‘Peacemaker’ Fan Prepares for Season 2 by Having White Nationalist Dad

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

LEWISTOWN, Pa. — Local superhero enthusiast and ‘Peacemaker’ fan Trevor Plainview is preparing for the second season of the hit James Gunn show by simply being the son of a white supremacist, per multiple reports. 

“You know, in most ways, having a white nationalist dad really sucks on the day-to-day”, Plainview stated to press. “But in this one, specific way, it’s kinda cool, because it means I can relate to John Cena’s character, Chris Smith, whose dad is a raging racist and member of the Klan. Feels like my struggle and his struggle are pretty similar, you know? He has a dad who’s a supervillain called White Dragon, and I have a dad who hung a Confederate flag on the living room wall even though we live in a Union state. He gets all cagey whenever you ask him about it.” 

When approached for comment, Plainview’s father John had the following to say: 

“What? Peace-bringer? Never heard of that, and couldn’t care less what the damn boy’s up to up there all day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a, uh…a meeting with a few good buddies. I really gotta go. …Is this gonna be on the local news?” 

Nathan Summers, a lifelong friend of Plainview and a fellow Comic-Con attendee, also drew the connection between his pal and the titular character of the popular series. 

“Ok, so if Trevor’s Peacemaker, then I guess that makes me Vigilante,” Summers offered via interview. “And he’s definitely Peacemaker. That dad of his is a piece of work, let me tell you. One time in the third grade, the two of us came home with our friend Andrew, who’s half Korean, and Mr. Plainview asked him if he spoke English when he walked into the house. Then he was eyeing us the whole time through the sliding screen door while the three of us played outside, and told Trevor not to bring him around again afterwards. So yeah, I can definitely see how Trevor relates to the show a lot. I think he really enjoyed it when the dad got killed in season one.” 

At press time, Plainview was seen donning a Peacemaker costume and seemingly attempting to use its helmet to incinerate his father while he was watching an episode of Duck Dynasty. 

Weapons (2025) Wikipedia Plot Summary Review (Guest Column By Guy Too Scared to Watch It)

Posted on by Garry Kerls

Weapons, from Director Zach Cregger (The Whitest Kids U’ Know), starring Josh Brolin (Marvel’s The Avengers Post Credit Scenes), has stunned the box office this past week, leaving audiences spooked and critics impressed. At least that’s what I hear, because this film critic’s severe phobia of anything creepy, scary, and otherwise unsettling, has kept me away from the movies. However, my want to stay relevant coupled with chronic FOMO has resulted in the following comprehensive review of the Wikipedia plot synopsis for Weapons (2025).

The film’s hook revolves around the disappearance of a local third grade class. One night, at exactly 2:17 A.M., all but one student suddenly ran out of their homes–arms akimbo–and disappeared into the night, a scene that would most definitely give me nightmares if I saw it.

Two months after that incident, the teacher of the class (Julia Garner) and a father of one of the missing children (Josh Brolin), begin their own investigations into the strange event. Along with the final remaining child, Alex Lilly (Cary Christopher), the narrative of the film jumps from one character’s perspective to another, a directing style that would’ve made my brain hurt if I hadn’t been reading the plot on my phone.

We soon learn from Alex’s perspective that his parents, along with the rest of his third grade class, have been bewitched by his great-aunt Gladys. Gladys is a dying witch who uses her witch-powers to control people, a sentence that reads much sillier than the film seems to let on.

At this point in my reading I sighed a sigh of relief knowing I would never have to look at Gladys’ seemingly hideous mug. Her description is chilling and I curse my brain for even attempting to imagine what she looks like.

In the end, however, it’s teamwork that makes the dreamwork. The adults eventually figure out that the single remaining child may actually have something to do with the disappearances, and after a final fight sequence, Gladys meets her demise at the hands of the children she cursed. A stomach curdling rabbit-hole search into dismemberment put the final bow on my experience with Weapons (2025), and I couldn’t be happier it’s over. 5 stars!

Bethesda Remasters Elder Scrolls VI Announcement Trailer for Original Trailer’s Seven Year Anniversary

Posted on by Kate Danvers

BETHESDA, Md. — Bethesda Game Studios director and executive producer Todd Howard unveiled The Elder Scrolls VI Announcement Trailer: Remastered during a showcase of the company’s upcoming projects, sources confirm. 

“We want to take you back to that moment at E3 in 2018,” Howard said during his keynote speech, “we want to put you in the seat of a games journalist, fan, or YouTube reactor seeing the trailer for the first time. To watch the camera soar over that non-descript mountain range as the title appears. If we can rekindle the same feelings you had on that day, then I think we’ve succeeded as artists.” 

