Game Night: Be A Bad Enough Dude to Rescue a Scientist in ‘Guns of Fury’

There was an argument in some corners of the video game Internet last year about the alleged overuse of yellow paint as an objective marker. This was spurred by several then-recent releases like God of War: Ragnarok, Final Fantasy VII Rebirth, and the Separate Ways DLC for the Resident Evil 4 remake.

The common thread between those games is that they all use yellow paint to indicate that you can interact with a given object, such as a destructible crate or handholds on a climbable wall. Some players thought that was an unnecessary detail, and perhaps even insulting to their intelligence. Some players clearly don’t have enough real problems.

I didn’t think much of that conversation at the time, and still don’t, but I’ve begun to wonder if it had a bigger impact on game development than I thought it would. Guns of Fury is the third game I’ve played recently, after Iron Meat and INAYAH, where part of its challenge is figuring out what parts of its environments are actually meant to be interactive, and I’m not sure how much of that was intended.

Guns is a 2D action/platformer from indie developers John and Lefteris Christodoulatos, who previously created Goblin Sword for iOS and Switch. With Guns, they’ve made a game that has one of the easiest elevator pitches I’ve ever seen: what if Metal Slug, but also Metroid?

Guns is set in the 2040s, when an energy crisis has plunged Earth into open conflict. A scientist named Klaus announces he’s invented a new technology, the Tetra Cell, that could address the planet’s power needs.

Then Klaus is kidnapped by the private research corporation Easton Industries, which plans to weaponize the Tetra Cell. You play as special operative Vincent Fury, who’s sent to Easton Industries’ headquarters to find and retrieve Dr. Klaus, but immediately gets captured. Once you break out of your cell, you’re left alone and unarmed behind enemy lines.

Guns wears its influences on its sleeves from the start. It’s a throwback to both SNK’s Metal Slug series, which is known for both its hardcore action and its hand-drawn, lovingly animated sprites, and the deliberate inaccessibility of the first couple of Metroid games. Guns features a huge, sprawling map full of hazards, enemies, and puzzles, where you often have to think outside the box a little in order to make progress.

That’s something about the first few Metroid games that got lost along the way as the “Metroidvania” genre evolved: they aren’t afraid to frustrate you. Many later games in Metroid’s lane, including Symphony of the Night, feature a comparatively streamlined map design that’s designed to lead you along a specific path. If you hit an obstacle, you know to come back later once you’ve found a way to bypass it. In Metroid, conversely, you’re supposed to laboriously search every tile on every wall for hidden items and secret passages. If you don’t, you’ll eventually hit a hard stop.

Guns is only a little more forgiving than that. It’s got a couple of modern quality-of-life features like an automap, and you can eventually unlock the ability to fast-travel between save points. Even so, there are several points over the course of the game where your progress stops dead unless you solve what amounts to an unlabeled puzzle. One area requires you to destroy a bridge that doesn’t initially appear to be destructible, while another looks like a dead end unless you blow up part of the background to reveal a couple of new platforms, which don’t initially look like you could stand on them at all.

That added a couple of hours to my first run through Guns, as I didn’t initially understand that. It turned out the real problem was that I wasn’t constantly spraying every object in every new room with random gunfire. At this rate, I’m going to get my American citizenship revoked.

The other half of Guns is an absolute love song to the Metal Slug series, complete with weird enemies, sudden ambushes, painstakingly well-animated enemies, and constant fights against crazy Rube Goldberg war machines. It’s a pleasure to run through some of the larger areas with guns blazing, taking out enemy soldiers, tanks, and robots alike with whatever firepower you’ve managed to scrounge up. Every prolonged combat sequence in Guns’ open world feels like the last 20 minutes of Commando.

Guns saves most of its challenge for its boss fights. Most of them involve a sudden genre shift into bullet hell, as most bosses can fill the screen with several different waves of death. The first trick is figuring out how to survive; the second is finding an opening in which to safely return fire.

