Nintendo Reveals Mario Went For First Colonoscopy, and He Feels Great

REDMOND, Wash — With their beloved company mascot turning 40 this year, Nintendo has revealed that Mario recently went into his gastroenterologist’s office for his first colonoscopy, and the goomba-stomping protagonist says he’s “never felt-a better” post-procedure, according to reports.

“As the Mario brothers age, we want to ensure that they remain in good health.” said current Nintendo global president and CEO Shuntaro Furukawa. “As you may be aware, it is important for all men over the age of 40 to receive a colonoscopy as the risk of colon cancer and other serious illnesses increases. And that includes everyone’s favorite Italian plumbers! They want to spread the message that we should all be getting our ‘pipes’ checked…my apologies for the crude expression.”

While Mario was apparently in a bit of a daze from the anesthesia after waking up from the exam, the results were all clear and his digestive system is in great health, per sources within the UW Medical Center.

“I’m pleased to report that Mario is doing just fine,” Dr. Sheldon, MD told the press. “We found no abnormalities in the digestive tract. He eats a lot of Italian cured meats and cheeses in addition to all of those mushrooms and fire flowers, which makes him pretty gassy from time to time, but hey, farting is good for you, I always say!”

Other company executives, including Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser, offered their reactions to the good news.

“This is so great for business – um, I mean, for Mario, of course.” Bowser said in a statement. “It’s heartening to know that he still has a bright future ahead of him even after all his years of making our company proud. And he’s doing his part to associate us with men’s health, which is just so overlooked usually, you know? It’s a really positive development for Nintendo- uh, for men all across the globe, who will hopefully be inspired to get themselves checked.”

At press time, other famous Nintendo characters from Donkey Kong to Wario were spotted sitting in the GI’s waiting room, while Mario’s brother Luigi was apparently on a heated phone call with his health insurance provider.

Upstair Neighbors’ Clobberin Time Disrupting Man’s Solitary Morbin Time

PHILADELPHIA — Resident Marvel fan Steven Gooner has gone public about the embarrassing issues with noisy neighbors plaguing his Center City apartment complex.

In an effort to one up his loud upstairs neighbors, he spoke out with a megaphone in front of City Hall, before a crowd of confused onlookers.

“Nearly 250 years ago, our Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution right here, in this very municipality. It is an absolute travesty that they neglected to ratify the inalienable right to morbin’ time in your own private domicile, without being disrupted by the sounds of clobberin’ time coming from your neighbor’s domicile! If we’re endowed with the right to discreetly purchase AK-47s from gun shows without any sort of background checks, then why can’t we have the right to discreetly shoot something else?”

Before anyone in the crowd could point out that the Founding Fathers had died over a century before Stan Lee’s birth, or that the right to privacy is already a thing, Gooner continued to bemoaned his lack of success connecting with other sincere, earnest fans of the 2022 Marvel film Morbius

“Look, I feel for the guy,” attested an onlooker of the crowd to an Action News anchor, “I’ve been pretty lonely for the past couple years myself, since the pandemic. But the movie has a 15% on Rotten Tomatoes. Unless he ups and joins Jared Leto’s cult, he’s gonna have a hard time finding other likeminded people.”

Though the demonstration garnered confusion and laughter, Steven’s mom Geraldine was elated to see her son get out more.

“The boy’s confided in me about his fear of dying alone, and he very well still could, but it heartens me to see him out and about. Used to spend every waking moment buried in his forums and comment sections, now he’s making the whole damn world his comment section! Maybe one day, he’ll bring home a date that’s not his left hand.”

At press time, Shameik Moore has reportedly expressed relief over no longer having the most embarrassing Marvel headline in the news cycle.

Elon Musk in Dispute with Billy Mitchell Over Donkey Kong High Score

BOCA CHICA, Texas — After climbing the Diablo IV and Path of Exile 2 leaderboards, Elon Musk is now claiming that he also holds the high score in Donkey Kong, dethroning the previous record holder, Billy Mitchell.

