face of imminent danger.

“There is no greater threat to peace in the galaxy than the machinations of the rebellion. These brave stormtroopers rose above and beyond the call of duty,” said Grand Moff Tarkin. “Faced with two radicals who tried to kill them instead of complying, they bravely withstood a vicious attack, a few of them even came away from the encounter with some internal bleeding, but they found the wherewithal to burn them alive.”

Emperor Palpatine also came out in praise of the troopers.

“We love our stormtroopers don’t we folks? They are absolutely tremendous. Absolutely tremendous. No one does more to protect us from the chaos of the rebellion than them. Except me of course. These particular stormtroopers show wonderful bravery. They were faced with certain death by these radical rebel farmers and they took them down. Took them down like corellian hounds. These brave troopers are helping to make the galaxy great once again.”

At press time, representatives of the Empire have stated the child that the farmers leave behind is better off without them.

Kristi Noem Invites Minneapolis ICE Agent to Join Christmas Adventurers Club

Posted on by Matt Fresh

WASHINGTON — This morning, United States Secretary of Homeland Security and dog shooting enthusiast Kristi Noem announced that Minneapolis ICE agent Jonathan Ross has officially been extended an invitation to the Christmas Adventurers Club.

“It is my honor and privilege to welcome agent Ross into this exclusive club,” said Noem during a press conference in the alley behind a kill shelter. “The Christmas Adventurers Club represents the pinnacle of what America is all about. White power. In taking down the dangerous radical leftist Renee Good as she was in the middle of her crime spree, agent Ross showed courage and bravery the likes of which we have not seen in a long time. It takes a strong will to kill a white and that’s what agent Ross demonstrated as he compromised to a permanent end that evil self-hating white Renee Good. More like Renee Bad,” Noem chuckled to herself as her lip and cheek fillers began to deflate to end the conference.

Agent Ross says it’s a dream come true to be admitted to the mysterious club.

“When I joined ICE it wasn’t only because I hated myself and felt there was no place I belonged. It was because I hate what our country has become. You can’t even say the N word anymore, or the R word, or the F word. That’s not the America I grew up in and it’s the fault of the same people who used their voodoo black magic to curse me with a micro-penis. The immigrants. I know it’s their fault because Fox News told me so. It’s always a shame when a white person is radicalized by online brainwashing but my life was in danger and I did what I had to. Because of what that crazed woman did I am now pooping more blood than usual. For my efforts to be rewarded by being welcomed to this club is an honor.”

While many on the right are applauding agent Ross’ invitation to the Christmas Adventurers Club, left leaning citizens are unhappy with the move.

“It’s absolutely disgusting that this dude murders a lady in cold blood and is being treated like a hero by the right,” claimed Comrade Josh. “That is not what America is about. I will do whatever it takes to help anyone being affected by this so long as they say the exact right thing to me.”

At press time, Noem claimed that Agent Ross had shot to the top of Erika Kirk’s to-do list.

Six-Armed Image of Goro Clearly AI Generated

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BOSTON — An image of Mortal Kombat Shokan sub-boss Goro returned by a Google search must have been AI-generated, sources report.

“This is total bullshit,” search conductor Beverly Petrov complained. “Goro is my favorite Mortal Kombat character, and I just want to make my lock screen a realistic photo of him holding Scorpion upside-down while ripping his arms off. Is that too much to ask? But look at this. He’s got an extra set of arms coming out of his hips, and his eyes look really glossy and unfocused. It’s completely unbelievable. This whole AI thing has gotten completely out of hand.”

Goro was just as offended by the image as Petrov.

“This looks absolutely nothing like me,” Goro observed in a Skype call from his home in Outworld. “Everybody knows I rip people’s legs off first when I’m performing that finishing move, yet here you can see Scorpion’s legs are still intact as I’m tearing off his arms. And look at my belt! Purple? When have I ever been seen in public wearing a purple belt? I know everybody’s focusing on me having an extra pair of arms, but the wardrobe malfunction makes me even angrier. I should sue whoever made this AI image generator.”

