WASHINGTON — Just days after his pledge to resurrect the defunct prison, Alcatraz, President Donald Trump has demanded the doors of the zombie-infested RPD to open to the public once again, our sources confirm.
“It’s been far too long since that hoax of a t-virus outbreak that was very minor and very insignificant compared to the China flu that I eradicated on day one,” said the President during an Oval Office press conference regarding updates on the ongoing trade war. “The great people of Raccoon City want to see the golden unicorn statue and slide down the marble staircase railings, and the low IQ Democrats don’t want that to happen, it’s sick and wrong!”
The President’s recent fixation on the shuttered police department came after being informed of a similar t-virus outbreak in Spain, originating in the Las Plagas parasite, stealing the United States claim to the zombie-making disease.
“The superior t-virus is a medical marvel that originated right here in the USA. The Umbreller Corporation, who have the biggest brains in pharmaceuticals, are doing a great job containing any outbreaks,” he said in response to a question regarding the timetable for the Epstein flight logs release. “It’s a great virus, it really is, we pumped Fetterman up with the stuff and he’s doing great, isn’t he folks?”
The RPD, which has been boarded-up since 1998, was at the epicenter of a t-virus outbreak that mutated tens of thousands of Americans into animated corpses. It has been labeled a biohazard and condemned, only evading complete destruction in hopes to contain any zombies that may still wander the halls.
In a recent post on Truth Social Trump wrote, ““For too long, America has been plagued by vicious, violent, and repeat MONSTERS, the dregs of society, who roam our streets and will never contribute anything other than Misery and Suffering. Closing the RPD was one of the WORST decisions made by the Radical Left Lunatics who want these zombies EATING YOUR PETS and DOGS.”
At press time, the President revealed that “Mr. X, big guy, strong guy, with tears in his eyes, approached me begging for the RPD to let tasty sacks of flesh back into his domain”.
