Kennedy Announces Ban on Most Mountain Dew Flavors

WASHINGTON US Health Secretary, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., announced a ban on all Mountain Dew flavors, except for Baja Blast earlier this week, as part of his ongoing war on sugar. His latest ban came during a heated news conference where Kennedy disparaged the soft drink’s variety of flavors.

“You want to put something called ‘Code Red’ in your body, yet, I’m the crazy one,” Kennedy said to members of the press as they gulped down what remained of their newly banned favorite flavors. “It’s disgusting. It’s making kids fat, ugly, and stupid. If you want to drink Mountain Dew, it has to be Baja Blast. It’s the natural color of the ocean and I should know, cause I’m often swimming through it hunting for seals.”

Kennedy’s ban effectively removes all versions of original Moutain Dew, Code Red, Livewire, Voltage, and Diet Dew from store shelves and soda fountains around the nation. Recipes for discontinued flavors such as Pitch Black and Voo-Doo are to be destroyed and any flavor scientists with memory of those recipes are to be shot in the head, twice. Bottled Baja Blasts are also unauthorized with the ban, though Kennedy noted an intentional loophole.

“Consumption of Baja Blast must be done from a Taco Bell fountain,” Kennedy said before crunching into a Dorito Locos Taco and washing it down with an ice-cold Baja Blast. “I’ve been drinking raw Baja Blast since 2004. There’s no better combo than horse meat and a Baja Blast straight from the source.”

Scientists well versed in Mountain Dew and its effectiveness in culling dense populations of gamers are now worried the ban may lead  to overpopulation.

“Putting it mildly, this is the most humane way for us to control gamer populations,” said Randi Heaton, a scientist who’s worked with the FDA numerous times to cull the invasive species. “No Gamer Fuel means no diabetes, which means longer life spans for your average gamer. Without any population control, message boards and Twitter won’t be able to handle the influx of new gamers. We’re heading for the end as far as I’m concerned.”

At press time, remaining Mountain Dew supplies had plunged after gamers flooded stores to stock up on their favorite flavors, driving the cost of a 2-liter bottle to almost as much as a half-dozen eggs.

Pickup Artist Releases New Course on How to “Persuasion Wheel” Women

IMPERIAL CITY, Cyrodil — A popular pickup artist has released “Wheel Women Into Your Bed,” a course on seducing women with the Persuasion Wheel.

“Delighted to finally share this with you all,” posted Jeremy “Battlehorny Castellan” Bradus. “Women are more confusing than ever before, and rather than attempt the bare minimum like showering or making yourself interesting, men can instead find their next sexual conquest by mastering this clunky-ass minigame from 2005.”

For the price of $879.99, prospective incels can learn incredible techniques from a nine-lesson course. Some of the lessons include “Rotate to Procreate”, “Imperial Breeches to Get Bitches”, and “One Second Charm”. Reviews thus far have been mixed.

“Honestly, I’m still struggling,” admitted Rob Stedrine. “I don’t really know how to tell a joke, and the only thing worth boasting about is my service in Gamergate. If I couldn’t try coercing women, I don’t know how I’d interact with them at all. At least I can just pile them with money.”

As news of the course has spread, support for it has come from an unlikely source.

“Finally,” Todd Howard exclaimed as he brandished a copy of Skyrim. “I invented the Persuasion Wheel to teach people the art of human interaction. My life’s work has been to bestow my incredible knowledge upon humanity, in the form of digital products and expensive DLC. May you lowly scum continue to bask in the brilliance of my mind.”

At press time, several people who took the course complained their infamy was too high to even attempt a conversation with a woman.

Video Essay Condescendingly Reads Wikipedia at You

SAN FRANCISCO — After struggling to find their footing in the content creator landscape, a local YouTuber has seemed to have found their groove by condescendingly reading Wikipedia at the viewer, our sources confirm. 

“After years of trying reaction content and unboxing videos, I finally found what my audience really wants from my channel – a patronizing summary of free information,” said Dylan Whitehead, known as ‘ThePrequelPreacher’ on YouTube. “The hardest part is getting ChatGPT to rewrite the Wikipedia articles from the POV of a privileged white guy with a superiority complex.”

The Gen Z content creator has gone mildly viral with his last two videos – “This is actually why Revenge of the Sith is the best Star Wars” and “You probably don’t understand the depth of Donnie Darko.”

