So-Called “Sapiosexual” Not Even Turned On by My Encyclopedic Knowledge of Elder Scrolls Lore

Posted on by Steve Packosky

LEXINGTON, Ky. — Tinder date Kyla Erwin showed no discernible sign of arousal at my impressive display of Elder Scrolls knowledge despite being a professed sapiosexual, sources report.

“I definitely am attracted to intelligence,” Erwin said. “However, when I identify as a sapiosexual, I’m referring to things like problem solving skills and a long reading history. I’m not talking about your ability to mindlessly rattle off the ‘nine provinces of Tamriel’ from some video game I’ve never even heard of when the conversation hasn’t even come close to warranting it. Honestly, we had just introduced ourselves when you went into it, and when I asked if this was some Lord of the Rings thing, you snorted like I had told a joke. I’m definitely going to make some clarifications to my Tinder description tonight.”

I had a bone to pick about Erwin’s supposed sapiosexuality.

“I honed in on that part of her description when we matched,” I told reporters. “So I came to Ruby Tuesday ready to discuss my comprehensive understanding of magic, from its origin as raw energy flowing into Aetherius through the sun and stars, to its uses in spellcasting and spellmaking. I didn’t even have a chance to get into it, though, because she said she ‘wasn’t really interested in all of that’ while I was describing the history of the Nords’ use of Thu’um. I’m sorry, but what sapiosexual wouldn’t be into this? If she doesn’t think I’m smart, I can name countless people on r/ElderScrolls who think otherwise.”

Sociologist Gareth Ng has experience with these situations.

“It is true that a large portion of the population is turned on by intelligence,” Ng noted. “However, it’s exceedingly rare that video game knowledge qualifies as such. Comprehensive grasps on literature or mathematics are usually closer to what sapiosexuals like, but gamers struggle to grasp this idea. I recommend they become more acquainted with what their dates are into before meeting in person, if at all possible.”

At press time, I attempted to salvage our date by giving Kyla unsolicited advice on building a powerful deck in Slay the Spire.

School Bully Wouldn’t Be So Tough if This Fight Was Turn-Based

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

EAGLETON, Ohio — Oft-picked-on seventh-grader Zach Leland was heard to say that he could totally take infamous school bully, Trevor Meyer if their confrontations followed a classic turn-based RPG format instead of the current, real-time beatdown system in place on the school playground, skeptical friends report.

“I’m just saying, if we were taking turns and I had time to, you know, consider what command options I wanted to use, I’d wipe the floor with him,” said Zach, who has logged over 300 hours in Persona 5 and claims to have beaten Final Fantasy X without using Phoenix Downs. “Like, imagine I could just scroll down to ‘Counterattack’ or equip my foam sword that I made for Comic-Con. But in real life he just throws me to the ground and starts whiling on me before I even get to equip my hoodie.”

According to eyewitnesses, Trevor likes a more Simultaneous Action system.

“Some might say I am just mashing, but I use strategy. Like when his backpack was still half-zipped, I initiated a surprise strike that was a shoulder shove, hat knock, into a wedgie combo,” Trevor bragged while sitting on Zach’s chest. “I definitely invested all my skill points into Strength and dexterity. My build is all about fast and raw damage output. He’s got, like, one defensive move and that is crying to the teachers. It’s effective in the moment but it’s no way to win.”

Military and RPG Historian Alicia Chen explained that

“These fights tend to last under ten seconds, far too fast for Zach to summon his inner rage-spirit or even activate Block, especially considering his anxiety and low initiative,” Chen explained. “In a turn-based setup, Zach probably would have a bit of an upper hand. He could start with a taunt to lower Trevor’s defense, have time to heal, and if all else fails, pull off a desperation summon: his mom. Some bullies actually do allow a form of turn-based action called ‘I’ll give you one free swing,’ but that is more of a distraction technique.”

At press time, Leland had attempted to pitch the turn-based idea to Meyer, who apparently declined the offer with a surprise punch to the gut.

Ms. Pac-Man “Happily” Embraces The Tradwife Lifestyle

Posted on by Brian Wishart

PAC-LAND — Ms. Pac-Man is back in the spotlight after fans of her video game have discovered her TikTok channel dedicated to promoting a tradwife lifestyle. Many are concerned that her perky demeanor is hiding something sinister in her relationship with her husband, Pac-Man.

