For months, the dredges of the internet have taken to Twitter to decry the Assassin’s Creed franchise. No, they don’t have genuine criticisms toward its infuriating microtransactions or Ubisoft’s management’s treatment of its staff. They’re upset that there’s a black character in the latest game.
Now sure, the anti-woke crowd breaks down into fits of crying if their toast comes up too brown, but I’ve decided to do my journalistic due diligence. It’s finally time for someone to dive into this franchise and question just how accurate it is to the history of our world.
Spoilers for Assassin’s Creed follow.
Assassin’s Creed
The game that started it all. We kick off the franchise with Altair, master assassin, who screws up so badly he gets booted down to the minor leagues. His only shot at redemption? Mass murder.
Oh, and Nolan North is here, playing some edgy guy who is reliving his ancestor’s memories?
In terms of depiction of the period, solid stuff. However, it’s unbelievable that Altair, a C-Suite employee, would be punished and demoted for a cock-up that got innocent people killed, so I shall be deducting points.
RATING: 7/10
Assassin’s Creed: Altair’s Chronicles
Known colloquially as “Assassin’s Creed at home”. We once again follow beloved protagonist Altaïr as he faces off against Lord Basilisk in a race against time to find a dangerously powerful artefact: the Chalice. Spoiler alert, the chalice turns out to be a woman. A literal trophy wife. Mad points to the devs for the blatant yet historically accurate sexism.
The pixelated quality also provides a much more accurate depiction of what the past actually looked like (providing you can ignore that everything isn’t black and white).
RATING: 7.5/10
Assassin’s Creed II
The unexpected sequel to the Assassin’s Creed: Lineage series, Assassin’s Creed II throws us into the shoes of Ezio Auditore da Firenze in his quest to slay all the evil rich people who killed his good rich people family.
What else can be said about this brilliant work of historical fact? Leonardo da Vinci’s side hustle as an arms manufacturer, the holographic projectors beneath the Papal Palace (look it up, it’s real), the magical, world-ending fruit, and of course, heavyweight boxing champion Pope Alexander VI.
Raging Bull, eat your heart out. Finally, a game delivers on its promise of accurate historical representation, and allows me to fulfil my lifelong fantasy of beating up a pope in a fistfight.
RATING: 9/10
Assassin’s Creed: Bloodlines
Bloodlines presents several unfortunate inconsistencies with reality. The intro cutscene depicts Altaïr (he’s back, baby) killing a man instantly by stabbing him in the shoulder. Several seconds later, Altaïr reveals the ability to utilize his fellow human like a springboard to ascend several metres into the air. Cool as hell, sure, but when I tried doing it the only things that ascended were lawsuits against me.
RATING: 4/10
Assassin’s Creed II: Discovery
What do you mean this title wasn’t released for the GameBoy Advance?
Discovery sees us resume the role of Ezio Auditore da Firenze, specifically between Sequences 12 and 13 of Assassin’s Creed II. Yes, you need to play this DS title in order to achieve a full understanding of ACII. In a romp across Italy and Spain, Ezio protects future colonizer Christopher Columbus and spares the life of Spanish Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada (to quote Brennan Lee Mulligan: “one of history’s greatest villains”).
Unfortunately, Discovery suffers from many glaring flaws. For one, three-dimensional space has been a constant since the Greeks discovered we didn’t need to walk around like it was Paper Mario. Discovery only makes use of two-and-a-half dimensions. In addition, Discovery also allowed players to snap pictures of themselves and place them on in-game wanted posters. I haven’t been caught for any of my crimes yet, and thus deem this unacceptably inaccurate.
RATING: 2.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood
Also known as Assassin’s Creed II 2.
Ezio returns once more, freshly bloodied from his title match against the Pope, in order to train people in the noble ways of contract killings and defeat Cesare Borgia, Lord of Incest.
As much as I love it, the game does have some glaring faults. For one, the game is called Brotherhood and yet Ezio’s brothers all got yeeted in the previous game. As we’ll also see in the next entry, there’s a massive anachronistic fault that cannot go unpunished. Finally, Ezio gets shot so hard in the game’s opening sequence, he loses his abilities, armor, and cash. Samus Aran wouldn’t be born for a few thousand years, so I’m deducting points for using her trademark this early.
