Duke Nukem Finds His New Pentagon Job Boring

Posted on by Matt Youngspruce

WASHINGTON — One time celebrated national hero and babe-save, Duke Nukem was recently appointed to the Pentagon by President Donald Trump. Unfortunately, according to sources, Duke is finding his new job dull and unfulfilling.

“All I do is chew bubblegum, really. That’s all I do. There’s nothing. No explosions, no babes, no extraterrestrials. It’s all a big hoax. I’m just sitting here until I eventually point the Devastator at myself. If it even shoots anymore. This sucks. My face, my ass… what’s the difference?” says Duke.

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth sees things differently.

“We hired Duke for his extensive curriculum vitae and his übermensch abilities to work under stress. We’re sad Duke thinks there’s no work to do when there clearly is. We’re going to send Duke to Moscow so we can expand our empire there. Make Russia great again!”

Office cleaner Jacob McStoney, who’s been cleaning offices at the Pentagon for over 20 years, is baffled, to say the least.

“Okay dude, after Trump became president, this place turned into a circus, man. We’ve got all these weird clowns coming in and out, making a mess and Duke is the saddest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. The man just sits at his desk and chews bubblegum all day. He’s got the thousand-yard stare. The spark is gone. I wish this nightmare would end soon. This job used to rule. Now I spend most of my day scraping Duke’s chewed gum off the office floor. I’m behind schedule and probably gonna get fired soon. Thanks a lot, Trump.”

At press time, Duke’s desk was empty, with only a single Post-it note left behind. It read, “Eat shit and die.”

Is Gears of War the Next Sonic? The Pregnant Marcus Fenix I Just Drew Thinks So

Posted on by Nick Coffman

Xbox gamers upset over Gears of War leaping over to the PlayStation, I come to soothe your pain. Forget the fact that more people are going to enjoy an updated version of the original. The end of Gear’s console exclusivity puts Marcus, Dom, and the rest of Cog in the good company of Sega and Sonic the Hedgehog. Don’t believe me? Look at this pregnant Marcus Fenix I just drew.

The floodgates are open. The entire series is going to find its way to the PlayStation (and maybe even Switch 2). Don’t let that distract you from the fact that you need to be creating your own headcanon from this point forward. Pregnant Marcus Fenix is just the start. Imagine a world with Twink Baird, Corpser X Brumak, and a gender-swapped General RAAM. Now stop imagining and go out and make those and so much more a reality.

Do you know how many members there are of the Carmine family? Now the world will never know cause we’re going to create so many Carmines that serve as fan implants. Harold Carmine is a simple farmer on Sera that just wants to care for his crops and cut down trees on his farm. When a giant worm kills his favorite cousin, he sets out to avenge Benjamin by taking out as many Locusts as he can. In the midst of revenge, he finds an impossible love with a Ticker that can’t explode. Caught between the Cog and the Locusts, they go into hiding, to keep the flame of their love alive. Is Harold Carmine real, you ask? Guess you’ll have to do some research.

After we hit them with piles of art and fan fiction then Gear’s transformation into Sonic will enter its final phase. Blockbuster movies. Imagine that first trailer. We all hate it and take to the internet to bully Microsoft and Netflix into changing what we don’t like about it. Then the unthinkable happens. They fold and give into our crazy demands. Leading to three massively successful movies.

This could be our future. So, you can wine into the void about PlayStation gamers getting to play a twenty-year-old game or you can pick up a goddamn pencil and start the Gears of War Renaissance.

Trump Orders Feds to Reopen Raccoon City Police Department

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — Just days after his pledge to resurrect the defunct prison, Alcatraz, President Donald Trump has demanded the doors of the zombie-infested RPD to open to the public once again, our sources confirm.

“It’s been far too long since that hoax of a t-virus outbreak that was very minor and very insignificant compared to the China flu that I eradicated on day one,” said the President during an Oval Office press conference regarding updates on the ongoing trade war. “The great people of Raccoon City want to see the golden unicorn statue and slide down the marble staircase railings, and the low IQ Democrats don’t want that to happen, it’s sick and wrong!”

The President’s recent fixation on the shuttered police department came after being informed of a similar t-virus outbreak in Spain, originating in the Las Plagas parasite, stealing the United States claim to the zombie-making disease.

“The superior t-virus is a medical marvel that originated right here in the USA. The Umbreller Corporation, who have the biggest brains in pharmaceuticals, are doing a great job containing any outbreaks,” he said in response to a question regarding the timetable for the Epstein flight logs release. “It’s a great virus, it really is, we pumped Fetterman up with the stuff and he’s doing great, isn’t he folks?”