That being said, if all you want to do is beat the game, you can face-tank every boss by bringing a full inventory of food and medicine with you. Whenever you take a hit, just pause the game to jam 3 pizzas down Vincent’s throat. If you’re looking for a truly hardcore experience, Guns can deliver that, but you’ll have to set some restrictions for yourself first.

Guns of Fury is the latest indie game that might be a little too lavishly animated for its own good, with a few points of unnecessary visual confusion. Beyond that, however, it’s a crazy ‘80s action movie in video game format, with tons of surprises, a gift for well-paced fight scenes, a bigger map than I expected, and some of the best sprite work I’ve seen in years. It’s worth your time.

[Guns of Fury, published and developed by Gelato Games, is now available for Nintendo Switch and PC via Steam for $14.99. This column was written using a Steam copy of the game purchased by Hard Drive.]

Video Game Story Spoiled by Title of Recommended Video on YouTube

SPOKANE, WA — Local high school student and gamer Travis Feeny was struck with tragedy and bitter disappointment on Wednesday evening when some of the biggest plot points for the new Nintendo Switch game “The Ten Thousand Perils of Possum Plateau” were spoiled by a video playthrough the youth saw on YouTube.

The video, entitled: “What Happens in TTPPP When You Pop the Possum Queen’s Cyst?” was uploaded by a creator known only as Gumsh, who is known for “doing this sort of thing.”

“It sucked. I bought the game to play on my Switch, but my mom won’t let me start gaming until after my homework’s done. So I put on a video about the game to listen to while I was doing my homework and just let it autoplay,” explained Feeny. “Before I knew it, the fucking game was ruined. I didn’t wanna know that the game ends with you popping the Possum Queen’s Perilous Pilonidal Cyst and Drinking the Pus of Peace. It’s worthless now. I don’t even like Gumsh! He’s for fucking babies!”

Feeny’s mother, Laura Feeny was present to witness the devastating aftermath

“I hate that Travis watches those stupid YouTube videos while he works,” said Mrs. Feeny. “I let him do it because it was the only way to get him to actually do his homework. Before, he used to lock himself in his room with one of his consoles and just stay there until three or four AM. His grades were in freefall and the smell was unbearable. I don’t know what this stupid possum game was or what a Gumsh is. Maybe this is good for him. Maybe this was a step in the right direction.”

But the video’s creator, Craig Wollwood, aka Gumsh, had other thoughts.

“I don’t feel bad that that kid got the game spoiled for him,” Wollwood said. “Gumsh Nation is no place for noobs. Gumsh nation is for the real players. The ones who don’t go to school. The ones who don’t work. The ones who haven’t bathed in weeks because the musk is part of what sustains us. I suppose next you’ll be griping to me that I spoiled the ending of Waluigi’s BDSM Island Adventure, where Waluigi marries the Nipple Clamp Princess. Well grip if you like, but you can’t grip against Gumsh Nation! We are many! We are legion!”

At press time, the younger Feeny had begrudgingly returned to his algebra homework, while Wollwood celebrated the newly subscribed fifty-eighth member of Gumsh Nation.

Geoff Keighley Celebrates Pride by Following Corporate Mandate to Ignore It

LOS ANGELES — Summer Game Fest producer and Archduke of Advertisements Geoff Keighley will be making a special effort to celebrate Pride Month this year by following his corporate mandate to completely ignore it.

“I love gaming, particularly the revenue it brings me when I hawk my wares at the common folk,” said Keighley while readjusting his skin during a livestream to prove he’s a real human. “The LGBTQ+ community makes up a huge portion of our audience and I appreciate that but they are not more important to me than the almighty dollar. Nothing is. So when the executives at the big corporations that pay my bills tell me not to acknowledge them, then that’s what I’m going to do without hesitation. If they want me to support them so badly I’m sure they know how to write a check.”

An executive at one of the gaming corporations spoke to us on Keighley’s Pride Month plans under the cover of anonymity.