RATING: 5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Project Legacy
You know a game is hard to track down when the YouTube Channel Assassin’s Creed Series doesn’t have footage of it. Project Legacy was a Facebook game that integrated with Brotherhood, allowing Ezio to order assassins and purchase property while out on the town. The game was removed from Facebook after known Templar Mark Zuckerberg accused it of “violating the terms of service”.
Unfortunately, Facebook would not bring about the downfall of civilization for another five-hundred years. And while Ezio might have had access to reality-warping fruit and holographic projections of MILFs, he certainly didn’t have any 4G in Rome.
RATING: 1.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Revelations
The final game in Ezio’s storyline. Totally. We never see him again after this.
Assassin’s Creed II 3 sees Ezio on the trail of Altair, seeking to recover ancient doctor-repelling technology. All while Nolan North continues to be an edgy boy in the present day.
So what’s the issue with Revelations? The complete unbelievability of its ending. Ezio leaving behind the ultimate power, rather than use it for his own selfish benefit? Maybe in the fantastical land of video games, but here in real life we stab our morales and drag them into the nearest haybale.
RATING: 1.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Multiplayer Rearmed
An Adobe Flash lookalike that somehow escaped the hells of Miniclip, Multiplayer Rearmed asks the age-old question of “What do we do with all these leftover assets from DND night?” The answer is to create the greatest multiplayer game ever conceived. And by greatest, I mean the most barebones version of AC’s multiplayer that you can find.
Multiplayer Rearmed presents several historical anachronisms. For one, the game is presented entirely from a birds-eye’s camera angle. Second is the fact that the map is filled with copies of the same four characters. Finally, and most shockingly, there must be at least two players in a match, else it ends early. Very disappointing for us introverts who die in the presence of others.
RATING: 3/10
Assassin’s Creed: Recollection
Assassin’s Creed recollection was, as you might have guessed, an all-in-one game comprised of previous titles in the fr-
It’s not?
It’s actually a mix of a card game, art gallery, and app-store? And also happens to contain the ending of Ezio’s story?
In terms of historical accuracy, Recollection definitely suffers. The idea that the Assassins and Templars would settle their differences over what basically amounts to Yu-Gi-Oh is hilarious, but I’m pretty sure Ezio would just reach over the table and stab his opponent while he picked up his opening hand.
Part of me also wants to call out the fact that Abstergo employees seeking to unlock the lost memories of assassin ancestors would need to purchase microtransactions to pull the cards to do it. However, this is absolutely a business practice Abstergo Industries would implement if they existed in real-life, and thus I commend them on their accuracy.
RATING: 6.5/10
Assassin’s Creed III
Possible conflict of interest here: I am British. I understand most of our audience is American. Firstly, my condolences for, well, everything. Secondly, me playing this game would be considered by some as “cruel and unusual punishment”. Killing my racist, colonizing ancestors?
SIGN ME UP!
RATING: 8.5/10
Assassin’s Creed III: Liberation
“The left are trying to censor free speech!” The Templars scream, before censoring free speech.
RATING: 9.5/10
Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag
The best one.
RATING: 9/10
Assassin’s Creed: Pirates
“Abstergo, can we get Black Flag?”
“We have Black Flag at home.”
Ubisoft very much enjoys their smartphone/tablet exclusives, and Pirates is just the latest of them. Here you assume the role of French pirate captain La Buse, who uses his psychic powers to violently jerk the ship back and forth, fire the cannons at, and summon harpoons from the ether to slay whales.
While psychic powers are a mainstay in the franchise, I do have to criticize Pirates for character interactions offered only in the form of PNGs, as well as a complete lack of drag (the air resistance variety, though drag entertainment would also have been welcome).
RATING: 5.5/10
Assassin’s Creed Rogue
The prequel to Unity that no one asked for. Rogue puts us in the shoes of lovable centrist Shay Patrick Cormac, who doesn’t like the fact that the Assassins kill the fascist Templars instead of engaging them in robust debate. After he kills a bunch of innocent civilians by accidentally causing an earthquake, he blames his assassins buddies and makes it his life mission to kill everyone he was ever close to.
Oh, and if the player chooses, they can also kill more innocent civilians.
Hilariously the modern storyline has Abstergo brought low by a computer virus. It also has a tech bro stamping out any threat to their corporate overlords. I’d honestly give this game a 10 for historical accuracy, if it weren’t for the fact it sets up the events of the next game…
RATING: 7/10
Assassin’s Creed Unity
The year is 2011. Yves Guillemot, CEO of Ubisoft, awakes in a cold sweat. No, it’s not the toxic environment in the workplace that bothers him. He’s buried that well enough. It’s something worse. He gathers the board and delivers the message he received in his dreams:
“Marie Antoinette was right. They could have eaten cake.”
Assassin’s Creed Unity is a bold attempt to rewrite history, framing France’s royal family not as these greedy monsters who allowed their people to starve, but instead innocent victims in the machinations of a radical Templar (because the regular Templars’ fascism was fine). We join Arno Dorian, class traitor, in his attempts to ensure the poor stay poor and prevent the French Revolution.
Y’know, the French Revolution? A glorious example of the masses rising up against the rich and powerful? Well here it’s instead presented as a bad thing because “those benevolent royals were stopping regular people from running things, and some of those regular people might be evil.”
Part of me wants to joke about the game’s performance issues and frequent crashing. I’m above such things. Besides, the story’s enough of a car crash as it is.
RATING: 0/10
Assassin’s Creed: Arena
“But Amity,” I hear you scream into the ceaseless void, “they never made a video game called Assassin’s Creed: Arena.” First of all, don’t you dare speak without my permission. Second, you are correct. But the title of this article isn’t All Assassin’s Creed Video Games Ranked by Historical Accuracy. It’s All Assassin’s Creed Games Ranked by Historical Accuracy. Arena is a board game, and thus counts.
But is it accurate? Of course not. The world of Arena operates under the “turn-based” timestream. Players race against one another, assuming the role of cardboard figurines, in order to be the first to assassinate their circular cardboard target, whilst avoiding guards who may only move when a card decrees it so.
RATING: 4/10
Assassin’s Creed Freedom Cry
Finally getting to some Kingdom Hearts style titles here. In all honesty though, that’s the only joke I’m going to make. This game rules. You get to butcher slavers. No notes.
RATING: 9.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Memories
“We must gather the lost memories of ancient assassins. Quick, fire up the Animus!”
“No need. The card game will suffice.”
Assassin’s Creed: Memories is the result of 23andMe and a tech bro’s torrid love affair. Instead of sneaking into the heart of a target’s castle, evading patrols and utilizing all your cool gadgets, it’s so much more fun to tap the “Eliminate Guards” button ten times over, with an arbitrary percentage of success (if you’re not spending money that is).
But don’t worry, fellow Assassin fans. We have gameplay. You get to chase after your target by tapping the screen as fast as you can!!! Relieve the suffering of assassin’s past as you inevitably shatter your iPad’s screen while failing to catch some model ripped straight out of Superhot.
RATING: 1/10
Assassin’s Creed Syndicate
Headed down to London town to bust union busters. We join Jacob and Evie Frye, assassin twins who attempt to save the city of London. Trust me, it’s not worth it.
We’ve obviously had plenty of interaction with historical figures before, but Syndicate really feels like someone in the writer’s room wrote a fanfic about their personal adventures with just about every famous person from British history. You’ve got your Alexander Graham Bells, your Queen Victorias, and let’s hear some noise for the 7th Earl of Cardigan. The stuffiest version of Super Smash Bros: Ultimate you’re likely to play.
RATING: 7/10
Assassin’s Creed Chronicles: China
Chronicles: China is the first in a trilogy. We play Shao Jun, last of the Chinese Brotherhood of Assassins, as we seek revenge on the (you guessed it) Templars for (you guessed it) killing our friends.
Now I’ve told a lot of jokes over this article, but I want to take a very serious look at the game and truly dive into its historic-
Holy shit is that Ezio Auditore da Firenze??
RATING 8.5/10
Assassin’s Creed Chronicles: India
Chronicles: India provides us with a truth that many of us had suspected. The British crown houses the stolen Koh-i-Noor, the most powerful Piece of Eden ever crafted. Suddenly, the British Empire’s existence makes a lot more sense. No, I will not hear any evidence to the contrary.
RATING: 8.5/10
Assassin’s Creed Chronicles: Russia
The one where the Assassins are responsible for the October Revolution. Glory to our hidden blade comrades.
RATING: 10/10
Assassin’s Creed Identity
In a franchise that likes to shake up its core gameplay every couple of titles, calling a game Identity is a self-own stronger than anything I could ever come up with.
RATING: 4/10
Assassin’s Creed: Origins
Oh boy, Origins.