The RPD, which has been boarded-up since 1998, was at the epicenter of a t-virus outbreak that mutated tens of thousands of Americans into animated corpses. It has been labeled a biohazard and condemned, only evading complete destruction in hopes to contain any zombies that may still wander the halls.

In a recent post on Truth Social Trump wrote, ““For too long, America has been plagued by vicious, violent, and repeat MONSTERS, the dregs of society, who roam our streets and will never contribute anything other than Misery and Suffering. Closing the RPD was one of the WORST decisions made by the Radical Left Lunatics who want these zombies EATING YOUR PETS and DOGS.”

At press time, the President revealed that “Mr. X, big guy, strong guy, with tears in his eyes, approached me begging for the RPD to let tasty sacks of flesh back into his domain”.

Donald Trump Reverses All Tariffs After Playing Age of Empires IV on Xbox Game Pass

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — U.S. President Donald Trump decided to reverse all tariffs he had announced earlier this year after he downloaded and played real-time strategy game Age of Empires IV on Xbox Game Pass, sources report.

“I learned a lot about trade from playing this game, maybe the most anyone has ever learned,” Trump told reporters. “While playing as the French in the Feudal Age, I’ve noticed that I can replace my gold return from trade with food. This got me to second-guess these sweeping tariffs. What was I thinking imposing them on places like Central America and Indonesia? Are we suddenly going to start growing bananas and coffee domestically? That’s absurd. I’d like to apologize to the American people and announce that I’m hereby voiding all tariffs, which is probably the greatest decision by any president since my decision to implement them in the first place. I’d also like to thank Age of Empires IV for the important lesson.”

Soybean farmer Henry Bornek reacted to the reversal.

“I mean, it’s great that he finally stopped this nonsense,” Bornek reported. “I just wish he had played that game sooner so it wouldn’t damage our relationships with our trading partners. I was financially devastated from the retaliatory tariffs that predictably came from China after Trump made his announcement, and now I’m going to be in competition with farmers in Brazil going forward as we’re seen as less dependable allies. To say I regret my vote is probably the understatement of the century.”

Political scientist Gemma Dobrinik provided her expertise on the matter.

“You’d be surprised how video games influence presidential decisions,” Dobrinik offered. “Barack Obama got the idea for the Affordable Care Act after seeing how convenient and affordable hospital visits were in Grand Theft Auto, and George W. Bush learned about using the military to end supposed terrorism from Counter-Strike. It’s definitely a mixed bag, so we’re just lucky that our current president was inspired by a video game to do something positive.”

At press time, Trump was weighing whether to halt all space exploration after playing Metroid Dread for Nintendo Switch.

Lego Star Wars Andor DLC to Feature Genocide Rendered with Colourful Bricks

Posted on by Sean Fallon

LOS ANGELES — The popularity of Andor has led Lego to add a DLC to Lego Star Wars featuring the show’s many massacres and war crimes rendered with colourful bricks.

“We’re huge fans of Andor,” revealed Thomas Enright, lead developer of Lego Star Wars. “And we knew players would love to immerse themselves in the massacre of the peaceful Ghormans and hear the familiar breaking bricks sound when innocent civilians are murdered in the streets by an out of control fascist regime. Players will control Andor as he makes his way through the massacre, trying to keep his health up as he loses his faith in humanity. Also you can choose to play as Jar Jar Binks.”

Some fans have argued that including the DLC trivializes the events of the Emmy-nominated show.

“It’s genocide, at the end of the day,” said Owen Cook, standing outside of Lego headquarters. “It is disgraceful what’s happening and to not acknowledge what’s happening while making excuses and trying to silence those voices raised against it is offensive. But then to try and smooth it over with a Lego depiction cheapens the plight of the Gazan people. Wait, Star Wars? What are you talking about?”

Tony Gilroy, Oscar-nominated showrunner, welcomes the DLC.

“Whatever, man,” said Gilroy, a self-professed Star Wars newbie. “Once this is done, I’m out. I’ve made the best piece of Star Wars since The Last Jedi, and I’m ready to bounce. Dave Filoni can go back to smashing his action figures together while I go back to making Oscar winning movies. Peace.”

At press time, the Order 66 DLC is delayed as developers struggle to accurately depict the murder of children.

