EIGHTH CIRCLE OF HELL — Only slightly diverging from their tried and true formula, the latest installment of Jubilee’s hit YouTube series Surrounded features twenty screeching, nightmarish demons debating against returning guest Charlie Kirk.
A right-wing activist and Donald Trump disciple, Kirk perished today and was immediately condemned to the bowels of Hades forevermore. Though Kirk was initially shocked to find himself in the eternal lake of fire, he remained confident in his ability to spar with his tormentors in the free marketplace of ideas.
“My first claim,” Kirk began, “is that I absolutely do not belong here, oh God in heaven, why has the good Lord forsaken me?”
In a rush to fill the open chair across from Kirk, the twenty demons waged an unholy war that razed kingdoms and burned skies. In the end, the victor was Baal, the false god of Jezebel, who greeted Kirk with a friendly handshake.
“Firstly, I just want to thank you for all the sinful work you performed in the earthly realm,” said Baal. “I actually have a lot of respect for you. When millions of Christ’s followers turned their virginal ears to you, you planted the black seed of hate in their hearts. You sowed discord amongst God’s people, causing the righteous man to despise and distrust his brother, who had done no wrong. Actually, now that I think about it, I guess that answers your question. I don’t know what else to tell you, man. The guys upstairs really frown on that type of thing.”
The demons later took turns raking their claws along Kirk’s uncalloused flesh for 50,000 years of unedited screentime before resuming with the next segment. “My second claim,” Kirk continued, “is that I do not enjoy everlasting suffering.”
Abaddon, destruction personified, took a swing at this.
“I get where you’re coming from and you’ve made some decent points today,” belched forth his words. Though Abaddon made no sound, all heard him. “I concede that having a great bird eat your liver just for it to grow back in a never ending cycle wasn’t my best work. Bit derivative. But once you’ve spent a few centuries wallowing in pestilence, picking at your leprous scabs, and cannibalizing your children, you’re gonna be singing a different tune, I promise.” However, after a particularly smug retort from Kirk, Abaddon recoiled in disgust at the sight of his smile.
“My third claim is that you should all turn to Jesus and repent,” Kirk said. The most striking response came from Legion, the one who is many, who rebutted Kirk’s point by cackling in a hundred voices for about thirty minutes. All the while, Kirk constantly tried and failed to get a word in. At the conclusion of this display, Kirk and the Jubilee film crew found that their ears were oozing black blood.
Kirk concluded, “My fourth and final claim is that trans women are not women.” None of the demons moved to argue with Kirk; instead, all twenty agreed with this claim unanimously. They were subsequently all slaughtered by a heroic man in power armor.