The tech CEO and pro gamer doubled down on these claims while playing the arcade classic  on a Twitch stream earlier this week.

“You all act like this is hard. Anyone with a small allotment of time can jump over enough of these little brown circles and get the high score,” Musk said as he completely ignored the hammer and continued up toward Donkey Kong. “Hammer? The hammer’s for phonies like Billy who want to pad their score without putting the work in.”

Mitchell did not take Musk’s insults lightly and took to his own Twitch stream to respond to Musk’s anti-hammer hubris.

“‘Hammers are for score padders’ what the hell is he talking about? There’s no way he did this without emulation or someone playing for him,” Mitchell said in his stream between ad breaks featuring his hot sauce. “If he can prove to me that he broke the record without emulation or the help of an actual gamer, I’ll give him a lifetime supply of Rickey’s World Famous Hot Sauce.”

Not taking the bait, Musk responded immediately with another stream.

“Billy Mitchell can hardly break records, what does he know about hot sauce? Sit down, Billy before I buy your shitty restaurant chain and burn it down,” Musk said staring into the screen. “Yeah, so what if I used an emulator and hired Steve Wiebe to play a few screens for me? You gonna cry Billy? What kind of man goes by Billy? You’re old. Just go by Bill or William, you pedophile.”

At press time, Musk was pondering getting into speedrunning games and started making a list of speedrunners and how much they would cost to hire.

In Memory Of David Lynch I’m Rewatching Twin Peaks Except For Most Of It

The passing of David Lynch is undeniably a huge loss for the world of cinema. With classics like ‘Eraserhead’ and ‘Mulholland Drive,’ he cemented himself as the surrealist. A true iconoclast. He will be missed.

To honor his legacy, I decided to rewatch one of his most renowned works, ‘Twin Peaks.’ I plan to get a few episodes into Season 2 before I completely give up on it and turn it off, just like David would have wanted.

Don’t get me wrong, Season 1 of ‘Twin Peaks’ is iconic. Rewatching it feels downright dreamlike. It makes me crave cherry pie from the Double R Diner and yearn for a time when teenagers could seemingly skip high school for weeks at a time as they investigated a supernatural murder. Of course, I’m still fast-forwarding through every scene where James is just brooding on a motorcycle.

But Season 2 after Laura Palmer’s killer is revealed is pretty much unwatchable. David said it himself: “The second season sucked.” I’m not a hater, it’s just the truth.

So instead of finishing all 22 episodes of that drawn-out madness, I’ve decided I’ll just drink some black coffee and smoke a few hundred cigarettes. I might even carry around a log for a little bit and stare at pictures of owls.

That would definitely mean more to David than relearning who the fuck Windom Earle is. What does that weirdo have to do with Laura Palmer again? I can’t remember, and I refuse to learn. Also, I vaguely recall that he kidnaps that douchebag Leo, who somehow fell out of a coma I think? I couldn’t keep up the first time I watched it, nor will I attempt to do so now.

There is absolutely no way David would want me to spend any time thinking about why Big Ed’s wife Nadine suddenly gains super strength after her accident, or why she starts dating a high schooler. Also, was Catherine impersonating a Japanese businessman really necessary? I still remember the audible “what the hell” I muttered when I saw that. It would just be cruel to put myself through that again, let alone the Season 2 James-Evelyn Marsh subplot…

For now I’ll skip to Twin Peaks: The Return since I’ve heard good things. I think David would agree with this decision. I’ll have my doppelganger fill me in on anything I missed along the way.

In Memory of David Lynch, I’m Rewatching Twin Peaks Except for Most of It

The passing of David Lynch is undeniably a huge loss for the world of cinema. With classics like ‘Eraserhead’ and ‘Mulholland Drive,’ he cemented himself as the surrealist. A true iconoclast. He will be missed.

To honor his legacy, I decided to rewatch one of his most renowned works, ‘Twin Peaks.’ I plan to get a few episodes into Season 2 before I completely give up on it and turn it off, just like David would have wanted.