We Added a Lightsaber Fight To Every Scene In “Andor” Season 2

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

Everyone’s been talking about the second season of Tony Gilroy’s “Andor”, the show which proved once again that something can be related to Star Wars and be good at the same time. But there’s still something missing for all of us true Star Wars fans out there. We don’t care about “dialogue” that “pushes the plot forward” or “causes viewers to think about weighty themes like sacrifice and authoritarianism”. We don’t care about what it took to get the Rebellion to take off, all of the lives on the line in the absence of the Jedi and the boots-on-the-ground missions that built the backbone of resistance against the Galactic Empire. No, for us, Star Wars is about one thing and one thing only: lightsaber duels. We need big colorful lines to go swoosh and fwoom across our TV screens. As such, we’ve decided to make season two of “Andor” much better by digitally adding a lightsaber fight to every single scene.

Let’s give an example: in season two episode two, there’s a tension-filled scene in which Imperial officers and stormtroopers are about to discover Cassian Andor’s friends Bix, Wil and Brasso hiding out on the agricultural planet of Mina-Rau without visas. It’s a timely scene with parallels to real-world events, but it’s also BORING! How sick would it be if all of a sudden, the camera pans over and we discover that Cal Kestis is clashing sabers with the Fifth Brother or something over in a field of grain? Now THAT’S more like it! We added this scene to make everything feel a little more “Star Wars”.

Another lightsaber fight we added happens when Imperial stooge Syril Karn is visiting his mother on Coruscant. Sure, it’s a scene that emphasizes how abusive parenting imprints on future generations, but what if we shift outside the apartment and a lightsaber fight was happening in the lower levels of the planet between Ahsoka Tano and…wait for it…Starkiller himself. This would be an awesome way to make “The Force Unleashed” canon again and completely shake up the universe in a new way. Plus, the way Starkiller holds his sabers in reverse grip is just so freaking badass.

Just to hammer the point home, how ‘bout this: everyone loved the Darth Vader hallway scene in “Rogue One”, which also has Cassian Andor in it. So instead of snoozefest ISB meetings where fascist vultures choose exactly how to scar the galaxy and disrupt lives, we have scenes of Vader on Mustafar just swinging his way through armies of rebel fighters, with no dialogue whatsoever. That’s what this series has always been about!

With these changes and more, “Andor” can finally be great again. Politics of the empire? Imperialism? War? These things don’t really matter in the face of a sick-ass fight with laser swords. Hopefully, more lightsabers will improve your viewing experience of season two!

Kind of Weird: Silent Hill’s Red Robin Still Fully Operational

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SILENT HILL — Notorious ghost town Silent Hill contained a fully operational location of popular burger chain restaurant Red Robin, puzzled sources report.

“People tend to be surprised when they come across our establishment,” manager Todd Morgan said. “But I’ll tell you what’s not surprising: the consistent quality and competitive prices they get the second they walk in. This is a place that offers not just a great meal, but a complete experience that goes far beyond thick, juicy burgers and delicious fries. There’s a reason we’ve always got a full house here, and it’s not just because the Happy Burger closed after its owner was devoured by a Lying Figure.”

Silent Hill visitor James Sunderland was not expecting to see an active Red Robin in his journey through the town.

“Yeah, I really didn’t think I’d come upon a Red Robin,” Sunderland admitted. “I’ve got to admit, though, that I was happy that I did. It’s hungry work being plagued by living manifestations of my own guilt as I’m searching for my deceased wife, and it felt really good to relax and order a Jalapeño Heatwave Burger and a Mango Passion Lemonade. I’ve been feeling pretty down ever since this lady Maria I just met was killed by a jacked monster with a huge knife, so this is just the boost I need before I go back out there and get tortured by my own demons again.”

Economist Ernesto Wiggum weighed in on the situation.

“This is the least surprising thing I’ve heard all day,” Wiggum offered. “American corporations are the most craven institutions on the planet, so of course they’re not above opening locations in gutted communities from horror games. Have you not seen the Subway in Raccoon City? Or the Dollar General in the Boston QZ in The Last of Us? Horrifying towns where we’re haunted by bloodthirsty monsters used to at least be a reprieve from the capitalistic hell we all occupy, but unfortunately that’s no longer the case.”

At press time, Red Robin was offering endless fries to all Bubble Head Nurses to thank them for their service.

HBO Greenlights Crossover Event “The Last Week Tonight of Us”

Posted on by Garry Kerls

NEW YORK — In an attempt to synergize their Sunday night programming, the Home Box Office network has greenlit a “Talking Dead” style recap show hosted by Last Week Tonight host, John Oliver, our sources confirm.

“We’re excited to announce the combination of two of our most popular programs,” said HBO CEO Casey Bloys during a The Last of Us season 2 press conference. “We thought, ‘why keep producing original content when we could just squish two already successful things together?’ It just makes sense.”