“After getting married to Pac-Man we realized that I was much happier taking on a different role around the home,” said Ms. Pac-Man. “He goes out and brings home the white pellets and I get to do laundry and make meals for our seven children: Jr. Pac-Man, Baby Pac-Man, Larry, Donald, Bubba, Kieran and Stephanie. I get to interact with some of the outside world when grocery shopping. The TikTok channel is nice too. My fans really like my videos of me making cherry, strawberry, orange, bell, and key pies. Pac-Man does a great job of letting me know what videos I should make.”

Her husband, Pac-Man, is proud of her decision to stay at home and take on a more traditional housewife role.

“I told her she would never be happy making more money than me,” said Pac-Man. “I told her we would be happier if we returned to traditional values. It is what made Pac-Land strong in the past. Pac-Land was built by women building strong homes while men did the hard work. We are raising our children to have these same beliefs. She is having our eighth kid soon. I hope it is a strong male. We already have little Stephanie to help Ms. Pac-Man with chores.”

In one of her videos where a young woman asks if it is worth giving up independence and career aspirations to take on a purely supporting role to a man Ms. Pac-Man begins to cry.

“I never really wanted to use my Masters degree in kinesiology anyway. I am a lot more fulfilled and happy being married and focusing on gardening and keeping the household tidy for when Pac-Man gets home,” said Ms. Pac-Man. “It took too much effort cooking for my husband, keeping up my appearance, bringing beer for my husband and his friends and having my own opinions on politics. This is just so much easier and happy for all of us. We are both so very happy. I am happy.”

At press time, Ms. Pac-Man has over 700,000 followers on TikTok. Comments on the video where she cries, “How To Ask Your Husband For Permission To Open a Bank Account,” have been locked.

Opinion: Kong Country Will Never Move Past Its Floating Barrel-Based Transit System if We Don’t Invest in Infrastructure

Posted on by Steve Packosky
When I came into office as an elected representative, it was to serve in the best interests of all of my constituents, regardless of whether I had earned their vote. It is my firm belief that this is the best country on the planet, forged through the successful defeat of multiple Kremling invasions, and with our freshly recaptured banana hoard, we can do anything. I stand before you simply to plead that we use our replenished coffers to invest in infrastructure, for we will continue to lag behind the rest of the Kong world if we don’t move beyond our floating barrel-based transit system.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: the floating barrels have served us well over the past several centuries. I agree, but so did swimming, yet this was made infinitely easier through befriending and riding Enguarde the Swordfish, and I know there’s not a single Kong here who would even consider going through Clam City without him. Why then, do we not apply the same forward thinking to our land travels?

If that doesn’t persuade you, please consider this: we had four deaths in Snow Barrel Blast last year. Four. These are Kongs who never again had a chance to hop on Rambi the Rhinoceros’s back or see their children attend Wrinkly’s Kong Kollege. And do you know the worst part of these tragedies? Their deaths were easily preventable, and certainly would never have happened had being shot out of rotating, floating barrels in the middle of a heavy snowfall not been their sole means of conveyance. Shame on all of us for letting this happen.

And I know our mine cart tracks are in a horrible state of disrepair, as they have stood neglected for decades. However, I would venture to posit that, with our banana hoard, we do not need the mines at all, and would benefit from just sealing the entrances. After all, I don’t even know what natural resources we were extracting from the land, much less what we did with them or who we traded them with, and I challenge anyone here to tell me.

So let’s do the practical thing here and focus our attention, and much more importantly, our investment, on building a high-speed rail system throughout the whole of Kong Country. Not only will our children and grandchildren thank us, but King K. Rool will certainly think twice about stealing our bananas once he sees how quickly the Kongs are able to reach Gang-Plank Galleon and foil his vicious and dastardly plans.

Feel Old? This Once Popular Video Game Journalist is Now a Gatekeeper

Posted on by Nick Coffman

DOVER, England. — Long time video game journalist and castle enthusiast, Glen Hubert, has traded in his pen for a bat to take on his new role as a castle gatekeeper.