The audience cheered as the thirty second trailer came to a close. One attendee, Grant Carter, saw it as an opportunity to connect with his son. 

“Dylan wasn’t even born yet when the original announcement trailer released,” Carter said, shedding a single tear, “now that he’s seven, I get to share the experience of watching that announcement for the first time. I can’t wait to see his jaw drop as he realizes what he’s seeing. If he’s anything like his old man, he’ll be yelling about how epic it looks.” 

Others in attendance were more skeptical, expressing disappointment in the trailer’s scope, suggesting the original trailer could be remastered into an actual game.

“That’s great and all, but Bethesda is ignoring their core fanbase,” said Brent Graham, a longtime fan of the series. “Why hasn’t Morrowind’s trailer gotten a remaster in all these years? They knew how to make promotional material back then. In my mind, it shouldn’t even count as a trailer unless it has a dozen quotes from niche gaming websites and magazines ranking the game against everything else they saw at E3 that year.”

At press time, Bethesda still hadn’t given a release date for The Elder Scrolls VI, but promised they’re hard at work on the game while they wait for another generation of consoles to release Skyrim on.

Trump Claims Epstein Files Were Deleted at Insistence of Payment Processors

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

WASHINGTON — President Trump announced that Mastercard and Visa had pressured his administration to remove objectionable content from all government archives, including all documents relating to the investigation and prosecution of Jeffrey Epstein, sources confirm.

“The Epstein files, which are a Democrat HOAX, have been destroyed at the direction of several wonderful payment processors, including Mastercard and Visa,” President Trump declared on his Truth social network. “They’re saying there was bad stuff in the files, nasty stuff, probably about the Clintons and the Biden Crime Family. You wouldn’t want to see it. We are forever grateful to these GREAT American companies for finally putting an end to this distraction so we can focus on important things, like making up our own economic data and deploying the military against our citizens. Every American should open a credit account with Mastercard to show their appreciation. Thank you for your attention to this matter!”

The administration quickly clarified the president’s comments.

“President Trump would like nothing more than to release these files, which would totally exonerate him,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond the administration’s control, we were forced to destroy any and all material related to Jeffrey Epstein. They have found references to illegal sexual content within these files, and have justifiably requested that it be obliterated. America is lucky to have a president who respects the will of our country’s payment processors, who are quite literally the financial backbone of this nation. So unless you want to pay even more at the grocery store, then yeah, we’re going to take their opinion seriously.”

Mastercard issued a soft denial that they were directly responsible for the deletion of the files.

“Mastercard has not evaluated any documents or blocked the release of any files regarding human trafficking, contrary to media reports and allegations,” said Mastercard spokesperson Daniel McMahon in a statement on X. “Our payment network follows standards based on a cowardly form of conservatism. Put simply, our actions are dictated by what we believe puts us least at risk. We listen to religious nutjobs over gamers because we’re more scared of the nutjobs, and we certainly won’t push back too hard against a nascent authoritarian who is blaming us for a scandal that has been dogging him. Either he comes fully into power and appreciates us taking the hit for him, or Democrats manage to regain the presidency and do absolutely nothing to punish us for being snivelling collaborators. There’s no downside.”

At press time, President Trump announced that Mastercard and Visa had identified potentially offensive portions of the United States Constitution, which he said would be flagged for, “immediate removal.”

What Have You Done to Deserve a Silksong Update?

Posted on by Garry Kerls

Perhaps it’s time for Hollow Knight fans to look inward, and ask yourselves the questions that really matter: What have you done to deserve a Silksong update? And what are you willing to do for it?

It’s time to take a long, hard look in the mirror and reflect on your past actions. What has your endless whining and complaining about the length of time the sequel to Hollow Knight is taking done for the greater good of humanity? In what ways have your Reddit posts and Youtube comments about your hatred toward Team Cherry been beneficial in internet discourse?

From my perspective, your attitude during this pre-Silksong era has been inexcusable. Think about the game devs whose moment gets stolen during a Nintendo Direct by “Silksong!?” spam in the chat. A well behaved Hollow Knight community would’ve had an update by now, you’re doing this to yourselves.

A crying toddler screaming over candy will never learn the tough lessons of life by being given what they demand. Why would this be any different? The Hollow Knight fandom’s predictable tantrums thrown after every State of Play and Games Fest should not be rewarded. Patience is a virtue.

By now you’ve made up your mind. Some readers have already closed this tab and moved on to their daily cyberbullying. But not you, you stayed. Congratulations! You’ve taken the first step towards maturity and acceptance.

So hear this, Hollow Knight fans, it’s time to put down the torches and pitchforks, they’ve done more harm than good. Instead why don’t we take a walk in nature, volunteer at a local non-profit, or do literally anything else. There are millions of video games waiting to be played, don’t throw away your precious years waiting for what you think is the right one to come along.

