It’s the most romantic time of the year! Of course, we all know that Valentine’s Day is just a big capitalist plot to sell you candy and overpriced Hallmark cards, and it doesn’t actually mean anything and it’s totally fine that some of us forgot to get anything for our significant others.
But as long as we’re all playing the ridiculous game that corporate America has built for us, WE GUESS we’ll put together a list of games you can play to celebrate if it means THAT MUCH to you. Just remember that we’re doing this because we care about you, not because we buy into all this commercial crap.
It Takes Two
Oh great, let’s take something as wonderful as two parents working out their issues through what is clearly a thinly-veiled metaphor for sex therapy, then charge $20 for it. Sure, spend $20 that could have gone towards that rainy-day vacation fund.
Overwatch 2
Yes, we love playing this, but come on! You know all this cuteness and optimism is just a facade, right? This game is a business, at the end of the day.
Helldivers 2
Like, it’s not as though there’s any real, historical basis for Super Earth. It’s an invention of game studios that want you to shell out cash.
Civilization 6
Gandhi was a real historical figure, and sure, he’s worth remembering, but you know he wasn’t really the leader of India, right? They’re just using his name to get you to spend your hard-earned gold.
Dragon Age: Origins
Buy your way to someone’s heart with gifts! Yeah, the ONLY WAY to show someone you care for them is to buy chintzy crap. Grow up.
Mario Kart 8 Deluxe
Okay, sorry. “Grow up” was not a nice thing to say. We said that out of anger. It’s just that we’re here with you every day of the year; why do we need a $60 racing game to prove that we still care?
Pong
Hey, come on. Stop crying. Look, it’s Pong! Remember we used to love Pong? And we can play Pong every day of the year, not just in February.
Marvel Rivals
This game is free! We could play this!?! Yes, yes, Marvel isn’t really your thing, but I think you’ll still like it. Look, it’s Groot! You like Groot, right?
Donkey Kong Country Returns HD
Yeah, you have a point. It’s expensive, but it does bring back good memories. It’s just…okay, fine, we’ll let it go. You’re right. You win. Forget everything we said. Let’s just have a nice time tonight.
Astro Bot
It’s just a really good game.