Hubert confirmed his new role, while talking to rookie journalists he refused to let in during his gate shift at the castle, earlier this week. In that time, Hubert also revealed that he owns a stake in the castle.

“I spent a lot of time in castles previously. It has always been my dream to own one,” Hubert said before threatening to bludgeon a rookie reporter who got too close to the gate. “I would love to let all of you in, but it is just not possible at the moment. It’s a small castle, so things are a bit tight in there. We are also busy cleaning out the dungeon and ranking our favorite meads, so just give us some time to get all that done and then maybe we can fit a few of you in.”

Hubert paced in front of the gate, bat in hand, as he described what it would take to get more people into the castle.

“More money of course, but that doesn’t guarantee any of you will get in either,” Hubert said before opening the gate for a friend who was recently laid off. “I don’t know how any of you would act in a castle. You are certainly not coming in here and acting a fool in our castle. If you want to riff raff, go build your own castle to riff raff in. It’s really easy as long as you have tons of connections from other castles.”

When pressed for how individuals could eventually gain access to a castle, Hubert’s advice left many out in the cold.

“It was never that easy to get into a castle. Back when I was coming up, there were a lot of castles to choose between,” Hubert said before threatening the crowd with his bat again. “There are less castles now and even less opportunities to enter those castles. Plus, anyone who enters any of those remaining legacy castles now, is worse than the scum between my toes. I don’t have a clear cut path for those of you who want to enter a castle, but it shouldn’t be through those other castles, and it isn’t going to be through our castle. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some mead to rank.”

At press time, Hubert returned momentarily to the castle walls to lift a side entrance ladder out of reach of reporters.

32-Year-Old Clair Obscur Fan Can’t Wait to Get Gommaged

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

MILWAUKEE, Wis. — A millennial fan of the hit RPG Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 is eagerly anticipating the upcoming date when she will dissolve into ash and rose petals and utterly cease to exist, sources confirm.

“It’s only a few more months, now,” said Danielle Preston, 32, as she smiled at her calendar. “All these years of toil and strain will burn away and be forgotten. I’m exhausted from seeing things how they are, rather than how I want them to be. I know where my life is going. There’s no secret, happy ending to unlock. It’s all so bleak. If there’s an afterlife, then I’ll see everyone after death. But honestly, I hope there’s not. I’d probably just annoy everybody.”

Preston’s mother, Sandra, said she was concerned by her daughter’s new obsession, but not surprised.

“She’s always been like this,” said the elder Preston as she flipped through a photo album. “When she was very young, she was sure the Power Rangers were going to ask her to join them. Then she spent her adolescence waiting on her letter from Hogwarts. I try not to think about the years she was certain that a vampire and werewolf were going to fight for her affection, but at least that was still on the optimistic side. I can’t imagine why she’s so eager to die, now.”

Aiden Renaud, an expert on the media that millennials have consumed throughout their lives, said that Preston’s experience is shockingly common.

“This is a generation that cannot separate itself from its favorite fiction,” said Renaud, who said the FunkoPop figures adorning his office were purely for research purposes. “They believe they are Jedi. They think Professor Oak is going to give them a Pokemon. They swear that Steven Universe is their friend. Combine that with the dearth of economic opportunity this generation is facing, and it’s no surprise that a property like Clair Obscur would create a pseudo-death cult. In fact, I’d say it was an inevitability.”

At press time, Preston was spending what she believed were her final days on earth collecting rare swimwear.

King of Hyrule Denies Existence of Tingle Client List

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

HYRULE — King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule categorically denied that the government is in possession of a list of clients for notorious human trafficker, Tingle, source confirm.

“What’s going on with my ‘Ritos,’ and, in some cases, ‘Gorons?’” said King Daphnes in a message posted to the Pirates Charm network. “The files you’re asking for never existed! It’s just another Vaati-created hoax like Ganongate and climate change. If you’re so curious about Tingle, maybe you should ask about the Hero of Time, who paid A LOT of Rupees for maps when he was in Termina, which is a TOTAL CRIME!”

One of Tingle’s alleged victims spoke out against the king’s statement.