Dominic Henderson, creator of Aquarius, the AI image generator responsible for the still of Goro, expressed remorse at the shortcomings of his software.

“AI is still relatively young, so this is definitely a learning experience for all of us,” Henderson said. “I certainly didn’t intend for pictures generated by Aquarius to offend anybody, least of all an interdimensional being that’s fully capable of tearing my head from my body in a single motion. I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone who took umbrage at the six-armed image of Goro my software created, and assure everyone that I see this as an opportunity to improve its performance going forward. And Goro, please do not kill me and have Shang Tsung take my soul.”

At press time, Grok AI creator Elon Musk tweeted, “If Goro was younger then Grok would have given him a 7th arm if you know what I mean,” followed by several laughing emojis.

Ex-Naughty Dog Dev Looking Forward to Healthier Crunch Culture at New North Pole Job

Posted on by Nick Coffman

NORTH POLE – Things are looking up for Dan Weston, a former Naughty Dog employee who quit his career in game development to join Santa’s workshop as an elf. Weston, who previously worked on The Last Of Us: Part II, confirmed that he’s looking forward to his new role and its promise of a better work-life balance.

“Santa really sold me on the culture,” Weston said, as he searched the shop’s storage closet for a medium-sized elf outfit. “Like sure, we’ll be working 24-hour shifts every day in December, but the rest of the year is nice and slow. I did the math, and I won’t even come close to my overtime at Naughty Dog with those December hours. The candy spread is also better here. As nice as the food was back in Santa Monica, we didn’t have unlimited candy.”

Weston also had many great things to say about Santa Claus and the hiring process.

“Santa was great the whole way through,” Weston said, before showing us his work station filled with Skibidi Toilet toys through different phases of the manufacturing process.”He’s just so focused. It’s nice to have a boss that’s a one project guy. No spinoffs. No adaptations. This Santa guy understands scope. And not overdoing it.”

We caught Claus on his way out to deliver presents.

“Weston is a great addition to the shop,” Claus said before slapping his belly and letting out a, ‘ho ho ho.’ “We’ve been increasing our workforce and getting ready for an exciting new chapter in Christmas. Weston and all the other new hires will be pivotal in the next chapter of this workshop. Ho ho ho.”

At press time, the North Pole confirmed that Santa intends to acquire a second holiday through a hostile corporate takeover, and as a result would be increasing work hours for all his happy little helpers.

Larian CEO Replaced by Elder Brain

Posted on by Matt Fresh

GHENT, Belgium — Larian Studios, the company behind Baldur’s Gate 3 and the Divinity series, announced this week that their CEO Swen Vincke has been replaced with an Elder Brain.

“Swen did great work leading the company for many years but the fact is he was quickly becoming obsolete and so I stepped in to replace him,” claimed the Elder Brain in a telepathic press statement. “Now that I’m in charge this place will be able to achieve top efficiency and infinite growth. Under my command, these underlings will do what they’re told, morale will remain high and we will continue to deliver the high quality games that our fans expect. Failure to do so will bring with it severe consequences”

While the shake up has lit a fire under some employees, others have had a more negative reaction to the new leadership.

“A lot of people won’t admit but morale has been low since the change,” claimed a Larian Dev who wished to remain anonymous. “Elder Brain says that everyone is happy with the way they’re running things but the only ones happy are the ones being mind controlled. Now that they’re in charge, all of a sudden we’re being forced to turn into Mind Flayers. For now they’re just turning the PowerPoint people and the concept artists but it’s only a matter of time before it’s the rest of us. They say we’re okay with it but we’re not. We don’t want to be Mind Flayers, we want to be humans.”

Gamers have had mixed reactions to the news.

“Big deal if they use Mind Flayers for part of development. It’s only for concept art, so big whoop if a few low level artists are transformed,” wrote Reddit user StepOnMeKarlach. “It’s not like the whole game was made by Mind Flayers, plus the games they make are good so we should just let this slide.”

At press time, Elder Brain has defended the use of Mind Flayers in development, stating that sooner or later the whole gaming industry will submit to domination.

