AUSTIN, Texas — Elon Musk, mascot and “co-founder” of throwback automotive company Tesla, disappointed shareholders yesterday by announcing further delays to his development of full self awareness.
“It’s not going to happen this year,” the social-media-addicted fifty-something father of at least fourteen reported on an earnings call, “but I am confident that my cognitive and emotional shortcomings, my deep-set trauma and lifetime of disturbed coping mechanisms, and the basic fact that I am an adult man whose actions have consequences will all become clear to me by the second quarter of next year. Third at the latest.”
“I am aware, for example, that people hate me,” he continued, pausing interminably before speculating that this was likely due to his status as a “deadly threat” to a perceived “woke mind parasite” and the “humans” it allegedly “controls,” referring to the estimated 53% of Americans that, according to recent CNN/SSRS polling, think he’s a clown-ass bitch.
This theory was met by angry murmurs, audible groans, and at least two distinct come-the-fuck-ons from investors on the call. Hundreds of thousands likely to die in immiserated poverty due to unfulfilled U.S.A.I.D. commitments, each of them as individually real as Elon himself and made of the same stardust, were not invited to comment.
Many Tesla stakeholders expressed disappointment at the delay.
“When I first bought my Model X, I expected Elon to deliver some semblance of self awareness at some point,” said an anonymous former fan with a paper bag over his head. “It’s been years since he called that cave-diving hero a pedo, and then he got into the Trump shit, and now there’s a gaming rig in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. We’ve clearly hit a hardware plateau.”
Other commenters adopted a glass half full attitude toward the delay.
“If anyone can achieve full awareness someday, it’s Elon,” tweeted podcaster Lex Fridman. “The more we can love and cherish and express empathy for billionaire authoritarian psychopaths, the more we can…” at which point this reporter punched a hole through his iMac and was unable to finish reading the tweet.
Despite claiming substantial progress, at press time, Musk was reportedly still asking a couple DOGE interns if they’d seen Tiger King yet and bragging that he could score them some beers.