“I personally witnessed King Daphnes working alongside Tingle to extend his terrible, terrible operation,” said the individual, who requested he only be identified as David. “I was recruited by Ankle and forced to work against my will on Tingle Island for years. I saw everything. They didn’t care, because they didn’t think of me as someone who could possibly hurt them, but I saw them all: Tingle. Daphnes. The Rito Chieftain. Oh, yeah, he might be the biggest liar of them all. I don’t care if he’s half bird; he can definitely sweat.”

Retired Royal Secret Service Officer Impa said the official story didn’t make sense to her.

“We already know that King Daphnes is tied to Tingle,” said Impa. “His name appears several times in Tingle’s flight logs. You see, Tingle allowed many powerful individuals to travel using his private balloon, which was nicknamed ‘The Kokiri Express.’ Sometimes it was just for innocuous travel between Outset and Windfall, but other times it would stop at Tingle Island for days—or even weeks. There’s no public record of what happened there, but I know for a fact that the royal family was in possession of classified material related to the case. For King Daphnes to claim that no further records exist is a demonstrable lie. I wish we could ask Tingle for his side of the story directly, but he was found dead inside his cell in the Forbidden Fortress under mysterious circumstances. Supposedly, the guard who was responsible for shining a spotlight on his cell had been temporarily distracted by a walking barrel.”

At press time, King Daphnes had offered Tingle’s brother and collaborator Ankle immunity in exchange for favorable testimony.

Game Night: Let’s Try to Figure Out What’s Going On In ‘s.p.l.i.t.’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

Mike Klubnika’s s.p.l.i.t. starts with a content warning about self-harm and suicide. After playing through it, that content warning should be in a larger text in brighter colors.

You might remember Mike Klubnika’s name from last year, when he scored a viral hit with Buckshot Roulette, which was a sort of black comedy about shotgun gambling. By comparison, s.p.l.i.t. is a short, inexpensive narrative-driven horror/adventure game built around old-school hacking. It’s a memorable, potentially upsetting experience.

You’re a hacker named Axel who’s seated in front of your computer, speaking with two allies via a text-based chat app. One of them has just arranged for a “field kit” to be delivered to you, and under protest, you’ve agreed to crack it. Everything else about the game – its setting, the year in which it takes place, what’s at stake, what the titular acronym stands for – unfolds over the course of the next 90 minutes.

Most of s.p.l.i.t. is played via Axel’s monitor. Your computers are all running on plain text, on a system that isn’t quite MS-DOS. The challenge is to hunt for passwords, edit configuration files, and sort through directories from the command line, with an occasional speed-typing challenge to represent Axel’s reactions under pressure. There are no mouse controls at all. It’d be pleasantly nostalgic for an earlier era of computing, if the rest of the game wasn’t about slowly intensifying paranoia.

The first hurdle to s.p.l.i.t. is wrapping your head around the computer’s OS, which made me feel slightly foolish for the first 15 minutes. I was supposed to be some sort of underground hacker, or so I thought, but I was using the “help” command the way telegrams use “STOP.” I eventually had to keep handwritten notes to encompass both the commands I needed and the passwords I was searching for.

The second hurdle might be that s.p.l.i.t. never slows down to explain itself. All the details of its short story are delivered in passing, from incidental details in files and conversations between people who already know the stakes. You’re coming in for the last chapter in a long story arc.

It was over almost before I knew it. s.p.l.i.t.’s endings sneak up on you, which is also when it rolls up its sleeves and earns that content warning. It’s not a particularly gory game, but without spoilers, you don’t want to fire this up if you’re already in a bad mental place. The ending is a lot.

s.p.l.i.t.’s last 5 minutes send it off on a bleak note. Other horror games tend to have some built-in breaks in the tension, but the only option you get with s.p.l.i.t. is your ability to turn it off. It reminds me of similarly relentless movies like When Evil Lurks or Martyrs, and if that’s your preferred style or horror, s.p.l.i.t. is a must-see.

It’s probably about as long as it should be, but I did end up with more questions than answers by the end. I also could’ve handled seeing more of its hacking-based investigation puzzles, as by the time I figured out how to navigate Axel’s OS, the game was almost over.

