ITASCA, Ill. — In a stunning one-two punch to nostalgia, Microsoft announced late Wednesday that its long-suffering reboot of the critically acclaimed N64 game Perfect Dark is officially dead, a decision that, in a tragic ripple effect, has forced local eighth-grader Mike Hansen to call off his sleepover scheduled for Friday night.
“I know fans have waited years, but shifting market priorities require us to cancel the Perfect Dark reboot and shut down developer The Initiative as well,” said Craig Duncan, head of Xbox Game Studios from an undisclosed location due to threats to his life. “Accordingly, all scheduled nostalgic basement gatherings attempting to relive the magic of split-screen counter-operative first-person shooter games are likewise deemed out of scope. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause but we will not be offering a refund on any pizza preorders.”
Hansen was, noticeably and understandably, inconsolable.
“It was going to be a vintage game blow out! I got my dad’s N64 out of storage, bought the Perfect Dark expansion pak off eBay, dragged two La-Z-Boys down from the living room, and pre-loaded a Cool Ranch Doritos family bag into a bowl without a lid,” Hansen said, sniffling, after throwing a tantrum and smashing his brand new Switch 2. “Joey was going to bring his dad’s N64 so we could have Perfect Dark on one TV and Goldeneye on the other. I better text Dave and tell him he doesn’t have to lie to his mom and say that he is going to a church lock-in.”
Industry analyst, and longtime LAN-party survivor, Kayla Fremont explained the impact of the cancellation.
“Microsoft underestimates the delicate social ecosystem that ties AAA reboots to suburban semi-finished basements. A Perfect Dark cancellation isn’t just lost revenue,” Fremont explained, after letting her high-school friends know that her own N64 themed party was also called off. “It is the dissolution of the social fabric of in-person gaming culture. Kid’s rarely hang out face-to-face anymore unless it is a special occasion and now they are losing that opportunity.”
At press time, Hansen was reportedly circulating an emergency Plan B group chat for a sleepover focused entirely on a WWF No Mercy in honor of the upcoming SummerSlam. Only Joey has responded with, “I’ll check with my mom.”