The new Last of Us post-show taps comedian John Oliver to host a 30-minute info dump on the scientific intricacies of fungal networks, the history of militia in times of revolution, and silly tangents about what a hunk Pedro Pascal is.

“I guess Chris Hardwick was busy, or maybe he got cancelled, I don’t really know,” said Oliver in an interview with Access Hollywood. “I’m just happy I get to sit behind a desk and lecture at the audience, it’s pretty much the only thing I can get hired for nowadays.”

The show’s conception was motivated by an increase of Google and Youtube searches requesting explanations, synopses, and recaps about The Last of Us season one.  HBO executives found their audience leaving their platform to seek out information that the video games hide in NPC conversations and collectable artifacts. 

“It’s your one-stop-shop for all things The Last of Us,” said the show’s producer Benjamin McNally. “Whether you want to know what CDs Joel has in his glove compartment, or what the backstory of that giraffe is, we’ve got it all on The Last Week Tonight of Us!”

At press time, the show’s set has been revealed to be identical to the Last Week Tonight set with the only differences being the background city skyline is in flames, and the audience is full of clickers. 

Civ VII Disables Warmonger Penalties When Playing as Israel

Posted on by Nick Lundquist

BALTIMORE — Following a recent patch to “Civilization VII,” Firaxis Games has confirmed that they have disabled all warmonger penalties when playing as Israel. 

“We strive for realism,” said Creative Director Ed Beach while interviewed on the street without warning. “Our approach to turn-based strategy games is to reflect every nation’s trademark culture and attributes. For France, you can build the Eiffel Tower. For Israel, you can drop white phosphorus on a hospital without the United States getting mad.”

Designers at Firaxis have reportedly spent months developing the unique units, buildings, civics, and buffs of the Israeli civilization without breaking the game’s meta.

“We had to jump through some hoops on this one, that’s for sure,” said Game Designer Joe Weinhoffer in a candid interrogation. “Israel is unique in our lineup in that it doesn’t follow practically any of the rules, laws, regulations, expectations, morals, or restrictions of our other more modern civilizations. So, we baked that into their core gameplay! For example, their unique unit ‘20-Year-Old IDF Soldier’ is extremely effective against civilians.”

Gamers have unsurprisingly mixed opinions about the update, with many voicing both support and condemnations regarding the controversial civilizations addition.

“I want to start by saying that I am NOT antisemitic,” said clearly antisemitic Civilization player Brianna Fineman. “I just don’t think that it’s cool that people can play as Israel and commit war crimes and stuff. I mean, I know all the civs in this game committed war crimes at some point, but most of those happened a while ago…so that’s fine I guess” 

At press time, Firaxis has already announced another patch that will tweak Israel’s ability to break ceasefires without waiting for a cooldown.

Trump Issues 100% Tariffs on All Fuckable Popcorn Buckets Not Made in USA

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump promised on Sunday to increase tariffs on all foreign made popcorn buckets that can double as a sex toy. 

“The Movie Industry in America is DYING a very fast and flaccid death,” said the President in a long and rambling post on Truth Social over the weekend. “Other Countries are offering all sorts of incentives to draw our VERY FERTILE men into theaters with silicone popcorn bucket toppers that are TOO SMALL for the average American man.”

The post was sent out on Truth Social only minutes after the President exited a matinee screening of Denis Villeneuve’s “Dune: Part 2.”

“He’s a year late but still demanded all the toys, cardboard cut-outs, and popcorn buckets from the film’s release,” said a White House movie theater attendee who makes slightly less than minimum wage. “He also demanded we complain about the 2024 ‘Biden economy’ and how he’s the reason movies like this won’t succeed anymore.”

Trump’s fixation with the film industry came only days after his remarks at a White House press briefing regarding an expected doll shortage for the spoiled little girls of America. 

“It’s difficult for the President to grasp complex socio-political topics, so we break it down to him in terms he can understand,” said the President’s Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles. “Toys, movies, pencils, sharks, windmills, and tattoos are just a few of the terms President Trump gravitates towards. He’s got a big, beautiful brain capable of so much, we are so lucky.”

The fuckable popcorn bucket industry, which is based primarily in China, welcomed the 100% tariff as it is 145% less than the nationwide tariff promise Trump made just a few weeks earlier. 

“The viral sensation of the Dune popcorn bucket is too profitable not to eat this insane price hike,” said AMC CEO Adam Aron. “We come to this place for magic, we come to AMC theaters to laugh, to cry, and to stick our penises into a buttery pocket pussy sold at the concessions counter.”

At press time, President Trump had commissioned Elon Musk to have Tesla pioneer an American made alternative to the popcorn bucket that can be used in all of his computer cars.