NEW YORK — Devastation came in the form of an enormous man in a goofy helmet Tuesday afternoon as Galactus, Devourer of Worlds took what he called a ‘tiny nibble’ out of the northern hemisphere of the planet, before spitting into his napkin.
“My gastroenterologist advised me to take smaller bites because consuming the energy of an entire planet at once was wreaking havoc on my bowels,” said the powerful purple planet-eater. “And it’s a good thing I did, because the taste was rancid. The flavor profile was confusingly both sour and bland. Absolutely dreadful. I hoped no one would notice me spit it out.”
The gigantic entity towering over the planet did not go unnoticed, however, as eyewitnesses across four continents saw the cosmic being make a stank face. Harold Gallagher of Queens watched the entire event unfold.
“Giant fuck-off cosmic being takes a bite outta everything south of Philly and just spits it out? The Earth ain’t good enough for you?” Gallagher said, seemingly unbothered by the cataclysmic event, “Next time he oughta come to New York for a slice or for some Italian food. Won’t spit that into his dainty little napkin.”
Some observers wondered why Galactus chose to bit that specific part of the globe, which once contained much of Delaware, Virginia, Maryland, and North Carolina. Doctor Reed Richards, founder of the Fantastic Four and foremost expert on Galactus explained.
“The only way to divert Galactus away from Earth was to trick him into eating the least palatable part,” Richards explained. “Unfortunately, the size of the bite was still larger than expected. My heart aches for the innocents lost, but their sacrifice has saved our planet.”
At press time, the President could not be reached for a comment on Doctor Richards’ unilateral decision, as the ruins of the White House now reside within the colossal napkin in Earth’s orbit.
