WASHINGTON — With SNAP benefits returning amid the end of the government shutdown, President Trump and Clash of Clans have partnered to add a new ad-based tier of benefits for all SNAP recipients, sources confirm.
“It’s with great pleasure that I announce the end of free government handouts! I have negotiated with the good folks at Supercell an “ad based,” have you ever heard of something like this? It’s never been done before. They’re calling it “ad based” benefits,” said the President in response to a question on the war in Ukraine. “Instead of just getting food stamps for nothing–like some of these illegal aliens are doing–you’re gonna have to watch a little tiny commercial on your phone from the great people at Clash of Clans.”
This abrupt restructuring of the EBT system has sparked chaos within the Capitol and across the country. Senators, Representatives, and experts are all arguing the logistics of such a capitalistically motivated sale of basic human rights.
“I do not know anything about this decision. I also do not know anything about Clash of Clans, I am not familiar with games on cell phones, and I do not know what President Trump is ever doing,” said Speaker Mike Johnson to the press. “But if this is something the President wants to do, then he has the right to do so. Americans voted for a mandate, and President Trump believes this ad for Clash of Clans will filter out the illegals that steal from hard-working Americans.”
Americans who need these benefits have grown frustrated by Democratic leadership, and now must waste their own precious time watching unskippable ads.
“I don’t give a fuck about raids, I don’t know what the hell a hog rider is, and I do not have the damn time to watch a video game ad everytime I need to feed my child,” said Michelle Luna, SNAP recipient and local D.C. resident. “And now my kids are hooked on the game, begging me to buy them gems so they can max out their town hall, meanwhile I can barely make rent this month!”
At press time, President Trump has announced a Clash Royal tournament will take place this December on the White House lawn.
This article is satirical. Hard Drive is a gaming/tech satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
