WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court ruled on Friday that bounty hunter Samus Aran must surrender all suit power-ups prior to the start of an upcoming mission, characterizing her acquisition of new gear as theft.
“Ms. Aran is an independent contractor who happened upon these power-ups in-mission,” Justice Clarence Thomas wrote for the majority in the 6-to-3 decision. “When it comes to the intellectual property of the Galactic Federation, ‘finders keepers’ goes out the window. Power-ups like Ms. Aran’s morph ball or her screw attack are not hers to keep and therefore, they shall be returned to the rightful owners upon mission’s end, usually indicated by some planetary explosion.”
While Aran is not new to losing powers at the start of a new mission, the court’s ruling goes a step further and strips the independent galactic bounty hunter of her power suit.
“I personally wanted to strip her of the zero suit as well, but it turns out she bought that with her own space money,” Justice Brett Kavanaugh said in support of the majority before shotgunning a Keystone Light beer on the steps outside of the Supreme Court Building. “We cannot have independent galactic bounty hunters running around with ice beams or power bombs. Sure, those power-ups make things safer for an independent galactic bounty hunter, especially with X Parasites running amok, but we have IP holders to consider.”
In a heated dissent, Justice Sonia Sotomayor wrote that the court’s ruling will set independent galactic bounty hunters back 40 years.
“Independent galactic bounty hunters have always had it hard, but it just got harder for them with the court thumbing the scale,” Justice Sotomayor wrote while the rest of the Justices attended Justice Kavanaugh’s post-session kegger. “Established galactic bounty hunters, with the backing of mega space corporations will be just fine. It is the smaller independent galactic bounty hunters who will suffer. They could be tracking down brand-new power-ups we have never heard of and taking on challenging new missions. Instead, they are tracking down their fifteenth Gravity Suit.”
At press time Aran had arrived on an uncharted planet for her latest mission and happened upon a cliffside door that was just out of her reach.
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