Marvel Announces Coin Toss Will Decide Whether They Cast Javier Bardem as Galactus or Kill Him

Posted on by Daniel Johnson

NEW YORK – Javier Bardem was finally allowed to release a statement after being lured to Marvel HQ by president of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige, and it sounds like he’s gotten himself into a pretty big pickle.

“He said he was interested in me for a new project. And when I said I wasn’t too sure about a superhero movie, he said we could chat about it at Marvel HQ. Next thing I know, he knocks me unconscious and I wake up strapped to the Thanos throne prop. Kevin walked in and told me I have one day to think about how I want to call a coin flip. If I get it right he would cast me as Galactus in the upcoming Fantastic Four movie. If not, I would never act again. More specifically, he said he’s going to kill me.”

Bardem went on to say as worried as he is about whether he will get to work with fan-favorite Pedro Pascal, he was more worried about Feige’s ability to tell fact from fiction.

“I don’t want to die, but he told me, ‘You deserve your comeuppance for that coin flip you put that poor old man through.’ Does Kevin think I’m actually Anton Chigurh? Does he think all of his actors are real superheroes? Does he think Vin Diesel is a tree?”

Local Marvel fan Dillon Wright was torn when we asked about his thoughts on Bardem’s precarious predicament.

“I really don’t know where I stand on this at the moment, because Galactus is one of my absolute favorite Marvel villains! But, I think I would rather see an actor I enjoy like Dwayne Johnson or Jason Momoa play him. I just didn’t really love Bardem’s work in ‘No Country for Old Men’ or Skyfall’. It would be nice if he could walk away but if he has to die for the betterment of the MCU, so be it.”

We also received word this wasn’t the only punishment set up to pressure actors to accept MCU roles. If Pedro Pascal hadn’t been as eager for his role, Feige was set to stick him in a room with clicker zombies until he accepted.

Body Positive Enemy Boss Refuses to Cover Up Giant, Glowing Weak Spot

Posted on by Traye Holland

In a striking victory for body positivity, video game boss Gothar, Defiler of Worlds refuses to cover up his giant, glowing weak spot.

“I prefer not to call them ‘weak spots’, actually,” said Gothar. “I prefer to call them ‘positive points.’ I mean, I’m a giant monster with acid spit, lava wings, and claws made out of pure malice. You would think I wouldn’t be bothered about anything on my body, but that isn’t true. I used to be very self-conscious of this giant, glowing spot on my belly, but after taking the time to accept myself, I can’t wait to show it off to the worlds that I then defile.”

Gothar’s attitude change has not only impacted him. It seems that those employed by him have also noticed a change in his demeanor.

“We’re all very proud of the boss,” said one of Gothar’s minions, whose true name cannot be written or pronounced in any human language, but asked that we call them Debbie. “Before he embraced his weak spot, I mean, positive point, he did everything he could to cover it up. Armor, paint, the blood of his enemies. It never really worked. I mean, the spot glows! Nobody ever brought it up, but we all could tell it was impacting his self-esteem. It’s one thing to defile worlds, but you don’t have to be such a grump about it! Now it’s like his whole outlook on ending all life in the universe has changed. Work has actually become a fun environment.”

Gothar said he had gotten to this point through extensive therapy, rigorous self-care, and reciting daily affirmations.

“I am confident. I am beautiful. I am good at defiling worlds,” recited Gothar.

At the time of this article, Gothar plans to write a self-help book for other bosses to come to terms with their weak spots, and plans to start the first draft after he leads his hoard in a campaign to defile Earth, where he will proudly display his ‘positive point’ in a battle against the Chosen One.

Rebel Moons Marketing Budget Mostly Spent Reminding People It’s Not Star Wars

Posted on by Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES – Hollywood insiders reveal Rebel Moon’s marketing budget has been spent mostly on reminding people that it isn’t a Star Wars movie.

“Yes, it looks like Star Wars,” said Zak Snyder, the movie’s director and co-writer. “It started life as an R-rated Star Wars idea but when Lucasfilm rejected it, we thought we would do rewrites and make it something wholly original while making sure to mention Star Wars in all of our interviews prior to release. That way, people know that it isn’t Star Wars, even though it sorta looks like Star Wars. It’s not Star Wars.”