Don’t get me wrong, Season 1 of ‘Twin Peaks’ is iconic. Rewatching it feels downright dreamlike. It makes me crave cherry pie from the Double R Diner and yearn for a time when teenagers could seemingly skip high school for weeks at a time as they investigated a supernatural murder. Of course, I’m still fast-forwarding through every scene where James is just brooding on a motorcycle. 

But Season 2 after Laura Palmer’s killer is revealed is pretty much unwatchable. David said it himself: “The second season sucked.” I’m not a hater, it’s just the truth.

So instead of finishing all 22 episodes of that drawn-out madness, I’ve decided I’ll just drink some black coffee and smoke a few hundred cigarettes. I might even carry around a log for a little bit and stare at pictures of owls. 

That would definitely mean more to David than relearning who the fuck Windom Earle is. What does that weirdo have to do with Laura Palmer again? I can’t remember, and I refuse to learn. Also, I vaguely recall that he kidnaps that douchebag Leo, who somehow fell out of a coma I think? I couldn’t keep up the first time I watched it, nor will I attempt to do so now.

There is absolutely no way David would want me to spend any time thinking about why Big Ed’s wife Nadine suddenly gains super strength after her accident, or why she starts dating a high schooler. Also, was Catherine impersonating a Japanese businessman really necessary? I still remember the audible “what the hell” I muttered when I saw that. It would just be cruel to put myself through that again, let alone the Season 2 James-Evelyn Marsh subplot…

For now I’ll skip to Twin Peaks: The Return since I’ve heard good things. I think David would agree with this decision. I’ll have my doppelganger fill me in on anything I missed along the way.

FDA Bans Red Dye No. 3 After It Turns the President Into Red Hulk

WASHINGTON — The US Food and Drug Administration is banning the use of Red Dye No. 3 in food, drinks, and medication, after President Donald Trump mutated into the Red Hulk due to over indulging in the carcinogenic dye. 

“We’re monitoring Mr. Trump’s condition and are pleased to announce he has never been healthier!” Sean Conely, Trump’s primary physician, told reporters. “What began as a perfectly normal candy corn habit in October, has healthfully progressed into a gamma-esque radiation mutation, but don’t be alarmed! The President has assured me he has never felt better.”

Just days into his presidency, Trump has grown to the size of a regular Hulk, while retaining all the mental capacity needed to govern one of the most powerful countries on Earth.

“I actually have a great relationship with Mr. Hulk,” said Trump during a tangent answering a question about inflation. “Many people are surprised when I say that, but he came up to me one day, big guy, strong guy, tears in his eyes, he said to me ‘Mr. Trump’ – I wasn’t President at the time or he would’ve called me President Trump – he said ‘Mr. Trump, Hulk smash,’ and I’ll never forget it, that’s what he said to me, true story.”

The FDA’s decision to ban the dye is on the heels of Trump’s Department of Health Secretary, Robert Kennedy Jr., calling for the removal of all dyes in food, drinks, medicine, and hair products. 

“The color red is a noble color, reserved for things like the humble tomato, ripe red peppers, and the blood of slain whales and bears,” said RFK Jr. unprompted during his Senate confirmation hearing. “These food dyes allow disgusting, processed garbage to masquerade as ‘strawberry milk.’ What even is strawberry milk? I’ve never seen a strawberry’s nipples despite years of searching, have you?”

At press time, President Red Hulk has assured the American people he will only transform during the incredibly rare occurrence of getting angry. 

TikTok Ban Lasts Slightly Longer Than Average User’s Attention Span

WASHINGTON — The United States government’s ban on the social media platform TikTok has officially ended. Affecting around 170 million users of the app, the ban lasted just slightly longer than those users’ collective attention spans.

“I’m just so happy it’s back. I really didn’t know what –” said TikTok user Frank Hart before becoming distracted by a squirrel running up a tree. “Like I said, it’s just great it’s back and I don’t have to find something else to do while I’m watching a movie.” Hart continued after quickly losing interest in the squirrel.