“I usually hate when guys mansplain the intricacies of the Galactic Trade Federation, but for some reason, The Prequel Preacher’s combination of snobby tone and encyclopedic knowledge really works for me,” said one subscriber who argues with every comment that disagrees with the content of the video. “It reminds me of being lectured by a self-righteous librarian.”

This recent online validation has caused Whitehead’s persona to lean into arrogant know-it-all, when in reality, the 23 year old high school graduate hasn’t read a book in almost a decade. 

“I gotta shout out my personal heroes, Joe Rogan and Andrew Tate. Those guys are trailblazers for narcissistic men on the internet who talk about things that they have no knowledge of for validation and attention,” said the self-proclaimed best video essayist on YouTube. “You can do it too! All you need is an obnoxious thumbnail, a rambling title, and the ego of an all knowing god on earth.”

At press time, fellow YouTube video essay creator, HBomberguy, has amassed a 10-hour takedown of the Prequel Preacher’s plagiarism. 

Game Night: It’s Post-Apocalyptic Murder Gardening in ‘INAYAH: Life After Gods’

One of my favorite types of B-movies is when the creators clearly didn’t bother to do any research on filmmaking before they started. No books were read and no questions were asked; every time these people hit one of the thousand problems that crop up on a film set, they freestyled their solution. Sometimes that results in a flash of genius. More often, someone finds a way to either make new mistakes or unearth old ones.

In retrospect, this is a natural consequence whenever some new media technology becomes accessible to any geek off the street. Eventually it’ll fall into the hands of a driven amateur and the results can get a little weird, independently of the quality of the production.

Speaking of which—INAYAH: Life After Gods is a new 2D action-platformer from the (I assume to be) German developer Exogenesis Studios, which funded INAYAH’s development via a successful Kickstarter in 2024.

According to Exogenesis’ bio, the team includes several unidentified “international game and software development veterans” who previously worked on Rogue Trader and Pathfinder: Wrath of the Righteous, as well as a team of artists with experience at Blizzard and Disney.

That’s a stacked lineup for a game that still turned out distinctly off-kilter. INAYAH looks great, has multiple useful quality-of-life features, and is set in a colorful, memorable post-apocalyptic world. However, it’s also plagued by a bunch of mechanical issues that drag down the whole.

Inayah is one of a handful of survivors who live in the ruins of an ancient civilization, which fell so long ago that its creators are viewed by modern humans as dead, unknowable gods. Inayah’s world is full of crumbling tunnels, half-functioning machines nicknamed “iron,” and hostile, mutated plant life.

While exploring the ruins one day, Inayah accidentally reactivates a subway car that carries her to a distant part of the ruins. She quickly discovers that she’s in hostile territory, as the ruins are home to the Ironskins, a band of marauders that orphaned her as a child. They also hold ancient weapons, as well as clues that could lead her to the family she never got the chance to know.

Like Awaken: Astral Blade, INAYAH is a 2D action/platformer that’s got a lot in common with both Metroid and Dark Souls. (I’ve started to feel slightly silly about using terms like “Soulslike” and “Metroidvania,” as they don’t make sense to anyone outside the hobby.) You’re dropped off at one point in a sprawling maze of tunnels and are largely left to explore. As you defeat mutants, you pick up currency that can be spent on upgrades, many of which improve your mobility so you can explore previously inaccessible parts of the map.

You initially get the chance to choose one of 3 weapons, each of which have their own upgrade tree and offer a couple of unique offensive and defensive options. The twin swords let you parry attacks and perform a Zelda II-style up- and downthrust; the fists give you a defensive shield, the ability to climb up certain walls, and an eight-way air dash; and the flail can knock down walls or latch onto magnetic points in the environment.

You’ll eventually unlock access to all 3 at once, which is an interesting overall approach to the formula. Instead of having a traditional double-jump, INAYAH sets you up with some freeform platforming challenges, where you can string your various abilities together to reach new locations. It’s flexible, and the upgrade trees give you a lot of options for customizing your overall approach to both exploration and combat.

However, that also ties into the single biggest problem with INAYAH: it doesn’t convey information to the player very well. It does have a short, basic tutorial that lasts up to the point where you get your first weapon, but you’re never informed about your later movement options or the existence of the upgrade tree. I spent the first hour of the game collecting currency, wondering when I’d get to spend it, then noticed the option to do so had quietly appeared in my pause menu.

