TUSCALOOSA, Ala. – Sniveling little coward Gerard Wilmerson declined to make any adjustments to his video games’ default controller settings, disgusted sources report.
“I don’t really have a strong personal preference when it comes to controls,” the spineless milquetoast admitted. “I just leave it to the developers and trust their judgment on the matter. I love to play video games, and I’ve never had any issues with controls to where I felt the need to adjust them in the menus. I see my friends poring over the settings before they start every game, and I guess that’s just not my style. Maybe one day I’ll gather the nerve to cater controls to my liking, but for now I’m happy just playing them as they come.”
Wilmerson’s friend Gina Carroway reacted to his faint-hearted timidity.
“Gerard really needs to toughen up and be more assertive with his gaming,” Caraway noted. “I play a lot of first person shooters, so of course the first thing I’m doing when I fire up a new game is inverting the Y axis. Gerard won’t even do that much, which is probably why he sucks so hard. I’ve seen him on the receiving end of Call of Duty’s final kill cam so many times I’ve lost count. I know he’s just trying to relax and have a good time, but sometimes it’s embarrassing being associated with him.”
Psychologist Gretchen Bierman provided her expertise on the situation.
“We like to think of gaming as a separate escape from the real world, but that’s not entirely accurate,” Bierman said. “People’s actions in video games are often a reflection of how they behave in their day-to-day lives, which can be a rather damning indication in many cases. Judging by his approach to video games, I’d say it’s more likely than not that Wilmerson is a totally lily-livered pushover in every other aspect of his life, and it’s right for his friends to feel shame and pass judgment on his inaction.”
At press time, the ineffectual weakling was entering his second hour of painstakingly adjusting the slider so the logo was barely visible.