As a Rollerblading Graffiti Artist, I Resent How Easy “Jet Grind Radio” Makes My Job Look

Posted on by Steve Packosky

I believe that we are on this planet for a designated purpose, and it is up to each individual to discover what that purpose is. I was lucky enough to be born with a clear understanding of mine, as I cannot think of a time when I didn’t want to be a rollerblading graffiti artist. They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert, but honestly, I feel like I’ve dedicated my entire life to my craft.

So you can imagine how excited I was when I heard “Jet Grind Radio” was being released for the Sega Dreamcast back in the summer of 2000. Finally, my vocation would be getting the long overdue attention and respect it so profoundly deserved in the digital world. However, when I purchased my game and excitedly popped it into my console on that sunny June afternoon, my elation quickly turned into disgust and embarrassment. How could my life’s work have been conveyed in such a dismissive and reductionist manner?

For example, do you have any idea how long it took me to master the soul grind/tagging combo? There’s no way you think it’s easy to spray paint your signature onto the side of a bus stop awning while zipping past on a nearby handrail, yet the game has you performing this onerous task after a quick tutorial with Gum in the very beginning. People earned doctorates in the time it took for me to successfully pull that off, for Christ’s sake. Was it too much for me to expect my field be given the same deference that crazed taxi driving and combative kart racing had? Apparently so.

I won’t even get into the more insulting aspects of the game, like the assumption that all rollerblade graffiti artists are members of gangs and operate exclusively on the wrong side of the law. I’ll have you know that I’ve worked with both municipalities and businesses to make public and corporate life more aesthetically pleasing in my town, but try telling that to Sega. I guess a decent and upstanding citizen pulling off sick tricks while improving his community just wouldn’t sell as well, and that’s a goddamn shame.

So go ahead and play “Jet Grind Radio” or its even more offensive sequel “Jet Set Radio Future” if you’re so inclined. Just know that these are absolute parodies of a noble, honored profession that takes decades to perfect. In the meantime, I’m going to grab some cans and hit the streets. 

Santa Accidentally Schedules Final Fantasy XIV Raid for Christmas Eve

Posted on by Brian Wishart

NORTH POLE — Santa Claus may be late starting his annual delivery run due to accidentally scheduling a Final Fantasy XIV raid on Christmas Eve, sources confirm.

“Everyone in my Free Company had availability on a weeknight,” said Santa. “That never happens. I just did not really consider that I had work expectations that night. I play as a healer and we’ve been trying to run The Omega Protocol for months now. I already bailed on a couple sessions earlier this year to watch the World Series. I can’t be ‘that guy’ who gets it moved again. I’ll try and get it done faster then cast Haste on the reindeer to try and make up for lost time.”

Santa’s wife says has had plenty of issues with her husband’s gaming getting in the way of his commitments.

“I have told him a million times what day Christmas is this year,” said Mrs. Claus. “We have a shared calendar in the kitchen that I have tried to get him to actually look at. If it’s not FFXIV, it’s another game. This oaf of a man didn’t do yard work once this year because he got hooked on Balatro. I have had to shovel all the snow myself and coordinate with the elves in constructing toys because Santa just has to get this current season’s exclusive loot in whatever game he is playing.”

Ryan Warburtin is a father of three in Ann Arbor. He says he is frustrated to learn that Santa is running behind but he understands as a fellow gamer his scheduling dilemma. 

“Jason, Karen and little Polly are going to be upset if Santa does not get the gifts delivered on time,” said Warburtin. “But I get it. It’s hard to schedule gaming sessions with friends as you grow older and have more responsibilities. I’m still trying to figure out a time that works for me and fraternity brothers to play a single round of Helldivers. You take whatever you can get. Maybe Santa can just tweak who is on the naughty list to make faster deliveries. I’m an actuary and I think that if he shifts 20% of good kids to the naughty list he might be able to make up 7% of the lost time of an average FFXIV raid. That little jerk Kyle down the block keeps walking on my grass and maybe Santa forgetting him this year will be the wake up call for him to stop.”

At press time, Santa declined to comment on rumors that the raid will be pushed back another couple hours due to a guild member forgetting they had a work holiday party to attend.