The same issue extends to the environments. INAYAH has some incredible art, with an overall style that reminds me of post-apocalyptic stories from Heavy Metal. It’s beautiful, but it’s often difficult to tell at a glance whether something in the environment is meant to be interactive. Whenever I’ve gotten stuck in INAYAH, it’s been because I thought part of the background was a wall or a usable ledge, or because I was supposed to be using new movement options that the game didn’t tell me I had.

It’s the sort of problem that I’ve come to associate with animators or TV producers who pivot to game design. They often create some spectacular visuals or tell an interesting story, but they don’t pay anywhere near as much attention to the mechanics. The result is a game that looks great, but often has a few old mistakes in the mix.

That relegates INAYAH: Life After Gods to the “good effort” pile. It’s a significant achievement as a piece of media, but it’s a significantly flawed video game. I want to like it more than I do, as there’s some real love and effort on display. If its creators get the chance to patch out some of its issues (i.e. outlining or color-shifting interactive objects so they’re easier to see), it could be a decent pickup, but it’s hard to recommend in its current state.

[INAYAH: Life After Gods, developed by Exogenesis Studios and published by Headup, is now available for PC via Steam and Itch.io for $24.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a PR representative for Headup.]

—-

A brief follow-up:

This column marks the end of Game Night’s first year. I pitched this on a random whim, and am sort of surprised it was allowed to go on for this long. I’d be happy to do this for years to come, or until the nation burns down around me, whichever comes first.

In the meantime, thanks for reading, and here’s to a second year of weekly indie games.

 

Loved Sinners? Here’s 5 Other Pieces of Vampire Media You’ll Love by Old White Guys

Sinners blew the doors off of the box office this weekend and left its mark on Hollywood and movie goers alike. I had my issues with the film (it needed more Irish jigs and less cunnilingus). All that aside, Ryan Coogler’s vampiric period piece about appropriation and assimilation still dances around in my head and has me craving more vampire media. I saw my colleagues of the written word were making vampire recommendations and lists, so I thought I would too. Here’s 5 pieces of vampire media I know you’ll love, from the creative minds of old white guys.

 

From Dusk Till Dawn

Sure, Robert Rodriguez does an amazing job directing his first action-horror film, but you have to give all the credit here to Quentin Tarantino’s screenplay. He effortlessly blends elements of westerns, vampiric horror, and a role for himself where he sucks on Salma Hayek’s toes. This is just a good old heist movie where bank robbers take on a gang of vampire strippers. Did I mention there’s a guy with a penis gun?

 

Dracula

Did the women in Sinners have too much agency for you? Prefer your leading ladies to do a little less leading and a little more following? Then I have a book for you. Mina and Lucy are fine characters, but they know how to get out of the way and let the boys play. There are very few vampires in this, aside from the Count and his nameless daughters, but the classic novel does share some themes with Sinners. Count Dracula was the first appropriator, the original Mr. Steal Your Girl.

 

BloodRayne

I’m honestly surprised Tarantino didn’t try to write, direct, and act in the film adaptation of this game series’. Something tells me he would have put his best foot forward.

 

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

If Buffy taught me anything it’s that monsters can be anywhere, including the writers’ room of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

 

Fevre Dream

When I recall George R.R. Martin’s pre-civil war vampiric steamboat adventure, two things come to mind. 1. I am just glad he finished something. 2. Quentin Tarantino would snatch these film rights up in a heartbeat if he knew how many times the N slur was used in this book.

20 Golfing Tips From Last Of Us Fan Favourite Abby

Hi! I’m Abby, one of the most loved characters in The Last of Us videogame series. Beyond my beautiful biceps, there’s a lot you probably don’t know about me. For instance, I have a deep fascination with golf. My dream has always been to mentor new golfers and introduce them to this fantastic game. So, without further ado, behold my 20 best golfing tips!

20. Hit The Gym

Those balls don’t hit themselves! Golf is all about that brutal force you can inflict on those golf balls. Or anyone else in the field who betrays you. So you have to be prepared for anything. Hit those crunches and bells. Pull-ups, deadlifts, and vengeance-based cardio prepare you for an 18-hole game and hunting down whoever broke your heart into pieces.

19. If You Miss It’s Not Ok

You missed your ball even though the owner of the golf club said “golf is joy.” Nothing is worse than a golf club that fails you. Find the owner of the club and kill him. Make him suffer.

18. Practice Practice Practice

Best way to become superior to everyone else is to practice. I usually smash the skulls of my enemies in my backyard when practicing for a tournament. Best way to get the juices flowing is to hit your enemy in the head with a golf club. You can also try other parts of the body like legs, torso or arms.