Hart wasn’t the only TikTok user who was ecstatic about the news. Many of them rushed back to the app to make videos celebrating its return.

“That was the most agonizing period of my life,” recalled TikToker Jenna Geller in a video of her twerking in the middle of rush hour traffic on the freeway. “It was banned for so long I never would have believed it could come back. I mean those few hours were absolutely harrowing. I was so bored, there was nothing to do. I had to resort to reading a book, luckily when I took a break after the first paragraph to scroll Twitter I saw TikTok was back.”

Kenneth Hong, a spokesperson for ByteDance spoke about the process for getting the app back up for its American users.

“We understand how difficult this was for our users and we deeply apologize that they had to go several hours without being able to scroll through 30 second videos algorithmically designed to keep them docile. Luckily as soon as President Biden took his 12:30 nap we were able to distract incoming President Trump with dangling keys long enough to convince him that bringing our app back will be good for him. After all, people won’t be privy to the actions of a fascist oligarchy while they’re watching snippets of flossing teens and funny cats for 12 hours a day.”

At press time, in light of TikTok’s return Mark Zuckerberg has announced that Meta will be shortening the maximum length of Instagram Reels to 4 seconds.

Not Banned Yet! Americans Flee Tik Tok For Totally Different Chinese Data-Stealing App

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Americans prepare for a historic social media ban made possible by a groundbreaking bipartisan campaign between political parties, RedNote, a totally different Chinese social media app that steals your data, has risen in popularity.

“They’re infringing on my First Amendment rights!” says social media influencer, Ray-Ray Baller. “The government should have no business telling me who I can and can’t give my mother’s maiden name, social security number, and blood type to.”

Young people across the country are ditching TikTok, which the Supreme Court has deemed a threat to national security, for the next closest thing.

“RedNote is a non-Americanized social media that is totally chill and most definitely isn’t doing exactly what TikTok was doing to get banned,” says social media expert Madison Montgomery. “And the best part is, it isn’t owned by a sad, divorced billionaire that oozes toxic masculinity… Come to think of it, I don’t know who owns RedNote, probably a really cool Chinese billionaire with morals and stuff.”

U.S. Senators and Congressmen agree that the app they are completely confused by is destroying the very fabric of their country’s democracy. And now, a unanimous 9-0 approval by the Supreme Court to uphold the ban has put TikTok’s final saving grace into the hand of President-elect Donald Trump.

“These children are gold mines of valuable data, and they’re just giving it away to one of our greatest enemies?!” says Republican Congressman, Doug Jerqoph. “The only way to wrangle these disrespectful kids is to regulate which bathrooms they use, what sports they can play, and what apps they spend all their parents’ data on.”

At press time, the RedNote surge has resulted in a large influx of Duolingo users changing their focus to Mandarin.

Game Night: The Games I Didn’t Cover in 2024

I’ve been a reporter in and around the video game industry for over 20 years. When I pitched this column to Hard Drive, it was in the hopes that I’d finally get to do something with the dozens of indie games that get sent to me every month. I was about half right, as while I did get to talk about something new every Friday, Game Night promptly developed its own exclusive pile of shame.

Typically, these were games that required more of a time investment than I could handle at the time; which I hadn’t heard about until they were already a couple of months old; or which showed up in a broken state. More often, they just got lost in the shuffle.

Now that we’ve hit what appears to be the January slowdown, I’ve been playing through a bunch of the games that I meant to cover before now, in an attempt to clear the slate. Here are some thoughts on the best, or at least most memorable, of what’s left.

Alice’s Lullaby – Ape Law

Remember Albino Lullaby? It came out back in 2015 as the first entry in what was ostensibly an episodic narrative/stealth/adventure game, self-billed as a “Lynchian psychological nightmare.” Then the developers went dark for over 9 years. While Albino’s follow-up chapters were listed on Steam, it seemed safe to assume they were vaporware.

