HOLLYWOOD — After signing a landmark deal with Paramount to bring Call of Duty to the big screen, Activision has tapped a relatively unknown, racist 12-year-old to direct, our sources close to the deal confirm.
“As a lifelong fan of the video game franchise, I will not be taking this responsibility lightly,” said David Ellison, Chairman and CEO of Paramount. “And I fully back Activision’s decision to hire an unknown director. I’ve seen his Twitch clips, and it’s clear he knows what makes COD accessible to the youth. We hired him immediately after he said he had intercourse with my mother during his interview, classic COD behavior that we need on the production side.”
This news comes just days after it was revealed that Hollywood legend Steven Spielberg was turned away by Activision to direct the motion picture.
“They said I couldn’t have complete control of the project, can you believe that?” Said Spielberg, “You’d think the guy who made Saving Private Ryan would be a perfect fit, but I’m happy for the kid they picked. COD is a young man’s game; it takes an iron will and strong constitution to listen to what’s said in those pre-game lobbies, and it’s even more of a challenge to translate that to the silver screen.”
The director in question, Gabe Matthews, has previously found success on YouTube Shorts and TikTok, making gameplay videos of verbally abusing female teammates and racially stoking strangers in game chat.
“It makes sense to hire a noob to direct the COD movie, the challenge will be tapping into the pent-up rage we all have when we get team wiped by hackers,” said Matthews during a Reddit AMA. “I can’t wait to bring the iconic COD characters to the cinema, like the Ninja Turtles, Michael Myers, and the T-800.”
At presstime, the film has cast Mel Gibson, Gina Carano, and Paula Deen to star in the film that is tentatively titled, “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare Black Ops 9: The Movie.”
