WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump promised on Sunday to increase tariffs on all foreign made popcorn buckets that can double as a sex toy.
“The Movie Industry in America is DYING a very fast and flaccid death,” said the President in a long and rambling post on Truth Social over the weekend. “Other Countries are offering all sorts of incentives to draw our VERY FERTILE men into theaters with silicone popcorn bucket toppers that are TOO SMALL for the average American man.”
The post was sent out on Truth Social only minutes after the President exited a matinee screening of Denis Villeneuve’s “Dune: Part 2.”
“He’s a year late but still demanded all the toys, cardboard cut-outs, and popcorn buckets from the film’s release,” said a White House movie theater attendee who makes slightly less than minimum wage. “He also demanded we complain about the 2024 ‘Biden economy’ and how he’s the reason movies like this won’t succeed anymore.”
Trump’s fixation with the film industry came only days after his remarks at a White House press briefing regarding an expected doll shortage for the spoiled little girls of America.
“It’s difficult for the President to grasp complex socio-political topics, so we break it down to him in terms he can understand,” said the President’s Chief of Staff, Susie Wiles. “Toys, movies, pencils, sharks, windmills, and tattoos are just a few of the terms President Trump gravitates towards. He’s got a big, beautiful brain capable of so much, we are so lucky.”
The fuckable popcorn bucket industry, which is based primarily in China, welcomed the 100% tariff as it is 145% less than the nationwide tariff promise Trump made just a few weeks earlier.
“The viral sensation of the Dune popcorn bucket is too profitable not to eat this insane price hike,” said AMC CEO Adam Aron. “We come to this place for magic, we come to AMC theaters to laugh, to cry, and to stick our penises into a buttery pocket pussy sold at the concessions counter.”
At press time, President Trump had commissioned Elon Musk to have Tesla pioneer an American made alternative to the popcorn bucket that can be used in all of his computer cars.