Johnny Cage Resorts To Hosting Alt-Right Podcast After String of Box Office Bombs

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Actor/fighter Jonathan “Johnny Cage” Carlton decided to try his luck with alt-right podcasting following a series of critical and financial failures at the box office, sources report.

“After ‘Cage Match’ lost money, it was time to make a change or go broke,” Cage noted. “Luckily, I knew I could just learn from Kevin Sorbo and say my career woes are because of Hollywood discriminating against Republicans. I’ve since started the ‘Awake, NOT Woke’ podcast, and I’m making more money just going on weekly rants on whatever subject Fox News has boomers angry about at the time I’m recording. I’d rather be acting, but I need to be realistic about funding my lavish lifestyle. These $500 sunglasses aren’t going to buy themselves.”

God of Thunder Raiden reacted to his friend’s decision.

“I can’t believe this is the same Johnny Cage that defeated Goro and helped defend Earthrealm from the Outworld Emperor,” Raiden lamented. “I checked out his podcast, and he and his guest Ted Cruz were whining about some trans kid in Georgia who wanted to play high school volleyball, as if that is something either of them should give a shit about. I’m just going to have to remember him as the guy who sliced the top of Scorpion’s head off with a flaming shield, not the guy who’s currently complaining about how the ‘feminization of America’ is the reason nobody wants to watch his movies anymore.”

Video game sociologist Rebecca Dawes weighed in on the situation.

“Alt-right politics is often seen as an escape chute of sorts for struggling actors,” Dawes mentioned. “The same also applies to video games. For example, Dracula briefly became a conservative political writer after Castlevania 64, and Leon Kennedy famously lobbied against the creation of a T-Virus vaccine to draw attention to himself after Resident Evil Re:Verse. Unfortunately, because of the hellscape we all now inhabit, this is seen as a lucrative career pivot. He’s going to make millions from it.”

At press time, Cage was being criticized by his right-wing contemporaries for saying Donald Trump shouldn’t run for a third term.

Sony Capitalizes on Twisted Metal Show by Continuing to Let Game Series Languish in the Void

Posted on by Matt Fresh

SAN MATEO, Calif. — With the surprisingly good Twisted Metal television adaptation in full swing of its second season, sources inside the company have confirmed that Sony will capitalize on the show’s popularity by letting the games continue to languish in the void.

“We are very pleased with both the quality of the show and its performance,” said Sony Head of Multimedia Beth Copeland. “People all over the world have taken a liking to this world and the characters in it. As more and more people become fans of Twisted Metal we are proud to offer them absolutely no new games in the series to play. That would require us to spend money. We simply have no funds in the budget for games outside of our three current franchises.”

Head of PS Studios Hermen Hulst confirmed that no plans for a new Twisted Metal were in the works but told fans there were still ways to enjoy the series when they finish watching the show.

“We considered it but Todd Howard taught us to just have you play the old ones. We have basically all the old ones on PS Plus Premium. We encourage fans to just subscribe and play those. We don’t see a need to revive an old game franchise just because there is a popular television series currently airing and audience appetite. That would divert resources away from what’s really important to us like making a dozen Horizon games no one asked for and funding whatever ‘both sides of the Israel/Palestine conflict are bad’ allegory Neil Druckmann wants to make next”

Twisted Metal fans were not satisfied with Sony’s rationale for letting the series continue to languish.

“Sure I can go and just play the PS1 games or Black and I definitely will but that doesn’t compare to what a new Twisted Metal would be like. I wanna play as Quiet or Stu. I wanna play online with my friends. They aren’t even doing crossovers with other games. Anthony Mackie is in Fortnite as Captain America but he should be in for this, the same amount of people watch the show as that movie anyway, maybe more.”

At press time, Sony has announced in lieu of a new Twisted Metal game they will be developing a remake of Horizon Forbidden West.

Amazon Experimenting with PTO (Paid Time On)

Posted on by Garry Kerls

SEATTLE — In a massive win for the Amazon Labor Union, Jeff Bezos and Amazon corporate have agreed to begin offering their employees paid time on, our sources confirm.

“This is a huge leap forward on the grounds of warehouse workers rights,” says the Union’s lead defense attorney, Douglass Petersen. “But we’re not going to stop there, next on the list is stainless steel piss bottles, appropriate air circulation, and basic human rights.”

This stunning upset comes at the end of a long and drawn out hearing over litigious disputes made by roughly 40,000 warehouse workers across the US between June and mid-June of this year.

“The job has become mostly filing complaints,” says Seattle native and four year Amazon employee Dana Kulp. “See a cockroach? File a complaint. Slip on a pile of human feces? File a complaint. Find a disembodied finger? File a complaint.”

