REDMOND, Wash — Local gamer Billie Reed was surprised late last night when they noticed Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer watching from a dimly lit corner of the room while they played a first-party Xbox game on their PlayStation 5.
“I’d heard a lot of good things about Pentiment, so when I saw it was 50% off on PlayStation I figured I’d pick it up,” Reed posted to social media. “Almost immediately I started to hear these weird groaning sounds…but since the game’s set in medieval Bavaria I thought maybe that was just the voice-acting? It was only when I went to quit the game and a voice behind me moaned ‘please, don’t stop’ that I turned around and saw Phil Spencer, seated in an armchair in the corner, face lit only by the glow of the cigarette dangling from his lips. ‘Don’t look at me,’ he whimpered, ‘just keep playing.’”
Reed went on to describe in detail how Spencer, dressed in a Battletoads T-shirt and nothing else, seemed to take perverse pleasure in watching them play the formerly Xbox-exclusive narrative adventure game on what he repeatedly described as a “superior hunk of hardware”.
“As I played, he kept talking about how I could have gotten this game for free on Game Pass,” Reed continued, “Then he asked if I had a Nintendo Switch, and when I told him I didn’t, he transferred $1000 to my bank account so that he could watch me order one, along with a copy of Hi-Fi Rush. Leaning over my shoulder, he whispered ‘You know we put out that game, it was a big success and then we shut down the studio anyway? We’re soooo naughty.’”
At a press conference earlier today, the Microsoft Gaming CEO breathily explained that he sees this kind of console cuckoldry as the future of the industry.
“I know some Xbox fans are concerned as they watch me watch more of our IP ported to stronger, more virile consoles,” began Spencer after unzipping the mouth of his gimp mask, “Our dream is that this leads to a more polyamorous future for gaming: where Neil Druckmann can lay handcuffed to his bed watching The Last of Us Part II on a Switch 2, or Shigeru Miyamoto can self-flagellate while you play Super Mario Odyssey on whatever our next Xbox is called.” Spencer began grinding the podium as he continued. “But our naughty little consoles haven’t earned that yet, so no matter how much we beg and plead for Sony and Nintendo to give us what we want, Xbox isn’t going to get that release it – oh god – so desperately needs.”
At press time, Spencer could be heard ferociously moaning from the bathroom after the topic of Halo coming to PS5 was brought up.