17. Grip It Like You Mean It

Think of your golf club as a tool for justice. You don’t just hold a club, you wield it. Every swing brings you closer to satisfaction. Every swing is sacred.

16. Practice Your Poker Face

Whether you’re lining up a putt or pretending not to care about the past, the key is to look like nothing fazes you, even if it does. Like, say, someone killed your dad, and all you want is to completely destroy their life the way they destroyed yours.

15. Choose the Right Club for the Job

What is your weapon of choice? Sure drive is great for distance and 9-iron for precision. But when you pull out this bad boy, the trusty club of death. That’s for… personal end game.

14. Trash Talk with Precision

Remind your opponents of their inevitable mortality before they tee off. Watch as they start to tremble and miss the ball one swing after another. Confidence is key. Your battle hardened confidence. Holding a gun to their face is an added bonus.

13. Channel Your Anger

When the memory of your dad creeps in, don’t fight it. Use it. Pour that fiery mix of grief and rage into your swing. Every shot should feel personal. Like you’re hitting it straight through someone’s head. Use the mantra:”Kill” while meditating.

12. Apologies are Overrated

Never apologize. Kill.

11. Aim for the Knees

Here is a fun trick. Some say aim for the green. That’s weak. When in doubt, aim for anything kneecap-height. Knees don’t dodge and even if they do, you can always hit twice.

10. Trend Setter

Golf gloves? Cute. Bloody hands? Iconic. When you step onto the golf course, it’s crucial to strike just the right amount of psychological fear into your enemies from the moment they lay eyes on you. You just killed someone who betrayed you in the Golf Resort’s bathroom? Perfect! Don’t wash your hands.

9. Scorecards Are for the Weak

Real winners don’t keep score. They keep count of their enemies. The more you kill your enemies the more you get new ones. Winner takes it all.

8. Every Game Is a War

Your opponents are reminders of the people who took everything from you. Play like you’re swinging against their moral compass. With one purpose in mind. To kill.

7. Never Let Them See You Cry

Tears blur your vision, and blurred vision ruins your shot. Cry later, after you’ve crushed the course and left everyone questioning their life choices. Golf is a tough game but you are tougher.

6. Build Strength Through Suffering

What is the most important thing in golfing besides your golf bag? It is the emotional baggage you carry with you to every game. Every missed putt and painful memory makes you stronger. Every pain inflicted to your opponents fills that empty void inside.

5. The Wind Is For Amateurs

Tiger Woods might have used the wind to nail that hole in one. But real heroes use the storm inside to their advantage. Let the tempest within drive the ball farther than any tailwind ever could.

4. Leave A Mark

Every game should end with something or someone broken into pieces. A dented club, a shattered trophy, a skull crushed memory. True winners leave a legacy of destruction.

3. Stay on Target, Even When It Hurts

Distractions kill, both on the green and off. Block out the screams of your past and focus on the ball, not the haunting echoes of your dad’s voice. And how do you block them you might ask? By brutal violence.

2. Revenge Is a Par 3

Just like golf, revenge takes patience, focus, and the willingness to ruin someone else’s day. Always be prepared to sink the putt where it hurts the most.

1. If You Can’t Win, Make Them Regret Playing

Hey, let’s face it. There are many ways to win a game of golf. Even if you don’t score the lowest strokes, ensure everyone else leaves emotionally scarred. Just kill your opponent’s whole family. Sometimes the best victories are psychological.

Man Complaining About NPCs Bears Striking Resemblance to Oblivion NPCs

ROCKVILLE, Md. — Friends and family of local man, Edgar Manis, have noticed in recent years an odd trend in Edgar’s speech. With every conversation becoming increasingly less coherent and constantly referring to others as ‘mindless NPCs’, according to their social media posts.

“It seemed like a one-off joke at first, but after a while, it became his whole personality,” said Edgar’s brother Franklin. “Between his constant worship of Elon and the other random bullshit he keeps saying it’s become impossible to hold anything resembling a conversation with him. The other day, he started a conversation with ‘Have you heard of the woke mind virus?’ Who the fuck says that!? I tried to be nice and just ignore it, but after he followed up with ‘I saw a couple of liberals the other day, annoying creatures.’ I had to call him out on it. But if you try to point out how weird that is, he’ll just call you an NPC, turn around, and walk away. More than once into a wall, in fact, but he’ll never admit it.”

Others close to Edgar claim that this may stem from him recently becoming obsessed with Elon Musk.

