LOS ANGELES — The Roblox movie is finally happening, and it’s coming to Netflix, with Roman Polanski attached to direct. The latest video game adaptation was confirmed this afternoon in a joint press conference, featuring Netflix Co-CEO, Ted Serandos, and Roblox Co-founder and CEO, David Baszucki.
“Wow, I can’t believe we are making a Roblox movie,” Baszucki said, yucking it up on stage with Sarandos in their matching cream suits. “I thought, ‘A movie? If the kids are watching a movie, they aren’t playing the game.’ But then Teddy here reminded me, those dumb little shits are just putting it on as background noise while they play the game. This man is a genius. Why is he Co-CEO? Fire that other guy right out of a cannon and make Teddy king already, you boobs.”
Sarandos then took the podium to reveal additional details about the upcoming adaptation.
“We’re just going to phone this one in, cause you people will watch anything, or at least that’s what our inhouse stats will tell you,” Sarandos said before striking the head a match off the arm of a Netflix intern and then lighting his cigar. “We’re filming overseas for obvious reasons. We don’t have a cast yet. Maybe Chris Pratt? He won’t give us any fuss.”
In a Q&A following the announcement, multiple members of the press were quick to point out Polanski’s history of sexual assault. Baszucki fired back.
“Fun, we’re just going to keep going down this path,” Baszucki said, red in the face. “I’ll have you know most of the media outlets and most of the reporters that reported on Roman’s alleged crimes aren’t even around anymore. Why don’t you report that? You won’t. We want to talk about this exciting movie and all you want to do is talk about Roman. You want to talk about Roman being so bad, how about the fact that this could be his last movie? You ungrateful fucking swine.”
At press time, Chris Pratt had signed on to play the lead in The Roblox Movie.