Entertainment websites and trades have been releasing a lot of articles that remind people that, yes, Rebel Moon with its setting, bad guys being the Imperium, and apparent use of lightsabers does look like Star Wars, it definitely isn’t.

“We’ve been making sure to keep that clickbait flowing,” said ScreenRant’s Bobby Binder. “Star Wars fans and Snyder fans are two of the most easy to aggravate fandoms on Earth so pitting them against each other is easy. Having headlines about how one producer actually said ‘F**k Star Wars’ set both fandoms at each other’s throats which was just music to my cold, dead, clickbait-writing heart.”

Marketing agency, 3Dimensionz, were tasked with promoting the movie which hits theaters in December.

“Yeah, we had a hell of a task on our hands,” said Sheila White, head of design. “We wanted to showcase this new sci-fi world while making sure people knew it wasn’t Star Wars even though things like making the tagline of the movie ‘There are no heroes. Only rebels.’ seems like something a Star Wars movie would have. I mean, even the title Rebel Moon sounds like a spin-off Star Wars novel. But, Zak Snyder told me it’s not Star Wars and we need the public to know that which has been our job for the past 12 months. But dude, I gotta say, this whole thing feels super Star Wars-y. Just saying.”

Lucasfilm have yet to comment, seemingly happy that someone is still making Star Wars movies when they can’t seem to work it out themselves. 

REPORT: Visiting Friend Doesn’t Suck at Mortal Kombat, Just Used to Smaller TV

Posted on by Brad Lester

After the fifth consecutive fatality, lifelong friend Greg Udokis has reportedly called it a night, citing difficulty competing on your 85” OLED 4K 120Hz TV.

Despite having never displayed any prowess playing fighting games during the 19 years you’ve known him, Greg seemed certain that the size of your designed-for-gaming television was solely to blame for his ineptitude over the Thanksgiving break.

“It’s just too f**ing big, bro,” Greg pleaded, tossing your $70 controller onto the floor and dislocating the right trigger. “I’m used to playing with a 1ms response time on my monitor back home, I absolutely crush on my setup. This big-ass TV is trash.”

Hard Drive’s investigative reporters found this claim to be fraudulent, with Udokis sporting a win ratio of just 19% in MK11’s online modes.

Further digging uncovered similarly poor statistics in other arenas: a 0.56 K/D ratio in last year’s iteration of Call of Duty, a win percentage of .02% in Fall Guys, and perhaps most surprisingly, a seemingly insurmountable debt of 5.696 million Bells in the laid-back Animal Crossing: New Horizons.

When confronted with these statistics, Udokis declined to comment, quickly changing the subject by suggesting a friendly game of Madden.

He again found himself on the losing side – this time to the tune of a 21-0 score by the middle of the second quarter, bringing the conclusion of the game by way of the house’s established mercy rule.

“You just won because you gave me the controller without a trigger,” Udokis explained.

REPORT: Person Playing This Mobile Game Ad Sucks Shit

Posted on by Julien Perez

Sacramento, CA — A horrifying new report confirms that the person playing the mobile game Gardenscapes in a recent advertisement sucks ass.

“They were this close to winning the treasure and then they made the brain dead decision to use a bomb instead of a key,” says Robert Dixon, a frequent recipient of the Gardenscapes ad. “I had to download the game myself to prove to this dumbass how easy the game was.”

Even the ad itself seemed to mock the idiot player with a huge red “FAIL” stamp at the end.

“I swear I’m doing my best. Some of these games are just really really hard,” says Javier Vargas, the mobile gamer at the heart of nearly all mobile gaming advertisements. “You try to save a mustached bald man from imminent danger by redirecting hot lava to a different chamber. It’s not as easy as it sounds!”

The advertisements seem to disagree. As Vargas continues to make birdbrain moves an IQ score lowers and lowers to a near medically concerning level. This ad tactic, however, is done by design.

“We only hire the worst,” says Rich Lyons, the senior director at Blue Sky Creative Agency. “Our hope is that once people see a straight up dipshit play our client’s games, they feel the need to download and play the game themselves just out of spite towards the guy.”