Surprise. Alice’s Lullaby came out with minimal fanfare on Oct. 8, and if anything, it’s a more uncomfortable (complimentary) experience than its predecessor. The first 20 minutes are a barrage of animal slaughter, child abuse, discordant pseudo-music, and a horde of monsters that look like angry faces drawn on severed thumbs. Playing Alice’s Lullaby feels like you’ve signed up to have several other people’s nightmares at once.

Like Albino, half of Alice’s impact comes from its lack of guidance or guardrails. It offers a little more of an initial plot hook than Albino did, but still drops you into the middle of a surreal situation without guidance or explanation. You’re trapped in an abandoned underground settlement with the mutant remnants of a cult, out to save a girl who’s been dead since before you were born. Somehow. I think.

The result is an effectively creepy thriller, but much of its impact depends on your individual tolerance for media that actively tries to upset you. Right from the start, you’re supposed to be lost, confused, and off-balance. It’s not even an acquired taste; this is either for you or it’s not, with no middle ground. I think I could really get into the Lullaby games if I was in the right mood, but I have no idea what that mood could be.

Anger Foot – Free Lives/Devolver Digital

You can get Anger Foot (July 11, Steam) in a bundle with Mullet Mad Jack at the time I’m writing this, which is really convenient for me. Much of what I wrote about Jack applies just as well here: it’s a high-speed, short-run FPS where every enemy dies in one hit.

More importantly, it’s a love song to the big front kick. Every stage in Anger Foot is 60 to 180 seconds of flimsy excuses to apply boot to ass, face, chest, and door. It’s clearly the work of people who love games like Dark Messiah, Bulletstorm, or Dying Light, where 90% of the combat revolves around punting fools into deep pits or live wires.

Anger Foot is also deliberately shallow, has too much random toilet humor for my tastes, and has a visual style that looks like you’re fucking up a bunch of Temu Muppets. (Alternative joke: it’s Berry Gordy’s Meet the Feebles.) It’s proudly, gleefully dumb, but it’s hard to really dislike, especially when I get to kill some random moron by kicking his door into his face.

Arco – Franek Nowotniak, Max Cahill, José Ramón “Bibiki” García, Antonio Uribe/Panic

Arco got on my radar a few months ago when I saw its lead developer complain on Twitter that he was having a hard time finding an audience for it. Now that I’ve played it, I can see why.

Arco (Steam and Switch, Aug. 15) is a hybrid of a real-time strategy game, an RPG, and a bullet hell shooter, set against the backdrop of a Mesoamerican-styled fantasy Western. You play as a group of four characters, starting with an embittered mercenary, who set out on a mission of revenge across the frontier.

Any fantasy game that isn’t running off the post-Tolkien Dungeons & Dragons playbook gets some points from me right at the start (see also 2021’s Cris Tales), and Arco has a quiet emotional edge that pulls you in almost immediately. It’s like Unforgiven with alpacas.

Its biggest problem might be its difficulty. You’ll get the hang of its odd combat system after a couple of battles, but the biggest problem is that you keep showing up to gunfights with a knife and a bow. That works about as well as you’d think it would.

If you stick it out for the first hour, there’s a solid, memorable game here, but I’ve been vaporized in too many random bandit crossfires to give Arco an unqualified recommendation. It’s ambitious, and it’s absolutely worth a look if you want a unique RPG, but it’s tough in ways that don’t feel entirely intentional.

Athena Crisis – Nakazawa Tech/Null Games

Elephant in the room: Athena Crisis is not a “retro-inspired” strategy game. It is not a deliberate homage to the great portable tactics games of the 2000s. That is marketing spin. Athena Crisis wants to be Advance Wars. It stole its clothes, it mimicked its haircut, it’s befriended its loved ones.

To double back, in case you aren’t as painfully old as I am, Athena Crisis (Steam, Sept. 23) is a turn-based strategy game that hearkens back to the big library of similar releases on the Game Boy Advance and Nintendo DS. In a tactical challenge that’s pitched like Fisher-Price’s My First Tank Battalion, you take control of the Pink Army to defend your nation against the encroaching Orange Army.

