LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Maurice Johnson, 42, the newly appointed stepfather of a blended family in Arkansas, is enthusiastic about what he sees as a long-term role in the remake of the family structure. However, his stepchildren believe Johnson’s “remake” resembles more of a “remaster.”
“At first, we were excited about Maurice and his vision to bring this family into the current decade. But pretty soon we realized that what Maurice promised was really just a saturated version of what we already had. And I promise you, that wasn’t a good thing at all,” said Harry, 10, the youngest member of the family. “He didn’t actually change any of the clunky mechanics we grew up with under our previous dad. Maurice just sits on the couch all day, drinking beer and watching World War II documentaries. All that big talk about ‘the greatest family you’ve ever seen’ unfortunately didn’t hold up. Just as I suspected.”
Beth Johnson, a 40-year-old lawyer from Little Rock and Maurice’s new spouse, is equally bewildered.
“This is a nightmare. None of this is what Maurice promised four years ago,” she said. “I had high hopes that this relationship would be different this time around. All those lies about how this was going to be the best version ever, with countless enhancements to our broken family dynamics—I mean, how hard is it to fix Friday nights together? An ape could do it. Whatever. I’m downloading Tinder tonight.”
Maurice stated that he was confident that his contributions to the family were, in his words, “historical in some retrospect.”
“There is nothing better than watching D-Day re-enactments seven days in a row while drinking cold beer. I want to teach this family something and that’s loyalty and brotherhood. Those guys fought for the free world, and that is exactly what this family is going to do. At least I am. Did you know Hitler was a vegetarian? Neither did I,” Maurice declared, pausing to raise the volume on the television.
At press time, Maurice insisted that his stepchildren sign up for youth soccer, despite it being an entirely different multiplayer mode than they had played previously.