“He’s way more than just a fan of Elon, he practically worships the ground Elon walks on,” according to Edgar’s friend Lawrence. “The weird part is it’s only as recent as about a year or two ago when he took over Twitter, though he calls it X. He even got a Cybertruck just to prove how much of an adoring fan he is for everything Elon does, despite already owning a tesla that doesn’t look like a 3 year old designed it. ”

A short while later, the Bethesda Police Department reportedly took Edgar into custody following an altercation at a gym.

“Mr Manis was taken into custody early Tuesday morning after charging at another person in the gym,” according to a report from Officer John Wesson. “Mr. Manis claims he was performing a citizens’ arrest at the time and demands to be let go. However, according to other witnesses, nothing happened before Mr Manis screamed out ‘Stop right there criminal scum!’ and charged at the victim. Following being taken into custody, he revealed the reason for his actions was that he mistakenly believed the victim to be transgender. The victim has decided to press charges.”

According to follow-up social media posts from Edgar’s family, he has sold both his cars, including the Cybertruck, to try and fund his legal fees.

House Democrats Draft Incredibly Powerful Social Media Post

WASHINGTON — Motivated by the outcries of countless Americans, House Democrats assembled last night to collaborate and draft a powerful and damning social media post, our sources confirm. 

“It was an incredibly successful session, probably the most work we’ve gotten done all year.” said Rep. Donald Norcross of New Jersey sipping a celebratory cocktail in his chambers. “Next time Trump abuses his power, expect a swift retaliatory tweet that is sure to go viral.”

The outcome of the 2024 Election left the Democratic party’s image tarnished. As a result, liberal members of the House hired prestigious PR and social media teams to do damage control to win back the good will of their constituents. 

“Being a politician these days isn’t about getting legislation passed, it’s about going viral on Tik Tok by criticizing the very establishment they were elected to fix,” said Maddy Kilmer, the Democratic Party’s Gen Z social media liaison. “All I need to do is run the captions through ChatGPT a couple times, find the right Real Housewives or Kendrick Lamar audio, and get these old boomers to do an easy dance et voilà! They’re reelected for the next four years.”

As President Trump and the GOP run rampant on democracy, Democrats struggle to stay relevant, going as far as touring across battleground states six months too late, and even filibustering for over 24 hours on the Senate floor. 

“This administration has saturated the market with dangerous rhetoric, and our only way to fight back is to like and share this post with ten of your friends,” said House Democratic Leader Hakeem Jefferies in his latest Instagram reel. “And don’t forget to head over to my Youtube page to subscribe and ring the bell so you can be notified whenever a new episode of the Podcast drops.”

At press time, House Republicans have also amassed to draft reciprocal social media posts filled with xenophobia and whataboutisms.

“We Didn’t Watch Brain Rot When I Was Your Age” Says Millennial Who Can Recite Every YTMND Meme From Memory

MINNEAPOLIS, Min. — Brian Howard, 40, spent upwards of an hour fruitlessly explaining to his nephew that brain rot videos did not exist when he was a teenager, in spite of the fact he could easily recite every meme and sound clip from the website You’re the Man Now Dog, family members have confirmed.

“See, our irreverent and weird memes had substance. Not this mindless skibidi toilet or creepy YouTube family crap where there’s no subtext or commentary. Back in my day you could spend all day looking at memes online and feel more intelligent than when you started,” said Howard, whose pop culture references are made up entirely of YTMND quotes. “You kids today just regurgitate whatever crap you watch on TikTok and don’t even question how stupid it is! Seriously, look at all these Office Space pages I made in my teens. It’s called variations on a theme, buddy. This is a lost art.”

Howard’s nephew, Noah, was less than pleased to receive a lecture from someone he perceived as a brazen hypocrite.

“Uncle Brian thinks stuff like Ohio, rizz, and gooning are killing my brain? I don’t think he realizes I have access to the same websites he used to visit and what I’ve seen is shocking. He is one ‘Moon Man’ quote in a public setting away from being cancelled, and I’m not going to bail him out when it happens,” said Noah Howard. “He literally cannot read anything out loud without reciting like the Dramatic Reading of a Breakup Letter. I wish we just did normal things together, like look at new YTMND stuff, but he always complains it’s not the same. His brain isn’t capable of acknowledging internet content past 2011.”

Internet historians acknowledged that Brian’s situation is just a cycle repeating itself.