In fairness, Athena Crisis does come off like it’s trying to improve on its inspirations. Crisis is open-source, and features online gameplay, a long single-player campaign, and community-created campaigns and maps. It’s a little too weirdly child-friendly for me, particularly in how it depicts an urban conflict theater with the same emotional weight as flag football, but I could see Athena Crisis being a hit with tactics fans. If nothing else, it’s perfect for portable systems like the Steam Deck.

Balatro – LocalThunk/Playstack

I didn’t play it. Everyone I know who did play it was describing it in terms that are ordinarily reserved for opiate addiction, and I had shit to do. It’s probably incredible. You knew that. Moving on.

The Coma 2B: Catacomb – Dvora Studio/Headup

I don’t see many Western fans talking about the Coma series, which always struck me as being Korea’s answer to Clock Tower. They’re horror games set in a haunted school, where tormented students are stalked by a procession of possessed classmates and hostile ghosts. No combat is possible; you either run, hide, or die.

Coma 2B: Catacomb (PlayStation, Xbox, Switch, and PC, Oct. 25) is sort of the series’ Resident Evil 3, in that it’s a slightly unnecessary interquel that features a returning protagonist. Catacomb follows Youngho Choi, the protagonist of The Coma, during the events of The Coma 2. When he realizes his last week of exams has become an infinite loop, Youngho breaks free only to find himself stuck in the local spirit world. Now he’s got to dodge the more murderous locals and find a way to escape before he starves to death.

As you might expect from the description, this is not where you want to start with the series. Catacomb won’t make much sense unless you beat Coma 2. It’s also got some real issues in its back half that suggest that Catacomb was rushed to market. That said, if you like helplessness in your survival horror, Catacomb and the Coma series as a whole have a great sense of slowly mounting dread.

Cyberpulse – Scherzo Games/Digital Tribe

I’m lousy at Cyberpulse (Steam, May 21), but I suppose that’s part of the fun.

One of the lies I keep telling myself is that one day I’m going to regain my arcade shoot-’em-up cred, from back in the day when I could single-credit clear Life Force. It was in that spirit that I grabbed Cyberpulse, only to discover that it’s not a traditional example of the genre. Instead, it’s a bunch of different shoot-’em-ups packed into a single game.

As an antivirus program, your job is to track down hostile computer viruses throughout a long gauntlet of levels. Your central mechanic is creating a gravity wave in front of your ship that repels enemies that enter it, so they smash into each other or the closest wall. It’s Gradius as a demolition derby.

That’s the most common gimmick, but there are multiple modes in Cyberpulse that change things up by adding new rules, taking away the zone, adding power-ups, or throwing in new types of enemies. It ends up feeling like the Tetris Effect of arcade shooters, where each new stage might turn into Asteroids or R-Type or a Touhou game as you go.

The big drawback to Cyberpulse is its visual design, which is often a little too frantic to understand. About half my deaths come from how it’s hard to tell the difference at a glance between incoming enemy fire and score pickups. That could use a tweak, but the rest of the game is a unique spin on the “shmup” genre. It needs more love.

CYGNI: All Guns Blazing – KeelWorks/Konami

Speaking of shmups, CYGNI (PlayStation 5, Xbox, Steam, and Epic, August 6) is a new bullet-hell game with an odd rhythm to it. It’s the debut project from KeelWorks, a Scottish animation studio, and they gave it their all. If nothing else, CYGNI looks incredible, with all the weirdly organic enemy battleships you can handle.

In play, CYGNI reminds me of Treasure shooters, particularly Radiant Silvergun, and those arcade revivals that you used to see on Xbox Live Arcade like Hard Corps: Uprising. CYGNI takes the basic ‘90s shmup formula and builds a bunch of systems around it, such as ship upgrades, arsenal customization, and the ability to switch power between your shields and weapons on the fly.

