It’s Valentine’s Day and whether you’re a few dates in or just celebrating your golden anniversary, romancing your partner is a must. Here at WIRED we lay out the perfect eleven-step guide that will provide a “spark” to your relationship.
1- Install Linux
Initially released by Linus Torvalds in 1991, the Linux Operating System has become a foundational work in the world of computing. It drives 99% of the servers on the net, drives the apps on your Android phone, and this February 14th it’s going to drive your partner wild.
Start by downloading any number of free distributions and creating a disk partition before your lover gets home. Then, when they’re least expecting it show them the install wizard (or an empty command line if you’re building your own linux from scratch, you dirty devil!). The sexual tension will grow along with that install progress bar and soon they’ll be begging for you to show them what the “fsck” command does…
The “fsck” command checks the integrity of the filesystem.
2 – Master the Unparalleled Website-building Power of Visual Basic .NET
Now that the foreplay is over, it’s app time! Nothing turns bae on quite like watching a website get created from scratch with Microsoft’s premiere website framework. Try making a fun Valentine’s web app or go all out and build the next trend in social networking!
3 – Troubleshoot the Wifi
Even if the network is working normally, it’s always good to give your router a checkup. Troubleshooting your wireless devices is a turn on for just about anyone— igniting a sexual heat of forest fire proportions no matter your gender.
4 – Rip CDs with a Lossless Audio Codec
Copy some sexy tunes without sacrificing audio quality and save the compression for the bedroom.
5 – Install OpenBSD
We hear you—you want to install a POSIX-compliant operating system to wrench your lover’s loins this Valentine’s Day but Linux isn’t their thing. Try OpenBSD instead. You can even point out how much rarer it is for that exotic erotic tinge.
6 – Get into an argument on the forums
There not an experience in the world that gets those pants off faster than looking over your partner’s shoulder and seeing they are engaged in an explosive, all-out flamewar on the boards. Only one thing can calm down such a fevered discussion about the future of open source technology: hardcore lovemaking.
7 – Internet-connected Refrigerator
Spice things up with the Internet of Things. Rawr.
8 – Using a virtual machine to run Linux from inside of Windows
This might be too similar to #1, but if you’re taking things slower in your relationship consider just installing linux on a virtual machine to try it out. Some folks are turned on by playing it safe.
9 – Compiling your own version of firefox to take advantage of your specific hardware and then installing an ad blocker
What more is there to say? Get ready for a sexual avalanche if you do this.
10 – Hold a floppy disk and then say “Man, this thing is old” and laugh about it
Who says April Fools Day should get all fun? Break the ice this Valentine’s Day with a laugh at the expense of a floppy disk. Connecting over the shared experience of the progress of technology will bring you closer together and one step closer to the bone zone.
11 – Delete the System32 folder (very dangerous)
The ultimate expression of desire. There is no greater reward, but be careful: there’s no going back, either. Like any love worth its salt should be.
This article originally ran in the print edition of WIRED Magazine.
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