ARENA, Wis. — Local father Andrew Nikket has become the first ever recipient of a Mad Catz pacemaker this week, the best he could afford with his job’s health benefit plan.
“There’s no way this is a good thing, right?” asked Nikket’s daughter, Naomi, upon receiving word that her father would be using a third party device to help his heart beat at a normal rate. “I mean I knew his insurance wasn’t great, but the thing was all bulky and covered in stickers. Why would you want something that shitty pumping your blood?”
Nikket’s family has questioned his decision multiple times, but Andrew has insisted that his new peripheral is nothing to worry about.
“When I was a kid, I had to ride my off brand bike eight miles to school each morning with a helmet that said ‘SONAC THE HEDGEHEG” Nikket explained. “I don’t need any name brand coddling. All pacemakers have bits of plastic rattling around inside all day. That’s just how pacemakers work.”
While public perception of Mad Catz and their products has not been traditionally been positive, the company maintains that they only manufacture quality products.
“What, you want some pussy ass pacemaker that doesn’t have Turbo Mode?” said Brady Mckenzie, a spokesman for Mad Catz. “If you wanna be a little bitch that’s fine, but our customers are looking for next level products. Most hospitals won’t even set up pumping macros, we’ve got that shit built in.”
It remains to be seen whether or not Mad Catz artificial organs are safe or still work after a month, but for now Nikket has stated that he is fine with a pointless red light blinking randomly in his sternum five to seven hundred times a day.
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