Outcries against these harsh working conditions have been championed across social media, but many have found it difficult to donate and support the ALU’s mission.

“I tried several times to Google how I can help, but I kept getting emails with a 20% off Amazon coupon and redirected to the Amazon Essentials page,” says former worker’s rights advocate Sabrina Knowels. “They even offered me a sponsorship deal if I deleted my account, and they can help you make a passive income too, just use my code SABS at checkout to learn more.”

At press time, Jeff Bezos has taken a percentage of the newly implemented paid time on as a wedding gift to himself.

Galactus Discreetly Spits Into a Napkin After Taking Bite of Earth

Posted on by Kate Danvers

NEW YORK — Devastation came in the form of an enormous man in a goofy helmet Tuesday afternoon as Galactus, Devourer of Worlds took what he called a ‘tiny nibble’ out of the northern hemisphere of the planet, before spitting into his napkin. 

“My gastroenterologist advised me to take smaller bites because consuming the energy of an entire planet at once was wreaking havoc on my bowels,” said the powerful purple planet-eater. “And it’s a good thing I did, because the taste was rancid. The flavor profile was confusingly both sour and bland. Absolutely dreadful. I hoped no one would notice me spit it out.”

The gigantic entity towering over the planet did not go unnoticed, however, as eyewitnesses across four continents saw the cosmic being make a stank face. Harold Gallagher of Queens watched the entire event unfold. 

“Giant fuck-off cosmic being takes a bite outta everything south of Philly and just spits it out? The Earth ain’t good enough for you?” Gallagher said, seemingly unbothered by the cataclysmic event, “Next time he oughta come to New York for a slice or for some Italian food. Won’t spit that into his dainty little napkin.” 

Some observers wondered why Galactus chose to bit that specific part of the globe, which once contained much of Delaware, Virginia, Maryland, and North Carolina. Doctor Reed Richards, founder of the Fantastic Four and foremost expert on Galactus explained. 

“The only way to divert Galactus away from Earth was to trick him into eating the least palatable part,” Richards explained. “Unfortunately, the size of the bite was still larger than expected. My heart aches for the innocents lost, but their sacrifice has saved our planet.” 

At press time, the President could not be reached for a comment on Doctor Richards’ unilateral decision, as the ruins of the White House now reside within the colossal napkin in Earth’s orbit.

Look, I Just Don’t Think a Feral Monster Born From an Experimental Accident Can Take Down an Entire Tower

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Alright, let me make one thing perfectly clear right off the bat: I am not a conspiracy theorist. You won’t see me declining the COVID vaccine or insisting that the moon landing was directed by Stanley Kubrick, and frankly, I find people like that to be both stupid and insufferable. It’s just that, if I’m completely honest, something about that building collapsing to the ground doesn’t sit right with me. In fact, I just don’t think a feral monster born from an experimental accident can take down an entire tower. Do you see where I’m coming from?

Just look at the buildings themselves, man. They’re built to withstand everything, from inclement weather to an accidental collision with any U.S. Army helicopter that’s trying to shoot down any kaijus bent on destroying an entire city. Do you really think it wouldn’t be able to withstand an oversized gorilla climbing it while repeatedly punching holes in its facade to devour its inhabitants? I’m sorry, man, but if you’re telling me that, you’re definitely drinking the Kool-Aid. I don’t use the term “sheeple” very often, but you’re not really leaving me with a choice here.

If that doesn’t sell you, notice the plume of smoke as the green tower collapsed in the San Jose level. See anything strange? That’s right, they’re beginning at the ground level and moving upward. If that’s indicative of anything, it’s a controlled demolition, my dude, and not the result of compromised structural integrity resulting from a gigantic lizard having gutted the building of vital load-bearing supports. I’ve talked to countless civil engineers about this. Trust me—and I haven’t even mentioned the multiple witnesses who reported seeing an army man literally planting the explosive charges at the base of the structure moments before it fell.

And consider the bank in the Sacramento level! It is a documented fact that the owner took out a large insurance policy on the building just three days before Lizzie stormed into the city and attacked it. Doesn’t that strike you as being just the slightest bit suspicious? Everyone knows the poor scientists who mutated into those hideous monsters were set up by the government to drum up public support for a war against the countries that manufactured the chemicals that caused the transformations. It’s only logical that the corporate elite was given fair warning to cover their asses before the shit hit the fan. Come on, get your head out of the sand!

That’s enough, I’m growing tired of trying to convince you of the truth, but you’re definitely going to need to learn how to approach things critically going forward. I’ll tell you about how Raccoon City officials collaborated with Umbrella Corporation to purposely unleash the T-Virus on the masses next time we talk. Prepare to have your mind blown.