“Look if that patsy wants to wish anyone a happy Pride or acknowledge gay people in any way, we’re not gonna give him access to any of our commercials and we won’t be paying him to talk about our products,” the executive said while ferociously shredding financial documents. “In previous years, it’s been okay for us to give out token acknowledgements, add a rainbow emblem into our games, change our social media profile picture, that kind of meaningless stuff that makes for good PR but we don’t actually have to support a cause. But these days, with this administration, no way. That’ll hurt our bottom line. Bigots are still paying customers. Keighley is a good dog and he’ll do as he’s told.”

Keighley defended himself from calls that he should use his platform to shine a light on marginalized members of the gaming community.

“I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I shouldn’t be expected to risk my big pay day just to use my platform to do good. You guys are already marginalized, I don’t need my bank account to be marginalized as well,” Keighley exclaimed while practicing various human-like facial expressions. “The only thing I have pride in is how many ads I can cram into one show. Do you see this batarang behind me that makes me relatable to your species? That was paid for by Baja Blast bitch!”

At press time, Keighley has stated he believes that the only real love is between a man and his friend Hideo Kojima.

Elon Musk Quits Government Job to Focus on Improving Animal Crossing Village

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk is ending his government work to focus on improving his village in Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Musk confirmed his distancing from President Trump as well as his latest endeavor, during a Twitch stream earlier this week.

“Wait, you don’t have enough bells for the house right away,” Musk said to a Twitch chat full of bots and chuds. “This is unrealistic. I should have enough bells to buy this whole stupid island. Who only has one-thousand bells? Why is Tom Nook approving this loan? He’s never going to see the rest of those bells. He’s not even giving me a deadline to pay or get out. Also, why has he employed these little raccoons? Look at all this waste. I bet if he would let me, I could cut down his costs. I could start a department. Call it the Department of Nook’s Goods. I’d run it, for a small bell fee of course.”

The next hour of the stream featured Musk trying and failing in almost every aspect of the game, including a 20-minute attempt to shake apples off of a tree. After wandering about the island for another 40-minutes, Musk finally relocated Nook’s shop.

“There’s no option to gut the inner workings of the store,” Musk said out loud, not realizing that he had accidentally switched to his web-cam only scene on OBS. “Can I fire the little raccoons? Wait, why are they offering me 100 bells for these apples? Fucking morons. If they want to overpay for apples, I have no problem indulging that. I’ll just sucker some villagers into picking all the apples for me. Once I’ve sold them all, I’ll buy the island and Nook will answer to me.”

The stream took a turn for the worst when Musk realized his plan would not work. His eyes grew heavy as he slowly realized villagers would not work for him and he would be forced to pick all the apples himself.

“This is not fun at all,” Musk said as he tossed his controller across the private jet and began to dig through a stack of games. “Why won’t anyone do anything I tell them to do? I say ‘pick apples’ you pick the fucking apples and thank me for letting you do that. I can’t play this game. I need a game where those below me serve my every command. Where the poors aren’t afraid to die for me. There’s got to be something in this stack of games that plays to my every whim.”

At press time, Musk had switched to Pikmin and was finding joy in throwing red pikmin into large bodies of water.

Opinion: But Kevin’s Mom Bought Him a Switch 2!

I have seen much injustice in my short lifetime, but it feels like more than ever we are being screwed over left and right by the powers that be. We are at a pivotal moment in history, where our actions (and more importantly, our inactions) will have a detrimental effect on our livelihoods.

That’s why I stand before you, mother, and implore you to stand on the right side of history because it’s absolute bullshit that you won’t buy me a Switch 2 even after telling you Kevin’s mom bought him one.

This is abject cruelty! Kevin had worse grades than me and he was suspended for pantsing the principal at the pep rally, yet his mom still looked past that and got him one. You know what kind of parent does that? A cool one. And right now you are giving major loser energy which is going to become hereditary if that dipshit is playing Mario Kart World before I am.

