GALACTIC OUTPOST 673 — Residents of the Galactic Federation outpost held an emergency town meeting last night to determine how to tackle the issue of bounty hunger Samas Aran repeatedly blowing through school zones at 120 mph.
“We didn’t have any problems until Samus returned from her ‘business trip’ with that frightening motorcycle, which she insists on doing a buck twenty past the local middle school during pickup time. We know she’s done so much to protect the galaxy, which is why we’ve overlooked the unsightly space pirate viscera covering her ship or her space jumping across rooftops, but this is a serious problem,” said concerned parent Ryan Xylox. “The neighborhood watch has tried talking to her like a rational person, but all she does is flip us off while doing wheelies. If she doesn’t slow down, I’m getting the Superintendent involved, darn it!”
Samus dismissed the townspeople’s complaints outright.
“Boo fucking hoo. I didn’t go to school because I was too busy growing up in mountains and caves with bird people, so excuse me if Vi-0-La and I want to tear up some asphalt. If you want to blame anyone, it’s the city planner’s fault for putting a school on a 20 kilometer stretch of road. Where else am I supposed to open this baby up?” said Aran while doing donuts outside of the outpost’s 7-11. “These people are always looking for something to complain about. It’s all ‘no morph ball boosting’ or ‘no shinesparking’. Well next time Ridley shows up, they can call a different bounty hunter. Mama’s gonna ride her hog.”
Outpost police were well aware of the numerous complaints against Samus.
“We respond to multiple Samus related complaints every week but most of them end up being nothing, like walking her Metroid without a leash. This one though is a bit more serious, I mean she’s been riding that bike hard and someone’s kid is going to get hurt,” said officer Grant Henderson. “The only problem is that Samus literally does not give a shit about fines or jail time, plus she has some insane contract with the Federation so our hands are tied. If parents are concerned, I’d recommend home schooling before I get on Samus’ bad side.”
At press time, neighbors looked on helplessly after Samus began ramping Vi-0-La off of the school’s newly installed speed bumps for massive air.
