SEATTLE — In a massive win for the Amazon Labor Union, Jeff Bezos and Amazon corporate have agreed to begin offering their employees paid time on, our sources confirm.
“This is a huge leap forward on the grounds of warehouse workers rights,” says the Union’s lead defense attorney, Douglass Petersen. “But we’re not going to stop there, next on the list is stainless steel piss bottles, appropriate air circulation, and basic human rights.”
This stunning upset comes at the end of a long and drawn out hearing over litigious disputes made by roughly 40,000 warehouse workers across the US between June and mid-June of this year.
“The job has become mostly filing complaints,” says Seattle native and four year Amazon employee Dana Kulp. “See a cockroach? File a complaint. Slip on a pile of human feces? File a complaint. Find a disembodied finger? File a complaint.”
Outcries against these harsh working conditions have been championed across social media, but many have found it difficult to donate and support the ALU’s mission.
“I tried several times to Google how I can help, but I kept getting emails with a 20% off Amazon coupon and redirected to the Amazon Essentials page,” says former worker’s rights advocate Sabrina Knowels. “They even offered me a sponsorship deal if I deleted my account, and they can help you make a passive income too, just use my code SABS at checkout to learn more.”
At press time, Jeff Bezos has taken a percentage of the newly implemented paid time on as a wedding gift to himself.