First of all, an element worthy of praise: Origins does have an amazing Discovery Tour feature, allowing players to learn about the wonderful history of Ptolemaic Egypt without the threat of Templars kicking their shit in.
However, Origins has a very subtle, hard to notice anachronism that does dampen the experience a little bit. Y’know, the massive fuck-off virtual store peddling microtransactions. The intangible merchant through which protagonists Bayek and Aya can trade a player’s real cash for “Helix credits” (famed currency of Egypt), which can be spent on equipment.
If only Caesar had spent a few Helix credits on some better gear, he might have won the Brutus boss fight.
RATING: 4/10
Assassin’s Creed Unity: Arno’s Chronicles
Not to be confused with the Chronicles trilogy. We once again find Arno “I’m joining the class war on the side of classists” Dorian in his quest to ensure the working people get their daily taste of boot polish. Like our protagonist’s morals, the game is completely flat. We’ve already established the inaccuracies with such a depiction, and the game will be punished accordingly.
You may note that I haven’t really described the gameplay here. There’s a reason for that. As if to invest us in his pro-capitalist morals, Arno’s Chronicles is an exclusive for the HONOR smartphone. That’s right, you have to buy a specific brand of phone to play this game, further cementing Arno as the worst Assassin’s Creed protagonist.
RATING: 0.5/10
Assassin’s Creed Odyssey
“SPARTAN KICK!” I yell, yeeting an assassin off a rooftop.
“SPARTAN KICK!” I yell, throwing some poor swabbie into the drink.
“SPARTAN KICK!” I scream at the microtransaction store. I miss. The virtual goods peddler dangles some better gear in front of me, for the low price of 2,000 Helix Credits. Maybe if I buy it, I might beat it.
RATING: 1.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Rebellion
Everyone recalls the post-credits scene at the end of every Assassin’s Creed game, right? The promise that Ezio Auditore and friends would return in Assassin’s Creed: Rebellion? No? Just my fanfiction? Alright then.
Rebellion is what would happen if Funko ever got their rigid, plastic hands on the Assassin’s Creed franchise. Join Ezio and others as you forge a new brotherhood
Rebellion is unfortunately hampered by a few specific details. First of all, outside of a few core faces, Rebellion is entirely populated with Original Characters Do Not Steal. I don’t know about you, but the only people who actually existed are those who get their names written in history books. Also,
RATING: 2.5/10
Assassin’s Creed III: Remastered
Now I know you’re probably confused why we’re covering this game again. It’s just plain old Assassin’s Creed III, right? WRONG! The remaster saw fit to include The Tyranny of King Washington, an entirely canonical event in America’s history. I finally get to put that old racist in the ground, saving America from a dictator rising to power and unleashing hell upon its unsuspecting citizens.
RATING: 10/10
Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY’RE STILL DOING MICROTRANSACTIONS!?
I’m aware that accurate portrayals of Viking culture are rare in the modern day, but I’m pretty damn sure they weren’t summoning armor, weapons, and settlement furnishings through the almighty power of Helix Credits.
RATING: 1/10
Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood of Venice
And we arrive at our second Assassin’s Creed board game. Not going to lie, it looks awesome. I wish I’d backed the original Kickstarter, instead of going for the Darkest Dungeon board game. Five years later and I still don’t have it.
Unfortunately, Brotherhood of Venice has overlooked a key historical detail. While people were certainly shorter back then, Ezio was most certainly taller than the miniature provided. I was also fairly certain he wasn’t made out of resin, but Rebellion did prove me wrong on this point. Props to Brother of Venice for the continuity here.
RATING: 5.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Mirage
Literally unplayable if you haven’t seen the MCU.
RATING: 2.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Nexus VR
Well well, look who came crawling back to Facebook. Nexus VR was a virtual-reality game released for the Oculus Quest 2 and 3 (yeah, I called it the Oculus Quest, what are you gonna do about it?)
However, the historical accuracy is jeopardized by one massive flaw. I’m in control. I’m not a master assassin. I can make a leap of faith down two steps before I wreck my knees. The only hidden blade I wield is the one in my kitchen drawer. Every time I try to alter reality with the Piece of Eden, I get laughed out of the supermarket’s fruit section.
RATING: 0.5/10
Assassin’s Creed Shadows
Shadows introduces a bold new mechanic: the ratio assassination. Eat shit, Musk and Grummz.
RATING: 11/10