It does highlight a couple of things about the basic arcade shooter formula that I realized I’d been taking for granted, like how the short levels give you built-in breaks from the action. Each mission in CYGNI is about as long as an entire game from the arcade days, and you’re expected to plow through each of them in a single sitting. If you’re playing on Medium or higher, you also only get one life. In a genre that’s otherwise full of relay races, CYGNI is a marathon. It’s a must-see for shmup fanatics, but for anyone else, it’s a steep climb.

Killing Time: Resurrected – 3DO/Nightdive Studios/Ziggurat Interactive

Nightdive Studios specializes in remastering and re-releasing old out-of-print PC and console games, which is often a mixed bag. For every game I’m glad they’re keeping in circulation, like Rise of the Triad, there’s something like PO’d that should’ve been released exclusively to libraries and forgotten by everyone else. Killing Time: Resurrected (PlayStation, Xbox, Switch, and PC via Steam and GOG, Oct. 17) is the former, as it feels like finding some missing link in FPS history.

The original Killing Time came out in 1996, as a first-party exclusive for the short-lived 3DO console. It’s a single-player FPS set during the US’s Prohibition era, where an heiress has accidentally brought down a curse on an isolated island. Now you’ve got to fight zombie bootleggers and giant ants to reach and destroy an ancient artifact.

I’d never heard any real talk about Killing Time, but it turns out that it was years ahead of the FPS curve. The whole game takes place on a single massive map that covers the entire island. You do have to hunt down a few keys to make progress, but otherwise you’re free to explore. It’s an open-world game from before anyone had coined the phrase.

On the other hand, it’s got some of the dumbest monster design I’ve ever seen. The enemies in Killing Time are goofy. It’s a game that has no idea whether it’s a spoof or not, with monsters like undead housekeepers, murder clowns, and a bunch of women in Spirit Halloween succubus costumes.

If you can get past that, Killing Time stacks up surprisingly well against most modern faux-retro “boomer shooters,” although you’ll want to play on higher difficulties. It’s fast, occasionally intense, and offers an entirely different sort of challenge than most of its contemporaries did.

Lorelei and the Laser Eyes – Simogo/Annapurna Interactive

I heard about Lorelei and the Laser Eyes (Steam and Switch, May 16; PlayStation, Dec. 3) through pure word of mouth. Several different people independently mentioned that it was the business, and then I found out it was the latest project from the same team as Sayonara Wild Hearts. I’ve been meaning to play it all year.

It’s interesting to see the team officially confirm that Lorelei took some inspiration from the original Resident Evil, as my first impression of it was that it’s a survival horror game without the combat. Instead, it’s a gently spooky, surreal mystery set in a nearly abandoned hotel, where the current year seems to change from room to room. Your goal is to solve a gauntlet of increasingly surreal puzzles in order to figure out who you are, what’s going on, and why you’re here.

You could accuse Lorelei of favoring style over substance, particularly since its controls are distinctly wonky, but it’s smart and well-paced. You’re meant to wander around the hotel at your own speed and pick it apart like an onion. It’s a great way to spend a couple of lazy afternoons.

Marco: Beyond Brave – Studio Mechka

I got a code for Marko: Beyond Brave (Steam, Sept. 17) a couple of weeks ahead of its official release. On installation, however, it ran like—to use a term of journalistic art—hot ass. I assumed this was another case of an indie game that got rushed to release before it was actually ready and put it on the back burner.

I double-checked for this column and found that Marko’s been patched. Now it runs just fine, but that forces me to discuss its other problem: it’s about as generic a Metroidvania as you could get in 2024, with graphics that remind me of particularly ambitious Flash games. It’s not bad; it’s just kind of there.

This is the debut project from a small Bulgarian studio, so I want to cut it some slack, but Marko is in desperate need of some extra sauce. It’s got a little challenge to it, but it’s otherwise stuck in the dead center of the grading curve. That, in its own way, is remarkable.

