As an avid gamer who has played Call of Duty: Black Op II every day for the last 13 years, I’d like to think I have pretty good taste. I mean, once you’ve played the greatest game of all time, why bother trying anything else? It’s a sentiment my editor refuses to discuss with me. Instead, because he’s spiteful and has never known joy, he’s making me write reviews for the site and forcing free copies of lesser games onto me. It’s awful, but the job market is crap out there, so my hand is forced. Now I venture out looking for the impossible, a video game better than Call of Duty: Black Ops 2.
Monster Hunter Wilds is the 27th entry in Capcom’s long running series. Hard to believe it took them 20 years and all those iterations just to get here. Compared to Activision only taking nine entries to get to perfection in the form of Call of Duty Black Ops II (if you want to get technical it only took Treyarch four games in six years). I’ve not played any previous Monster Hunters but if Wilds is any indicator, it’s safe to say you can skip the entire series.
Third-person action is an oxymoron. There’s no action in standing behind a character as they swing a big sword around like an idiot. Action happens in the first person. If I can’t watch the bullet leave my scoped SCAR-H and enter the dome of some scrub-ass poser with a K/D under 1.0 what’s the point? Monster Hunter Wild’s weapon spread is ridiculous in a bad way. All of these swords, hammers, and axes are impractical. My little guy shouldn’t be able to carry this hammer that’s double his size. It’s not possible, Capcom.
WIlds tries to appeal to hardcore gamers like myself by including guns in its arsenal of weapons. These guns do not look or sound like real guns at all. The Heavy Bowgun (awful name) looks like a Nerf gun I’d find at my little cousin’s house. Black Ops II is still the peak of guns in games. The guns are real in both past and future missions. In fact, just about everything you see throughout Black Ops II is real (sure, we don’t have Nano Gloves yet, but they’re coming).
Fictionalized weapons are the least of Wild’s problems. I’ve got bad news for everyone. Monsters aren’t real, especially these monsters. I looked up each of them on Wikipedia and can confirm that none of these monsters exist in our world. You know what is real? Zombies. I’ve seen one myself. My uncle took some bath salts and attacked my cousin and me back in 2014. Thankfully we had my cousin’s Nerf gun and were able to beat my zombified uncle to death with it. Games need to feel realistic. When you force me to fight monsters that I’ll never see in real life it just takes me out of the experience.
You can cook in Wilds, which seems like a waste of time. I don’t cook in real life, I’m not going to suddenly get an itch to cook some fictionalized steak. You hold the meat over a fire of course, because in this game you have magic, but no access to a microwave. Hold on, my hot pockets are done.
Okay, I’m back. You also eat to regain health, which is not how the human body works at all. We all know if you’re hurt, you just need to duck down somewhere and wait until you feel better. Oh, wait, I forgot my Mountain Dew in the other room.
Back again. You know, not including some kind of double XP partnership with Mountain Dew seems like a missed opportunity here.
Capcom also seems to be confused about how boats work. Let me speak to the dev team directly here. Hey guys. I’m sure you’re all super busy crunching on this game, but boats don’t go on sand. They go on water. Hopefully you can get that right in the sequel. Again, the game’s inability to pull me in, ties back to the lack of realism throughout the campaign. You can play through the game with friends, but I’d rather not drag my friends into this mess. I also don’t need them roasting me for playing this.
Monster Hunter Wilds never had a chance. Its fake guns, fake monsters, failed attempts to make me cook, lack of double XP, lack of realism, and increasing the chances of me getting made fun of for playing it keep it far, far away from ever dethroning Call of Duty: Black Ops II as the greatest of all time. Let’s give Capcom another 20 years to rethink this series.
