WASHINGTON — In an Oval Office address, President Trump has announced sweeping new tariffs against the Pikmin homeworld.
“For decades these so-called Pikmin have taken advantage of our great American workers,” said Trump. “Aided by the communist Democrat party and at least one pink-haired girl astronaut, they have illegally and viciously dumped foreign fruit into our beautiful free markets. They’ve also been seen smuggling suspicious electronic devices into our beautiful country, all while solving little environmental puzzles and evading very cute monsters. Not anymore. The chaos ends today.”
According to one prominent expert, Trump’s proposed tariffs could have an immediate impact on supply chains worldwide.
“The President doesn’t seem to realize how much American companies depend on Pikmin labor,” said Captain Olimar, the Hocotatian spacefarer who made first contact with the creatures when he crash landed on their planet. “Pikmin are ideal workers – they don’t take breaks, they don’t need to eat. Hell, the yellow ones fucking love to get electrocuted at work. Try finding that in Cleveland.”
SpaceX CEO and Trump ally Elon Musk applauded the policy change, citing interest in someday colonizing the economically weakened Pikmin civilization.
“The [Pikmin] planet seems perfectly able to provide the single daily bottle of fruit juice that humans like me need to survive,” said Musk. “Plus, there is no woke nonsense about labor unions or child support or not boofing ketamine. It’s great. It’s like some genius just walked around his garden and daydreamed the whole thing into existence.”
At press time, one whistleblower from within the Trump administration had accidentally summoned dozens of Pikmin to his side.
