MAZOMANIE, Wis. — James K. Polk Jr. high school student Nick Epson released his hotly anticipated dad tier list of the year this week, placing his own father in S tier and your father far below in the bowels of D tier.
“Look, the current meta is all about mobility. My dad has a sweet pickup truck he lets me drive while yours runs around in a stupid minivan,” Epson said when asked to comment on his process. “I know you want your favorite character to be viable, but my research shows his stamp collection just isn’t gonna cut it this season.”
The list has proven to be quite controversial within the competitive dad community, with several members decrying it for blatant favoritism.
“Total bullshit,” reported classmate Jordan Lynch. “My dad could 100% kick Nick’s dad’s ass any day of the week. I bet Nick’s dad hasn’t even been to jail once, pussy.”
Epson claimed that Lynch was just salty because he hadn’t seen his dad in months, leading to inversely biased results. However, he did offer qualified praise for Mitch, a new challenger that was added to Epson’s list after his parents’ recent divorce.
“Oh yeah, Mitch is alright I guess,” said Epson. “He lets me drink beer sometimes which is cool. The character just hasn’t been out for long enough and mom might change things up, so I’m gonna wait to see what he gets me for Christmas.”
It remains to be seen how the list will hold up after the Labor Day patch, where Epson’s mom plans to take Mitch out for a long weekend of intimate research.
Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:
