EVERETT, Mass. — Father of three Paul Danvers announced he has ceased dispensing guidance unless his adult children pay up, according to intrigued neighborhood dads.
“When my kids were young, I freely doled out my advice,” said Danvers. “But now that my youngest has turned 18, things are changing. I’ve got five decades of accumulated wisdom, and if they want to continue to tap into it, they’re going to subscribe to one of the plans I’m offering. The Economy program is only $10 per month, and entitles subscribers to access my knowledge concerning basic topics like car repair and sports, while the Gold level gives access to the full breadth of my wisdom. This includes advanced home repair, investing tips and even bonus ‘atta boys’ and ‘atta girls’.”
Danvers’ youngest child Lucy was disappointed when her father’s advice was abruptly cut off.
“Dad always gave us great advice when we were growing up, but I guess at some point he realized he shouldn’t be giving this stuff away for free,” said Ms. Danvers. “I decided I’m willing to pay for the Intermediate tier just so I can continue to go to him for his input on important issues. Like last week, I was put in charge of the grill at our sorority cookout and his tips saved the day. However, when I recently asked for his opinion on my new boyfriend, dad told me that sort of content is only available to Gold tier members.”
Ethan Swain, host of a motivational ‘grindset’ podcast, applauds Danvers’ ingenuity.
“It’s the 21st century, dog,” said Swain from somewhere within a thick vape cloud. “It’s not enough just to have a side hustle. Your side hustle needs a side hustle. So if this dude figured out a way to commodify something that most people give away for free, more power to him. I say don’t stop there. He should put together a pitch deck, get some angel investors and launch an app to make it easy for other dads to monetize their advice. You never leave money on the table.”
At press time, Danvers had informed his children of price increases across all tiers and the inclusion of ads with the Basic membership.