Dixon was speechless upon hearing Lyons’ words. He had not only downloaded Gardenscapes but has since held a top spot on the leaderboard. “I thought it was strange how the gameplay in the ad had zero relation to the actual gameplay but I figured it would eventually get to those games after the first few levels.”

This was not the case. “Oh my god. This whole time I thought the person playing those ads was a fucking moron, but it’s me who’s the actual fucking moron,” said Dixon with a thousand yard stare.

At press time, Vargas was seen jumping into a snake pit instead of walking around it.

Jackbox Announces Crossover with SAW Franchise for Next Party Pack

Posted on by E. Alexander Zimmerman

IN YOUR LIVING ROOM – With both franchises achieving a landmark 10th entry and the fresh announcement of SAW XI, the Game Masters at SAW and Jackbox are putting their heads together for a combination that can bring some new life to the two well-established formulas, reports confirm. 

Creative Director at Jackbox Games, Spencer Ham, spoke on the nature of the collaboration and the excitement of bringing in the SAW franchise in a press release: “After Jackbox 10, we didn’t want to just slow down. We wanted to speed up. Put the pedal to the medal. We’ve made people laugh, we’ve made people fight, hell, we’ve probably made a few cry! But we need to make them feel true fear.”

Following his speech, delivered in front of a model of the iconic Bathroom Trap from the premiere Saw, several titles for future games were announced, including Shotgun Couch, What’s Inside That Mind and Reverse Bear Hug.

Gameplay was shown from a reconfigured version of their highly popular Patently Stupid. Instead of designing a consumer product, contestants on “Let’s Design a Game” are tasked with designing the most grizzly SAW-style trap they can think of based and vote on it! Winning Traps are then entered into a raffle, and a select number of them will be built, and all the losing players will be strapped into it! So make sure there’s enough room for all your friends! 

We asked director of the first SAW film, James Wan his thoughts on the crossover: 

“What? I haven’t had anything to do with SAW for like, 19 years now? God that was so long ago. I’m making Aquaman now, dude. I’ve moved on. Do you want to talk Aquaman: The Lost Kingdom, actually?” 

Talk about torture!   

 

Hard Drive’s Top 10 Most Godless Pokémon

Posted on by Yuusuf Aidid

Godlessness is rife not just in our doomed world, but also in the world of Pokémon. As a purveyor of Abrahamic milieux, and a possessor of an encyclopedic knowledge of Pokémon, it is my moral duty to present this list of the top 10 most godless Pokémon. You will know which ones to avoid while exploring the snowy routes of Sinnoh to the arid deserts of Galar. Save yourself now from a world of hellfire, damnation, and annoying Pokémon cries.

#10 — Wobbuffet

Wobbuffet is a reactionary. A hopeless non-believer, unaware of the warm embrace God can provide to all of his acolytes. He cannot conceive of loving something unconditionally. Keep away from him, as his Shadow Tag ability traps your poor, helpless Pokémon into a debate where it keeps saying “ad hominem” to anything you say. I don’t even think Wobbuffet enjoys doing that, but he is simply doomed to do so. 

#9 — Gorebyss

No creature has ever been more vivacious than Gorebyss, yet this vivacity does not breed a holistic love of our lord and saviour, as Gorebyss is a sadist. Poor unconverted Octillery and Grapploct on the ocean floor encounter this messianic figure, a paragon of beauty and God’s graces. And what does Gorebyss do, instead of spreading the gospel? Induct these poor souls into her cult of Satanism, sucking the life force out of them, and dooming them to a life of rampant heresy. Stay away from diving in the waters where Gorebyss lurks. And God help you if she uses Shell Smash.

#8 — Regigigas

Regigigas is a failed iconoclast. Up in Snowpoint Temple it slumbers, waiting for three failed incarnations of false idolatry. A guy I knew from Jubilife City Trainer School once travelled to Hoenn just to awaken Regigigas. Next I hear from his aunt, he gave Regigigas to his Galarian cousin, because it was useless? The guy takes five turns to start working! I can see an entire gym battle happen in that time. If you’re going to defile the sacraments our Lord Almighty sent down to us, have the decency to do it with some urgency. 

