NEW YORK — One of the iconic Pizza Hut locations from 1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game has officially been transformed into a Chase Bank, disappointed sources confirm.
“We’ve just never had a tenable business model in this location,” former owner Dolores Hutchins lamented. “The Ninja Turtles are constantly walking left to right in front of the shop while fighting a constant stream of anonymous Foot Clan members. We’ve even had several instances of the bad guys setting fire to the interior of our restaurant before storming out to attack the Turtles. Customers have been afraid to step foot in this part of town, let alone enter a business that’s being terrorized by a gang of hoodlum teenagers. I honestly wish the best for this Chase Bank, but I can’t imagine they’re going to have better luck.”
Ninja Turtle Michelangelo was crestfallen at the news.
“What a total bummer, dude!” Michelangelo despaired. “Do you know how hungry I get from repeatedly flipping in the air before sharply turning downward in a gravity-defying kick, over and over again? Not to mention how much it takes out of me to get constantly punched by these Foot Clan geeks. I would always go back after defeating Rocksteady in April’s office to grab a pizza WITHOUT anchovies before heading out to the next stage. What am I going to do now, make a bank deposit?”
Video game expert Pamela Whitmore has seen this before.
“Businesses in video games are just as susceptible to market woes as they are in real life,” Whitmore explained. “Burger Shot in the Grand Theft Auto games almost went out of business when they refused to provide a plant-based alternative in Los Santos, and Umbrella Corporation is currently undergoing massive layoffs because of all the cuts to science we’re seeing under the Trump administration. We like to think of video games as an escape from reality, but unfortunately there’s no release from the capitalistic hell we’re subjected to on a daily basis.”
At press time, the Chase Bank had to close after Raphael threw a mouser through the front window.