“Having been present for the immense expansion of the early internet, millennials look at their mindless indulgences and vernacular as still being relevant. But the oldest running joke in civilization is that you’ll wake up one day and believe all the kids are wrong,” said Mark Wallace. “And yeah, that does include believing 3D text over meatspin GIFs and random audio from Star Trek: TNG was the pinnacle of internet humor and shouldn’t have evolved before that. Which, as an older millennial myself, is completely valid. You just had to be there, okay?”

Brian spent the rest of the afternoon under intense pressure from his nephew to admit whether or not he participated in the Tide pod challenge.

Game Night: Climb For Your Life in ‘White Knuckle’

White Knuckle is a roguelite. I wish it wasn’t.

Now available on Steam Early Access, White Knuckle is a first-person horror game that drops you at the bottom of a massive ventilation shaft, connected to some unseen facility. Something has gone wrong and you have to escape, but the only way out is up. You have to scale the walls 50 meters at a time, using whatever handholds you can find or make.

Shortly after you start, the shaft slowly fills with a black liquid called the Mass. If you touch it, it absorbs you and your run is over. The Mass isn’t fast, but if you take too long to make your next move or you miss a jump, it’s always waiting to pull you under. You’ll occasionally reach an environmental seal in the shaft, but that only buys you some time.

There are other hazards, such as monsters that try to snare you with their sticky tongues (the developers admit Half-Life was an influence here), but most of my runs through White Knuckle have been about me vs. gravity, and the Mass.

There’s a deliberate lack of precision to both the game’s physics and systems, and you’re encouraged to stretch them both to the breaking point. If something looks like you can grab it, you probably can. If something might be in your reach, it probably is. You can only maintain your grip for so long, however, and you’ll frequently run out of obvious routes. Sooner or later, you have to improvise under pressure.

White Knuckle’s horror is, more than anything else, about that pressure. It has very little music and its sound effects are used sparingly. Every once in a while, you’ll hear a pre-recorded message from the facility’s PA system about local outages, which only hints at what’s happened. It’s quiet, but it’s intense, especially when some distant hiss or crash breaks the silence.

I don’t ordinarily enjoy this sort of first-person platformer, especially ones where I can’t see my character’s feet, but White Knuckle takes a freeform approach that cuts down on a lot of my usual issues.

You can grab almost anything in White Knuckle that has a distinct corner or edge, such as a railing or a crate, and you can use pitons, improvised rope spears, or chunks of rebar to create your own handholds on the fly. It’s messy, but it knows that and works with it. When it works, it works very well, although it occasionally breaks in unexpected ways.

My biggest surprise was that falling doesn’t kill you unless you end up submerged in the Mass, which takes some of the sting out of missing a jump. The real problem is that if and when you fall, it sets you back far enough that you’ve probably used up all your lead time. Now you get to race back up the nearest wall with a Lovecraftian oil spill on your heels.

As noted above, White Knuckle is launching into Early Access. This is a trip report from the earliest available version of the game, rather than a full review, since the game isn’t complete. According to its Steam page, the developers expect to be in EA for about a year.

With that in mind, I expect that the game’s roughest edges, such as a few under- or unexplained mechanics, will get addressed. White Knuckle does ask you to twist your fingers into the occasional knot, especially if you’re trying to use an item in mid-climb, and a couple of elements like its upgrade system are unnecessarily complicated.

My biggest issue, as I noted above, is that White Knuckle is a roguelite. Once you get past the first seal, the rest of your run appears to be a randomized selection of short hand-made maps. Some of those maps are much more difficult than others, and a few essentially present a hard stop to the run unless you’ve found and kept the right items.

More importantly, dying in White Knuckle is obnoxious. If you get killed, you’re sent all the way back to the beginning, and death can be cheap. While I get that the precarity is a deliberate part of White Knuckle’s tension, I’d argue that it doesn’t pair well with a game in which you can die from a single missed input. I’d be more comfortable with the overall experience if you got a quick-save every time you crossed a seal, or if you could load a fixed sequence of levels at the start of a run.

As it is, I’d argue White Knuckle is worth a look. You have to have a high threshold for both frustration and first-person motion sickness, but it’s quietly creepy with a solid hook. If it keeps up its current momentum, White Knuckle could be a decent sleeper hit, on the basis of doing a few simple things as well as it can.

[White Knuckle, developed by Dark Machine and published by DreadXP, is now available on Steam Early Access. This column was written using a code sent to Hard Drive via a DreadXP PR representative.]