#7 — Lickilicky

Of all the mortal sins, I personally believe that lust is the worst. Lickilicky is lust personified. Every single interaction this heretic has the barbaric sensation of a presence on its gargantuan tongue. I keep lobbying the Safari Zone to euthanize it, but they told me that I wouldn’t be allowed past the Route 48 if I kept doing it. Avoid physical contact at all costs.

#6 — Urshifu

One of the many benefits of having God in your life is that He provides protection in everyone’s weakest moments. In Pokémon battles, Protect is the ultimate vessel of God’s encompassing preservation. Urshifu is a master of the arcane arts, penetrating through the near-infinite layers of Protect with his “unseen fist”. Beware of the Towers of Darkness and Water. It is a state-sanctioned propaganda factory. Wake up Mareeple! 

#5 — Diggersby

No loving God would ever put Diggersby onto any plane of existence, without cowering in shame at its presence. My aunt from Kalos told me that in her Friend Safari, she found a smorgasbord of Diggersby trying to convert poor, innocent Phanpy and Trapinch to the Unification Church. Smart trainers will ensure they stay away from this band of apostates.

#4 — Crabominable

Every Crabominable’s life is a cold, painful existence whose godlessness cannot be expunged at the sight of hell, for it is simply not hot enough to cleanse it of the frigid heresy it is doomed to undertake. At my behest, Professor Kukui has started to put signs around the base of Mount Lanakila, warning trainers not to take their virginal Crabrawler up to be sullied.

#3 — Turtonator

Turtonator, like Wobbuffet, is another Reddit-esque debater. However, instead of drawing the debate out with your Pokémon, these infidels lie in wait for an opening in your argument, and attack you with a relentless barrage of deceptively simple philosophical questions. Once, while working as a missionary near Blush Mountain, I saw a young Turtonator hatching. For a brief moment, it felt God smile upon her. Then this poor child turned away from this light in shame, and undertook the ritual of the Shell Trap- one so barbaric, it is banned in every region but Alola. Avoid physical contact during the ritual of the Shell Trap, unless you want the clothes on your body to be eviscerated.

#2 — Wo-Chien

Pestilence itself lives in fear of both the destitution Wo-Chien institutes on surrounding vegetation, and the banality with which it takes life. Uncaring of the barren wasteland it leaves in its wake. Yveltal cowers in fear at the sight of Wo-Chien. At my most recent sermon, I heard from the pastor that the Asado Desert used to be a place filled with life before Wo-Chien slithered through there. Makes you think about what Grasswither Shrine will look like in another 700 years…

#1 — Carnivine

Look at him. There is no life behind those eyes. Every single process that sentient beings go through is absent from this creature’s life. The only emotion it feels is constant, unimaginable agony. Its limbs are superfluous. Carnivine lives off of the scraps that other naive Pokemon feed to it out of pity. Avoid Carnivine at all costs, for even a mindless utterance will permanently sever the link between you and whatever god you believe in.

Colorblind Traveler Dies After Buying Wrong Potions

Posted on by TJ Main

BYRIM KINGDOM —- Attempting to traverse the caverns of Grimgor Volcano, a young traveler was found charred after his apparent colorblindness led to the consumption of the wrong potions, reports confirmed.

“Around the remnants of the body we found 15 bottles of rare-item increase elixir,” said a local royal guard.

“It was unclear to us at first why anyone would start chugging rarity potions instead of fireproof potions upon entering an active volcano. It became a lot clearer to us after noticing the utter lack of color coordination with his armor set and his note written in red ink that says, ‘out of red ink.’”

The news of the young traveler’s passing hit hard with those close to him, who had never understood the hints he was giving.

“He would always say to me that the world was a very black and white place,” said the mother of the deceased.

“I thought he was talking about good and evil! I didn’t know he literally thought it was black and white! How is any mother of a young traveler supposed to know when they’re talking in poetic metaphors or not!”

“This whole thing has really opened my eye,” said a local one-eyed orc.