Venture to the Vile – Studio Cut to Bits/Aniplex Inc.

Back in November, when I was writing about how Soulslikes and Metroidvanias can be an awkward combination, I might as well have mentioned Venture to the Vile (Steam, PS4&5, Xbox, and Switch, May 22) by name. It’s got a solid premise, and I’m always interested in a deliberately creepy Metroidvania, but there’s too much Sekiro in Venture’s soup.

In a small village that’s under attack by a corruptive force, you’re the only person who’s survived exposure to the “Vile” without becoming a monster. Instead, you got a handful of beneficial mutations like a retractable claw. Thus equipped, you set out to explore the countryside in search of both a missing friend and a way to stop the Vile.

In theory, Venture has everything in its corner. The animation’s fluid, it has a distinct visual identity, it loves its body horror, and it features a big map with plenty of varying environments. The problem I ran into was with its combat, where every single enemy is best handled via a parry mechanic. You can walk up and just hit them if you want, but in practice, you want to either bait an attack and counter or not fight at all.

In a genre that I tend to define by its speed and fluidity, Venture to the Vile asks you to spend most of your time waiting for enemies to try and hit you. It was already testing my patience, and then I ran into a puzzle that I’m too color-blind to solve. I had to stop playing it.

Venture has some fans, and I can appreciate much of what it’s trying to do, but it’s built around truly obnoxious core mechanics. It might be worth a look if you enjoy tense, difficult Metroidvanias like Ender Lilies, but Venture to the Vile feels like a game that got wrecked by market forces. It’s got a bunch of Souls cruft that didn’t have to be here and it brings the whole thing down.

Attendees to David Lynch’s Funeral Put Through Surreal Dream Journey

LOS ANGELES — Acclaimed director David Lynch was laid to rest today in a funeral that attendees called “a kaleidoscopic tour through the endless dark.”

Two generations of filmmakers turned out to say goodbye to Lynch, in an elaborate ceremony held at a condemned bowling alley in Little Tokyo. Attendees were ushered into the venue by two 7’-tall identical white men who did not speak or blink, and served coffee and cigarettes by caterers who, one assumes, were hired because they resembled the most famous people in the room.

The ceremony was officiated by an unidentified woman who read the day’s weather report aloud through tears, while only dressed in a black hat, veil, and opera gloves. She then gave a eulogy for a local porn producer named Dick Laurent before vanishing into the shadows behind her podium.

After 15 minutes of perfect silence, attendees who attempted to leave discovered that all the exits had disappeared. Several found other ways out via other doors inside the building, which led to other locations throughout Los Angeles County, including a cheap hotel in San Dimas and a greasy spoon in Alhambra. At time of writing, roughly half the people who attended Lynch’s funeral have yet to reappear in public.

“Oh, I thought it was perfect,” actress Laura Dern told Hard Drive. “The important thing about David’s funeral is what you personally take away from it. Asking what he intended is beyond the point.”

Dern continued, “Sure, I wish I knew where Nick [Cage] is now, or why his voicemail message has been replaced by a string of numbers read in a monotonous baritone, but I have faith in David’s vision. I’m sure Nick’s enjoying himself, wherever or whenever he is.”

Other attendees of the funeral weren’t as thrilled with the experience.

“I spent twenty-three years as a claims adjuster named Dexter Burbank,” said Justin Theroux, who appeared in Lynch’s final film, 2006’s Inland Empire. “I experienced every moment of Dexter’s quiet desperation, who was deeply unhappy in every way that counted and desperate for a way out. Then I, we, learned his wife was cheating on him, and dead, and also a wholly different person who sang in a 1930s jazz combo. I woke up in a dumpster, as myself, and cried. I guess it’s what David would’ve wanted.”

Lynch was 78. His family has requested that, in lieu of flowers, donations be sent to a random post office box in Venice Beach. Once an arbitrary amount of funding has been reached, the money will be used as an impetus for a tragicomic sequence of events with an uncertain ending.