OH MY GOD MOM THE SWITCH AND SWITCH 2 ARE NOT THE SAME THING. Did you even watch the Nintendo Direct from March? I sent you the video six times. I’m starting to think you’re completely out of touch with what’s going on. In just a few hours I’m going to be sitting on old tech while Kevin is going to be streaming Cyberpunk 2077 from his bedroom because he’s also allowed to play mature games. Yes, I know that it’s $500 but I have no concept of money and last time I checked being able to buy me stuff was your problem.

I didn’t want to be that kid but you’ve forced my hand. I spoke to grandma yesterday and she told me a very interesting story about how you broke her balls over getting you a Wii because Sarah Kensington down the street had one. So the fact you won’t help me level the playing field against Kevin is wildy hypocritical. How does it feel to become the very thing you hated?

Listen, I’m going to be more than fair here and let you make this my birthday and Christmas present if that’s what it takes. Your negligence is going to drive all the neighborhood kids going to Kevin’s house and I’ll end up a social outcast. Plus his mom lets his friends drink!

Do the right thing. You know you want to play Donkey Kong Bananza too.

Leader of the Free World Becomes Leader of the Premium+ World

WASHINGTON — Recent proceedings in the United States’ government have led the current administration to reclassify President Donald Trump from ‘Leader of the Free World’ to ‘Leader of the Premium+ World,’ our sources confirm.

“The President has been very clear, if you want something from us, you’ve gotta pay for it,” said Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt during her daily barrage of perfectly reasonable questioning. “If Ukraine wants peace they’re gonna have to sign over their precious metals, and perhaps a few major cities, that’s just how it’s gonna go down, don’t expect a hand out.”

The President’s new tariff policy has set a precedent to the rest of the world’s nations that the USA is done with negotiation and reason, and the only thing that will sway this administration is cold hard cash.

“The days of importing oil, vehicles, and computer hardware are over!” said Vice President JD Vance from the kid’s table. “The only thing we want coming into our country are burlap sacks with dollar signs on them, and the only thing we expect to export are Venmo requests and invoices for all the great content we supply to the world.”

During a recent flight on Air Force One, President Trump debuted his new ‘Trump Gold Card,’ a pay to win method for elite immigrants wanting to migrate into the burning wasteland that is the USA.

“It’s a great deal! $5 million for this beautiful piece of plastic, it’s so shiny I can see my gorgeous reflection in it,” said the President in between turbulence bumps and the pilot’s plea to fasten seatbelts. “Act now and I’ll throw in a free season of the upcoming USA Battle Pass, which includes a draft dodge bonus and a free play token to any Atlantic City Trump casino.”

The economy’s reaction to these bold diplomatic decisions has been less than enthusiastic – shrinking for the first time since the Covid-19 pandemic. American’s have been warned to expect empty shelves, rising prices, and new paywalls on features that used to be free.

At press time, the President has flirted with the idea of letting criminals and insane asylum escapees into the country if they have an impressive net worth.

Ranking Every Plush I Own By How Much I Regret Its Purchase

Am I someone who has a lot of shame? Does the Pope shit in the woods? The answer is, not unless he’s camping. Still, as for me no I am not someone with a lot of shame. But I do occasionally feel regret because something doesn’t go my way or I feel as if I’ve wasted my money. That’s why I felt it was a good use of my time to rank all of the plush toys I own by how much I regret their purchase.

5. Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth

I have no regrets over purchasing these two plushies. Phoenix and Edgeworth are wonderful foils for each other and the Ace Attorney series is something that every gamer should experience in their life. My only question is, who keep positioning Edgeworth in a compromising position behind Phoenix? It’s weird because I live alone so I don’t know how it happens, and I wouldn’t have guessed that Phoenix would be the bottom. Great plushies though.

4. Morty Smith

Here’s where I start to feel some regret. Not a lot, but some. Ricky and Morty I will maintain is a great show. It’s funny, acerbic, and well animated. You might think that my embarrassment stems from being associated with its toxic fanbase, however, that is not the case. I’m personally very toxic and I was definitely throwing a fit at McDonald’s when I didn’t get my goddamn Szechuan sauce I ordered. I enjoy being the problem. No, I just regret that it’s got a voice chip with Justin Roiland’s voice and it randomly screams during the night.

