LAS VEGAS — Tragedy struck at the Bellagio Hotel & Casino today, as the squished and dismembered carcass of beloved cultural icon Sonic the Hedgehog was discovered in the inner workings of a slot machine.
“Oh my god, I told him not to crawl in there anymore,” said an associate of the hedgehog, a flying squirrel that wished to remain anonymous. “He kept scurrying up inside and I would be so afraid but fuck me if he didn’t hit once in a while. I knew it felt dangerous, but he kept telling me it was fine and asked what the worst was that could happen. I guess we know now.”
Casino employees were disturbed by the incident, but reported that it was not an isolated one.
“We knew this was going to happen eventually,” said Vinny Bowen, a pit boss at the infamous resort. “These rodents crawl up into these machines, and I don’t know what the hell they’re doing exactly, but they’re robbing us blind. This business has changed a lot. Used to be you get a rat or a hedgehog in the machine, worst case scenario it fritzes out and you have to replace it. Nowadays, you could lose your whole ass in a wrongful death suit.”
The news of Sonic’s untimely demise was met with mixed emotions by Doctor Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik, a long time professional rival of Sonic’s.
“He’s really dead?” asked the mad scientist who has long aimed to take over the world. “I mean, I guess that’s pretty exciting, but still, sort of depressing to find out that some Grey’s Anatomy themed slot machine managed to do what I couldn’t for decades. Ah well, now that that pesky hedgehog is out of my way I may finally take over the world!”
As of press time, Sega was scrambling to find a replacement for Sonic in next year’s Winter Olympics in Beijing.
Like this article? Check out our merch store!
