BLACK EARTH, Wisc. — Local garage band The Cheetahmen has come under fire due to the fact that, much like their NES game namesake, they also play like shit.
“I dunno why I picked this name for the band,” said frontman Jordan Groshek, unloading his amplifier from the back of his van for another awful set. “I was playing some old ass videogames I swiped from a garage sale and found this one that just resonated with me, man. Everybody loves The Cheetahmen, right? It’s a classic!”
Much like the not-at-all beloved ’80s classic, the mediocre band meanders around from stage to stage without any clear objective while also being incredibly difficult to look at.
“We don’t really have traditional ‘instruments’, but we don’t need them, man. You ever seen Anamanaguchi? They make music with a real game console. We’re actually named after a classic game instead of having some weird gibberish name, so it makes even more sense for us to do that.”
The band’s standard set, which currently consists of Jordan playing custom-made Mario Paint tracks through an SNES while his drummer vapes in the parking lot, builds up to a show-stopping crescendo featuring a chiptune Nickelback instrumental with some spliced-in MIDI cheetah roars while Groshek hoarsely sings vaguely anarchist lyrics.
Local music venue owner and Groshek’s uncle Phillip Krause has been voicing his complaints about the band for years now.
“I really wish they’d stop trying to book stage time here,” said Krause. “I used to run sound for them when they first started out as a favor to my nephew, but I think I was wrong to encourage them. I let them stick around because I don’t want to just throw them out, but damn is it tempting sometimes. They just don’t hold up at all.”
Krause expressed further disappointment at his nephew’s musical endeavors after learning that Groshek was planning an ill-conceived and assuredly disappointing sequel to his current band called Cheetahmen II.
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