3. Richard Nixon

I originally thought it was kind of kitschy and cool to have a plushy of Richard Nixon. Except it’s a total boner killer any time I’m trying to pleasure myself and I see a long nosed dick staring me in the face grinning. And what if I did ever get a girl to come home with me? That plush certainly won’t be bringing any water to her gates if you know what I mean. Not a great purchase. Might need to get a Gerald Ford plushy to pardon me for this decision.

2. Pikachu

I’m not embarrassed to have a Pikachu plushy. I regretted buying it because I found a note stuffed inside from the imprisoned Uyghur person in China who made it crying for help. I mean I know there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism but this is especially unethical. Still, those slaves sure know how to make a high quality plush!

1. Kanye Graduation Bear

There’s many reasons to regret this purchase. I mean Kanye is a manipulative, narcissistic, sociopathic abuser who constantly spews antisemitic garbage, but it goes deeper than that. My biggest regret is that when I bought it in 2010 I put a cowboy hat on the plush and called it “Kanye Diddy” as a play on Conway Twitty and Diddy. Like I’m pretty sure I’m on a watchlist now just for owning this thing and honestly I think I deserve to be.

Habeas Corpus and Other Incantations Hidden in the U.S. Constitution

Unbeknownst to the god-fearing, wooden toothed authors of the Constitution, the Latin influenced verbiage of the American bible is littered with curses and spells from ancient times. If this black magic falls into the wrong hands, chaos will reign—so naturally, here is an internet list of all the incantations hidden in the Constitution. 

Habeas Corpus

While some Directors of Homeland Security falsely believe habeas corpus is the Presidential right to deport anyone he wants, the Latin phrases true origin dates back the the necromancers of old. Huddled around a shallow grave, witches and wizards would chant “Habeas Corpus” in an attempt to reanimate the corpses of their beloved kings and queens.  

Enumeration

With a flick of the wrist and twist on a wand, “Enumeration” will multiply anything you want. Whether it be stone cold murderers, or escaped insane asylum maniacs, there’s gotta be some explanation how they keep upping the number of illegal immigrants. 

Concurrence

One of the longest used incantations in modern politics, “Concurrence” is a spell that veils one’s words in mundane nomenclature that will make the eyes of any undecided voter glaze over. Perfect for filibusters and town halls. 

Ex Post Facto

Fake News wouldn’t exist without “Ex Post Facto.” Trump and his entire Cabinet mutter this spell under their breath anytime they speak in public. “Ex Post Facto” can make any bullshitter sound like the most confident person on earth. 

Quorum

A judicial incantation, this type of magic only works with a precise bang of the gavel. 

Adjournment

This fantastical bit of magic allows elected Representatives to recess from Congress several times a year while having that session of Congress stay open, sometimes for months. 

Pro Tempore

Also known asPro Tempura, is less a magic spell and more a skill. Occurring when lobbyists treat lawmakers to high-end sushi and Japanese cuisine, while planting seeds of misinformation about their global conglomerate’s ecological footprint. 

Emolument

This old magic is a medieval spell of annulment, when kings and queens would invalidate their holy bond to bang whomever they choose without the judging wrath of God sending them to hell. Donald Trump and Melania have a similar agreement. 

Veto

I bet you didn’t know the almighty power wielded by the President was rooted in sorcery. 

Erazure

Kids today call this ‘disappearing,’ Erasure is a curse cast upon ICE agents that allows them to kidnap anyone they choose into unmarked vehicles. 

Bear Arms

Misinterpreted to firearms, the right to Bear Arms originated in a Arthurian legend where Merlin grants Knights of the Round Table literal arms of a bear to defend Camelot.

Intoxicating Liquors

Witchcraft and wizardry goes far beyond spells and charms, Intoxicating Liquids include magic potions, the only liquid that stayed banned after the repeal of Prohibition in 1933. 

