WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT — On the night of September 9th at 10:30 PM Vice President JD Vance entered into yet another altercation with President Trump after staying up past his bedtime for the fifth night this week. Vice President Vance had spent the last 120 Hours playing a new Dating Simulator Date Everything!, attempting to speedrun a romantic relationship with the character Koa.
“He just has this really great energy about him! Those gorgeous arms that look almost hand carved, his scruffy little goatee, and I’m sure for other people it’s all about the cushions but I’m a notoriously classy and chivalrous guy. I can’t fully enjoy intimacy with a piece of furniture, cartoon or otherwise without first getting to know it.”
Vance continued to describe the character at length unprompted, salivating heavily while doing so. The mentioned character Koa is the human personification of a couch, described on the wiki as “a big guy with a relaxed, chill, and loveable vibe”. During the first 100 hours of Vance’s speed run the President expressed concern to the press.
“JD was a great kid, a great kid when we first brought him on to the team. But like many young men these days he’s taken to a digital lover. Can you believe this? These kids can’t have sex with any real furniture so they make a whole game where they can do it on the computer. It’s insane. That’s why we’re going to be getting rid of Medicaid.”
Other members of the GOP are more supportive of Vance’s endeavor. Mike Johnson, current record holder for the Dishy relationship speedrun and Speaker of the House, had this to say about Vance’s current grind.
“What sets this apart from other speed runs is the added level of vulnerability. When you’re speedrunning a Platformer or an RPG of course failure still hurts. But when you speedrun a dating sim each failure isn’t always a matter of skill and if you’re just unlovable some runs are even impossible for certain players, and that seems to be the problem JD is running into.”
At press time, Vance is nearing the 200 hour mark in his run showing no signs of nearing completion. President Trump is in the process of twiddling the 25th amendment in an effort to elect himself his own Vice President and collect two salaries.