I won’t forget s.p.l.i.t. any time soon, but it doesn’t feel wholly complete. It’s built like a late chapter in a larger story, as if you’d started a trilogy with the last entry in it, and I wouldn’t mind seeing the rest at some point. Taken on its own merits, I’d need to know more about someone before I recommended this to them, but anyone who’s in the mood for some unflinching horror might want to check s.p.l.i.t. out. It’s 60 to 80 minutes of simulated ‘80s hacking that builds up to a truly vicious finale.

[s.p.l.i.t., developed and published by Mike Klubnika, is now available for PC (Windows/Linux) via Steam for $2.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive via a PR representative for Klubnika.]

Continuity Error? This Marvel Character is Pregnant in a Sexless Film Franchise

Posted on by Garry Kerls

HOLLYWOOD — Marvel fans are up in arms after learning the baby between Mr. Fantastic and The Invisible Woman was conceived via intercourse, an act that was strictly forbidden in the MCU up until now, our sources confirm.

“I don’t know what that sick freak Kevin Feige is up to,” says one Marvel fan after watching the most recent MCU film The Fantastic Four: First Steps. “But the idea of two physically fit and attractive actors having sexual relations as characters from my beloved comic books is vile and wrong.”

Without spoiling the MCU’s most recent entry, the public relations team for the film has been hard at work doing damage control across social media.

“The MCU Multiverse is vast and expansive,” said head of Marvel PR Janice Copper to an angry mob outside of the company’s Burbank location. “FF:FS takes place in a universe where sex isn’t just a normal occurrence, but the ideal way to reproduce, something Earth 616 is not accustomed to.”

This mass hysteria has even made its way to the lead actors of the film, who were bombarded with questions this past weekend at the premiere’s red carpet event.

“Aren’t these the same fans who wanted Ant-Man to go up Thanos’ butt?” said Pedro Pascal to a reporter for IGN. “Marvel fans need to expand their horizons and watch more sexual cinema. Something like Y tu mamá también might scar them for life, maybe start with When Harry Met Sally.”

Even Kevin Feige himself has had to face the criticism and defend the creative choices of his writers.

“It was a decision that we grappled with for weeks. If a baby is in the picture, sex is implied, and that’s a big Marvel no no,” he said during a roundtable last week promoting the film. “The only other time we implied sex is when Deadpool gets pegged, and everyone seemed to love that! But this? Not so much.”

At press time, MCU fans have forgotten whatever they were mad about after seeing Silver Surfer and having a whole new thing to bitch about.

Hulk Hogan Dead at 71 After Long Battle with the Truth

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

Professional wrestler and famed storyteller Hulk Hogan passed away today at 71, finally losing a lifelong battle with the truth.

Hogan was infamous for his colorful and often impossible storytelling. Throughout his legendary wrestling career, he claimed responsibility for inventing leg drops, the color yellow, and the United States of America, for which he was awarded the Snopes Lie-time Achievement Award. Hogan also once stated he was the inspiration behind Shakespeare’s Hamlet, despite being born centuries after its first production; this was never disproven, primarily because no one bothered checking.

During his later years, Hogan’s tales became even more eccentric. In one widely circulated story, he declared himself the inventor of pizza, a statement met with polite silence from the entire nation of Italy. He also insisted that he body-slammed Andre the Giant with such force that the shockwave ended the Cold War.

In recent years, Hogan claimed to have declined an offer to become Trump’s Secretary of Defense because it interfered with his beer promotional schedule, although he confidently asserted that had a “foolproof plan” to single-handedly end the Russian-Ukrainian war. Earlier this year, Hogan insisted he was James Gunn’s first choice to star in “Superman”, but graciously allowed David Corenswet to take the role.

Among Hogan’s harshest critics was outspoken wrestling historian Jim Cornette, who said upon hearing the news,

“I’d say rest in peace, but he’d probably tell everyone he invented resting, peace, and funerals. Hell, he’d probably claim he booked his own afterlife to go over God in a two-out-of-three falls match.”

Hogan’s survivors include numerous celebrities he frequently identified as close personal friends, all of whom politely declined to comment, presumably because they had never actually met him.

Instead of a traditional funeral, sources say Hogan had plans for a farewell pay-per-view titled “Heavenmania: The Final Brother,” complete with pyrotechnics, a fog machine, and an open challenge to the concept of mortality itself. Tickets are not on sale, but Hogan insisted it would be “the most watched event in celestial history, brother.”