“We rely so much on the color system we don’t even think about how risky it is! I mean, you could buy a potion for your grandma thinking it’ll restore her mana, and instead she starts shooting deadly shockwakes for 45 seconds! And that’s if it only has 1 lizard tongue!”

US Government Admits They Funded, Instigated Dance Dance Revolution

Posted on by Peyton Cabral

WASHINGTON DC- The State Department declassified documents today showing they funded militants during the Dance Dance Revolution of 1998.

Independent journalist Jason Newcomb had discovered the scandal weeks ago, prompting outrage. “I’ve always been interested in the Dance Dance Revolution, but I thought that there was no way millions of people would depose such a popular president. Of course with a little digging, I found out that the Americans had given 18 million dance mats in ‘aid’ to the rebels. Of course, this was disguised as a humanitarian effort.” Newcomb sighed, adding “I suppose carpet bombing glow sticks and disco balls over population centers was humanitarian as well.”

The US government had quickly organized a press conference in response to the outrage. State Department spokesman Kerry Gallis remarked, “The democratically elected president, Professor Funk-Phasmic, had advocated communist ideals, a socialist agenda, and slamming beats. The US at the time was unwilling to let such rulers spread those ideas in the midst of the Cold War.” Upon being told the year of the coup d’etat, Gallis shrugged. “It was close enough.”

Survivors of the coup and the chaos that followed commiserated together. Movement Jones, former Secretary of Education, remarked, “General Good-Times Grooveman’s liberation force was ruthless. I used to love dancing. Everybody did, until we were forced to bust moves on the floor for sixteen hours a day. He rigged mats to explode if you stepped on the wrong arrow. A high score just wasn’t enough.” Jones did express relief that the Americans had finally expressed sorrow for their role in the tragedy. “This is the first step on a long walk to America confronting itself and its past.”

Gallis confirmed the American government was not apologizing and had no intention of stopping similar operations in the future.

WWE 2K24 to Include Unfinished Story Mode

Posted on by HG Punk

STAMFORD – Sources confirmed the next “WWE 2K” game will not only feature Cody Rhodes as a wrestler, but also honor him with a story mode that can’t be finished.

“To honor the American Nightmare plays will be able to relive his story that he has yet to finish. You’ll scratch and claw your way through the WWE roster, and in the end truly feel the satisfaction of being attacked by the Usos or punched in the balls,” reads the press release. “The mode has elements of roguelike gameplay in it, a historic first for 2K. You’ll be able to buy upgrades throughout the year like dedicating the match to your dad or visiting a Make-a-Wish kid, but in the end it’s all to see how long you can last before losing. With this new technology, it’ll be a finale that’s impossible to newcomers and veterans alike”.

Though developers are not supposed to disclose information about the upcoming game, we were able to sit down with one to talk about the trials of making the title.

“We did have a celebration cutscene planned for Cody a few months back. He’d hold the belt, confetti and pyro would rain down, Vince McMahon would personally hug him, Goldust would come back for some reason, all the works,” revealed the anonymous developer. “Then one of the higher ups said they wanted to hold it off for a bigger release, and just scrapped the entire thing. This mode was what we were putting the whole game behind, we were all disappointed to cut it – I can’t blame them though, we only have 12 months to make these games, and we can’t run a sloppy shop. Priorities take place, like not fixing Universe mode or locking more wrestlers behind MyFaction.”

Though many seem excited by the commitment to not committing, there is a vocal subsection of fans scorned by the decision, as with most things wrestling.

“It’s clear that this game is just going to be the same product that we’ve seen over and over again since 2K22. Just throwing away what the fans want to see happen so that you can build to another quick buck,” said Sam Holland Jr., self-proclaimed ‘smark’. “If they won’t let us finish the story as Cody now, what game will it be? 2K25? 2K26? Are we just going to have to keep waiting until whatever game they put The Rock on the cover? Shit like this is why when I buy the game on launch, I’m only going to be playing as the NXT wrestlers.”

The news has sparked an arms race around the world of wrestling games, as AEW has started looking into including a story mode in a sequel to “AEW: Fight Forever” where your player character has to stand around and do nothing of substance for eight months while their opponent heals from injury.