WASHINGTON D.C. — Fans of musical theatre and historical hip-hop are rejoicing this week as the Kennedy Center announced that their upcoming production of Hamilton would feature an exclusively white cast based on meritocracy.
“It’s something we’ve wanted to do for a long time, but the temperature of the room was never quite right for merit-based casting, if you catch my meaning,” said executive producer Jarold Stevens, appointed by Kennedy Center Chairman, Donald Trump, three days before the announcement. “The original show just reeked of reverse-racism to me. I argued with my teenage daughters for years that the original casting didn’t make sense because they looked nothing like the founding fathers. It was an obvious case of race-based casting. While dropping them off at their mom’s house, they said I ‘didn’t get it’ and accused me of reverse-reverse-racism, which is almost as bad as reverse-racism.”
“Luckily, our new chairman is much more open-minded about theatre,” he said, referring to Chairman Trump. “All I’m saying is if they can do The Wiz, then Hamilton with actors who look like the founding fathers should be fine too.”
When asked what he meant by ‘they’, Mr. Stevens refused to comment. Despite the controversies, an exciting star-studded cast list was announced earlier this week via TruthSocial.
“Once everyone sees the raw hip-hop talent we’ve pulled together, the audience won’t be able to tell the difference,” said casting director Bernice Claire. “We’ve got Kid Rock as Hamilton, Lil Dicky as Aaron Burr, the two remaining Beastie Boys somewhere in there, and then of course beloved olympic breakdancer, Raygun, as Elizabeth Schuyler. We’re so excited to finally see what a merit-based cast of Hamilton looks like.”
Outside of the theatre community, scholars have been celebrating this brave new depiction of America’s roots.
“Does Kid Rock look more like Alexander Hamilton than Lin-Manuel Miranda? I mean, I guess,” said renowned American Revolution scholar, Dr. Charlene Seville of NYU. “If the only way you’re measuring ‘merit’ is by how much melanin they have, then sure, Kid Rock is more qualified to play Hamilton than Lin-Manuel Miranda, but I’d hardly call that an endorsement.”
At press time, the president has declared any boycott of this show to be ‘illegal’ and threatens deportation to anyone not engaged in a 30-minute standing ovation.
