SAN MATEO, Calif. — Investors were relieved today after Roblox confirmed their latest scandal had nothing to do with pedophilia.
“False alarm everyone,” said David Baszucki, Roblox Corporation’s CEO. “Turns out it’s just terrorism. The Internet is home to all sorts of nutjobs sending death threats. Optics-wise, it doesn’t matter nearly as much when we ignore those lunatics as it does when we ignore the rampant spread of pedophiles across our platform.”
Roblox has suffered a turbulent week, from a terrorist attempting to stir up support within its platform, to anti-ICE protests which have sprung up across the game.
“I’ll pepper spray a child,” Baszucki affirmed to a reporter. “If that’s what it takes to put these rebellious brats down, then so be it. We’re willing to throw every resource we have to break the spirits of these children. Otherwise, they might grow up to be caring and empathetic.”
Roblox’s many recent scandals have so far avoided wide-spread scrutiny, but as the brand is known in almost every household across the country, even the government is taking a closer look.
“Rest assured we remain committed to creating safe experiences for children online,” said Ravage Punch, former Guantanamo torturer and current member of the Trump administration. “The kind where they can continue to slave away and make millions for the corporate overlords running the show. ”
At press time, the Supreme Court affirmed that acts of violence against ICE roleplayers constituted a felony.