Yeas And Nays

Legend says, when the seats of a bipartisan House are equal, the Yeas and Nays are the most magical words that can come out of a Representatives mouth.

Erection Of Forts

A spell of immediate shelter, this enchanting hex has an arousing side effect. Larry David revealed this was the inspiration for the iconic Curb joke–The Pants Tent. 

Craig Mazin Doesn’t Believe Ms. Pac-Man Capable of Eating Hostile Ghosts

LOS ANGELES — Hot off his work on Borderlands and the latest season of HBO’s The Last of Us, writer-director, Craig Mazin, has been tapped to pen a film adaptation of the arcade classic, Ms. Pac-Man. Mazin, who recently promised he was done with game adaptations, backtracked on that promise days later, after Bandai Namco offered him a duffle bag filled with cash to bring gaming’s first heroine to the big screen. Mazin confirmed the hiring on this week’s Scriptnotes while also discussing some of his concerns with adapting the game. 

“In the game, Ms. Pac-Man eats Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Sue in rapid succession,” Mazin said before reminding everyone that he wrote Identity Thief for some reason. “For a movie, this would be near impossible from a character standpoint. Blinky, who we recently cast Jason Momoa to play, is 6’4”. There’s no physical way Ms. Pac-Man could take him down, along with the other ghosts back-to-back, especially after eating all the food and pellets on the board.”

Pondering over the source material, Mazin continued to list off changes he would need to consider while working on the adaptation.

“The ghosts are set up as the bad guys, but when Ms. Pac-Man eats the power pellet, they run in fear,” Mazin said before breaking into a semi-related anecdote to namedrop a famous friend. “I want to explore that dynamic. Everyone’s a hero in their own story. I want to follow Blinky and see why they’re so afraid of Ms. Pac-Man and why the power pellet makes them edible.”

There has not been much backlash to the announcement, since most gamers who were around for the original release of Ms. Pac-Man in 1982 have died. But gamers will be gamers, and a vocal minority has taken to various corners of the web to complain about the upcoming adaptation.

“Mazin is totally going to ruin this. I’ll still watch it, but I’m not going to enjoy it,” wrote Twitter user @PAC4LYFE.

“I’m easy to please, and this news does not please me,” wrote @EatMyAssMsPacMan.

“Honestly, he could make the greatest movie ever and I’d still find a way to be mad,” said @JustAnHonestJerk.

At press time Mazin speculated that he may need an additional film to do Ms. Pac-Man justice. 

Boss’s Slack Profile Picture Goku

GREENSBORO, N.C. — Sources confirmed Monday that Chad Cassidy, the executive responsible for all hiring, firing, and salary decisions at local software firm EV Solutions, has used a low-res PNG of Goku as his Slack profile picture for seven years.

“He laid off fourteen people last week and the message came directly adjacent to a still of Super Saiyan 3 Goku with lightning coming out of his hair,” said former senior developer Amy Splechter, adding that the small circular image of the Dragon Ball Z protagonist’s third-tier transformation hovered a fraction of an inch from a bulleted list of names being let go effective immediately. “It’s hard to process losing your livelihood while making eye contact with an anime character.”

Remote employee Jon Jennings spoke about the dynamic created by Cassidy’s decision to represent himself exclusively through the warrior formerly known as Kakarot.

“I’ve never actually seen my boss’s face. For all I know, he is Goku,” said product designer Jon Jennings, explaining that the avatar of the Saiyan’s intensely focused battle stare is the singular facial point of reference associated with Cassidy on all platforms across the company. “And honestly I’d rather work for Goku than some schmuck in khakis.”

Cassidy responded to questions about the image during a routine company meeting.

“It was probably the only picture I had on my laptop at the time. I haven’t really thought about it until now,” explained Cassidy, noting that he hasn’t gotten around to changing it yet and “didn’t realize anyone gave a shit”. “I figured people know I’m not Goku. Does this really matter?”

At press time, Cassidy updated his profile picture to a smiling selfie with his dog, prompting the company’s entire staff to resign.